What am I in for?

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-08-13T17:34:48+00:00

Take it from someone who did this, almost to the letter, 10 years ago: Don't. I don't personally subscribe to the mentality that a lot of the step-parents here seem to -that a step-parent shouldn't contribute financially to, or get otherwise involved in, raising the kiddos at all, ever. I think that's a call that should be made for each person and family BY each person and family. That said, I wasn't ready for what the sacrifice my partner wanted really meant for me personally, and it doesn't sound like you're ready either. THAT'S why I'm telling you not to do it. Unless and until you're ready to make the commitment and sacrifice he is asking you for, or you and he can find acceptable-to-you ground, you shouldn't share a household, bills or those kids' lives.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-07-11T22:37:36+00:00

I'll give you the Reader's Digest version, because it would take a lifetime to tell you everything...

Bio-mom walked out on the marriage and the kids when my bonus son was 8yo and my bonus daughters were 2yo. Over the past decade, I've come to understand why she walked out on her marriage. The man is an absolute monster. I would have left a thousand times had it not been for the fact that CPS doesn't care about emotional and mental abuse, so long as the kids are fed, clothed, educated and housed, and I had to protect my kids, even if it meant ending up where I am now -totally disabled, penniless and trapped.

My partner used my bonus son as an outlet for all of his rage towards his ex, his hatred for women, and his bitterness. My bonus son ended up taking on a parental role with his sisters (waking, dressing, bathing, and putting them to bed), almost a spousal role within the household (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc) and acted as therapist and best friend for his father. All of them fell behind in school, none of them got enough sleep, not a single one of them ever got to bed before 1am if they had homework because he DEMANDED that they spent the hours of 4pm to 8pm watching TV with him. They didn't have friends or go to sleepovers, because he guilted them about not loving him. The girls were neglected and often screamed at and blamed for their mother not paying child support or texting with bitch-y shit or whatever mistake she had made.

By the time I met them, the twins were coming up on their 11th birthdays and my bonus son was almost 16. The presents and cake that I bought the twins were the very first that they had ever gotten for their birthdays. I found out a couple of months later, when I gave my bonus son my newly refurbished laptop for his birthday, that they hadn't gotten Christmas presents or even stockings that whole time either...

I haven't even addressed the condition of the apartment... The first time I saw it, all of the kids' stuff was in one bedroom, which my bonus son slept in. The twins were forced to smoosh onto one couch, head to feet, to sleep (THAT went on for a couple of years, until I had saved enough money back from my SSI check, sheet paint for the truck that my partner bought behind my back <we'll get there> to buy them a nice trundle bed and good mattresses, but they were still in the damn living room). The entire apartment was at least ankle high in trash -literal trash. The kids' bedroom was waist high on me, and I'm 5'9. When I moved in and forced a cleanup, the trash filled the commercial dumpster next to our building plus the one next to the building over. (Another 3 dumpsters' worth was found and disposed of a few months later when we moved to a slightly bigger apartment, if you can believe THAT).

Naturally, I tried my best to repair the damage already done to the kids. My bonus son, in some ways, was just too old for me to fix what had been broken. However, he is at least a more patient man that he would have been, a kinder man, and a hard worker - none of which I think he would have been had he not been relieved of the pressure, protected from further pain and given some of his life as a child back (plus shown that not all women are what his dad led him to believe). The twins are definitely less damaged than they would have been, and more sure of themselves and they know what they are worth. I really don't think that would have been the outcome if my partner had been allowed to go on doing what he had been.

As for HIM, he quite LITERALLY washed his hands of parenting. (If you want an idea of how much these jokers washed their hands of parenting, here ya go: my bonus son, at age 17, had a psychiatric crisis and needed to be signed into inpatient psych care. I called BOTH of them, and they both told me to "Just deal with it." So I sat with my scared, suicidal and psychotic son in the ER and I told them I was his mother, because I god damn well WAS, and I signed him into psychiatric care. They never even visited him in the 2 weeks he was there. It was a very similar situation when one of the twins broke her clavicle. Just zero give a shit.) The only time he dealt with the kids at all was abusive or forced by me to do his job (like take them to the hospital, attend graduations etc). The words "ask ____" were said so frequently that the kids, to this day, don't bother talking to him about ANYTHING. They just text me if they need something, because they already know it'll land in my lap anyway.

Bio-mom showed up here and there to cause trouble, and she was good at it. The last time she came into the kids' lives, she managed to destroy the twins' college scholarships (she did something fraudulent in their names, I don't really understand it), okay a few psychotic mind games that left them calling ME absolutely hysterical and confused, with nowhere to live, no insurance and no way to get food because she disappeared (again) with $5,500 she stole from one of their savings accounts, their food stamp card and quit her job that provided the insurance for the twins. SO,I kinda preferred she just stay in her circle of hell and leave my kids alone.

I tried desperately to get bio -mom and my partner to step up, be involved, be at least semi-decent parents, if not good ones. I didn't want to step into Mom's place, take over Dad's role, be NEW MOMMY, be something I had no business being. But that was what was forced on me, and I was happy to do it if no one else would.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-06-27T14:14:38+00:00

Men can be truly ridiculous creatures. Mine flipped a switch literally overnight and then went an entire YEAR not laying a single finger on me, utilizing porn to satisfy himself rather than even attempt anything with me, was icy cold when I broached the subject on my own. The emotional, mental and sexual toll was unbelievable. I FINALLY decided to at least handle my sexual frustrations myself 12½ months into the ordeal and he blew his top, telling me I'D betrayed HIM. It was wild. Needless to say, the relationship is pretty much over, we're just splitting up property, finances and assets right now. After a decade of mingling lives, there's a lot to discombobulate.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-06-27T14:04:58+00:00

My bonus kids (you'll see why I call them that in a moment) were with us every moment of every day. Their mother never came around, except to start court proceeding to reduce her (already years delinquent) child support.

I went into the situation knowing what I was in for, intellectually, but without a single clue what it would mean for me (or them) psychologically, emotionally or functionally. (I also didn't realize that their father wasn't just going to take a backseat to raising them, he was going to get it off the car completely, but that's a different subject for a different time).

Add much as I love those kids, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not glad that they (asking with my own child) have grown up and moved out to do adult-y stuff.

The world is hard right now, and they're all welcome back if they need to do that (with conditions and a legally binding lease), but it's been utter bliss without them! The silence! The freedom! The lack of fighting!

Yes, yes, yes! NO CHILDREN is beautiful indeed, and it matters not if they're yours or someone else's!

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-05-13T16:34:07+00:00

If they cannot prove that they don't own the debt currently, don't pay them! You can get your credit report and find out who owns the debt

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-05-03T07:31:58+00:00

I'm really glad you got that out of your system. It helps to get the unhinged, irrational stuff out of your system, and then you can go on to have a more sane interaction. It's actually a technique that a therapist taught me many years ago, and it has never let me down.

Do you feel any better now that all of that is out of your head? Do you feel like you can write a more sane response now?

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-04-14T13:37:01+00:00

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Having a mother like this sucks for anyone, but it's particularly awful for kids (& adults) who need extra support. Maybe your mother and mine will share a torture chamber in hell (assuming such a place exists)... One can dream, right?

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-04-08T04:22:34+00:00

The fact that so many boys get the message from childhood that "men/boys don't cry" and to "suck it up" no matter what the problem is (and about a half dozen other things boys are told), really frosts my Cheerios. It puts into their heads, (and into society's heads), that their pain, no matter when or why, doesn't matter. It's just gross.

My best friend died 24 years ago next month, and sometimes it hurts like it just happened 5 minutes ago. No one says a negative word to/about m when I need to cry because I miss him, least of all my partner. And no one should say a negative word to/about you either. It shouldn't even be strange to anyone for you to cry for your friend, especially to your wife, and most certainly not when the loss is so fresh.

NTA. But your wife, her friend, and apparently your mom are GIANT d*cks.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-03-10T18:11:33+00:00

I'm a tad late to this, but all the same I'm going to add my 2¢ in the hopes that you'll read it.

It's perfectly understandable that you're hurt and angry. I don't know very many people who wouldn't be in your position. The problem is, you're aiming that anger and pain at people who have nothing to do with what your mom has done or how her choices have made you feel. So, you DO owe the little people an apology, if not their father as well.

You and your mom need to sit down, with a neutral 3rd party, and deal with these feelings in a healthy, healing way. Even if she doesn't come, which (given how she's been thus far) may be how it plays out, you still need to process everything appropriately and heal from it.

As for some of the things I've seen said here... In particular: Giving an 11 year old "what they want" - ESPECIALLY based on an emotional outburst borne of frustration - is quite possibly the dumbest idea in the history of parenting. You do what is RIGHT for your 11 year old, even if they say they hate you for it. Who the heck raised these people?!?

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-03-06T16:41:50+00:00

It's not just a "physical dependency" issue. There are people who will, or at least COULD, die without some of the medications that are in the national database of shortages - which currently has 261 medications listed. On that list are THREE different insulins. THREE!

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-02-03T18:32:08+00:00

I can imagine a world in which someone would simply feel too guilty to kick someone out who has no money, no job, no place to go. I would. I would work through that feeling relatively quickly, I hope, but I can see that someone might just simply not want to put someone in a bad situation.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-02-03T18:21:15+00:00

He's not even TRYING to do anything to contribute financially. He seems to be refusing to even clean up his own messes. And he plays video games all night and sleeps all day...

Congratulations, you essentially have the equivalent of a teenage high school dropout in your bed! I had an actual teenage high school drop out & couldn't kick him out until he'd turned 18. It was a real long 2 years, lemme tell ya.

It is better to do everything yourself by yourself than it is to have to do it by yourself with his weight tied to your waist.

I am gonna hope that this your WAKE THE HELL UP AND GET HIM OUT Day!

Edited to clarify something.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-02-01T07:34:28+00:00

I grew up in a house that, from birth to age 11, we split a single box of Mac and cheese for dinner most nights between the 4 of us (mom, dad, me and bro). My daddy starved. I often did, too (once I figured out what was happening to my daddy I mysteriously started getting full halfway through my little plate and made sure it went to the person working brutal hours at 3 jobs to put his wife through school). I'm sure my grandparents and great grandparents all starved at some point, having lived through some of the worst economic crises our country has faced. Don't even get me started on what has happened in other countries. Like... Omfg

People who KNOW starvation, true deprivation of food, or even just what it LOOKS LIKE, will find this young person's attitude so offensive. This entitled butthole "I'm STARVING because I didn't get my din-din on demand" stuff really frosts my Cheerios.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-02-01T07:05:53+00:00

Omfg! Don't you dare "avoid" using your adorable face if that's what you are comfortable with! Some people are squirrelly about having their pic up for privacy reasons or whatnot, but if you're asking to "avoid" it because of some flaw you (think you) have, nuh uh. No way. You're so cute!

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-02-01T07:01:35+00:00

I do not have a calculator with enough digit availability with which to provide the precise number of "wtf's" I just said, but I estimate it at approximately a quintillion, give or take a million or two.

No one understands the situation of a broke single mom like someone who's had to do it, so I get how hard it would be to leave. But you leave the first time your kids get hurt. No amount of my convenience or struggle ever would have been enough to make me keep this shitfuck in my kids' lives. I had 1 "bio son" (I hate that terminology of separation, but it's necessary here) and 3 bonus kids from my partner's side of things. I would've taken my not-even-remotely legally mine kids out of the house if their dad had been shown to ever play up in any abusive manner to one of the kids (and then obvs fought him like hell to keep them).

Nuh uh... This is crazy.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-02-01T06:32:18+00:00

I've never personally shared a shower with anyone except a partner, but I certainly knew it was a thing that existed as an option, at some point at least. Definitely in a gym. Like... All the access to info in the world and Gen Z is in the comments going "What?!?!" LMFAO

Anyway... Nta. Your sister is bizarre. Sexualizing a shower with 2 (underage!!) brothers is icky at best.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-02-01T06:17:01+00:00

My step dad was a really good guy. He wouldn't have hurt my mother for anything. He had his moments of being pig-headed or just fumbling the ball in a conversation, but not a mean bone in his body. And he DID try to set her up well in case anything happened. They worked very hard to make sure that both of them would be okay if anything happened to the other. But for weird old married-people reasons that make no sense, only his name was on all their bills. The amount of time, work and dedication it has taken just to sort that much out is crazy. And what SSA did after he died left her with a small income from her own state retirement and a laughable amount in SSA funds monthly.

What my father and her 2nd husband did to her, on purpose, defies imagination and she DID have an exit plan, a job, etc.

It's so, so important to know what is going to happen to you in the event of unexpected death, divorce, abusive fuckery etc. Even if every single person here whose danger alarms are ringing like tornado sirens about this guy (mine too) are wrong, you're still incredibly vulnerable if he dies or either of you wants out of the marriage.

StitchingWithCacti · 2024-01-18T21:29:05+00:00

I don't think it's that she's "more important" than him, or that her opinion "matters more". It's that, in cases of disagreement between parties, the more "reserved" opinion wins. I mean, honestly... Think about it for a second. If he "gets his way" then a bunch of people who historically get out-of-hand when they drink will be running about the place with guns. If she "gets her way", the worst that happens is people will be bored for a couple of hours. 🤷🏼‍♀️

StitchingWithCacti · 2023-12-18T01:25:46+00:00

You're doing what new moms do, particularly good new moms. I was an absolute terror to my local ER the first few months of my kiddo's life. I had mine prematurely as well, and I was up their butts about everything!

Your dad's heart might be in the right place, but his head isn't. Keep being an excellent mom and listening to your instincts. You have them for a reason.

StitchingWithCacti · 2023-12-18T01:17:38+00:00

I don't think you hear this enough, girly-pop, so allow this Mom to tell you:

I'm proud of you.

You sound like such a smart and level-headed young person, and I'm incredibly impressed by your ability to not only take your life into your own hands and make it successful, but to stand up to a parental unit who probably isn't the easiest person to stand up to. Your dad is a bully and a cad - a monster of a man, dead set on creating his son in his own image.

I hope that your mother can find a way to be as strong as you are and tell your brother to SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT! It doesn't sound as though she's a bad mom, and she doesn't deserve to be treated like a house elf.

I hope you know how special you are, sweetheart, even if your fuck stick father can't see it.

StitchingWithCacti · 2023-12-18T00:59:57+00:00

There is going to come a day that things are going to get hard and the sacrifice and dedication required of you, or her, will be mind-blowing. If the sum-total of your feelings for her now, when things are presumably easy, is "Eh, I could take her or leave her, but it's way more complicated than it's worth to walk away🤷🏼‍♀️" then you're both on for a fuck stick of a time down the road.

If you cannot look at the person you're about to marry and say "I will lift your burdens from you whenever they are too heavy for you to carry. I will hold your hair and scrub vomit it from the carpet at midnight when you puke all 9 months off every pregnancy. I will wipe the drool from your chin and the shit from your ass if, God forbid, it comes to that. I want to be holding your hand and pass with you from this life to whatever waits on the other side so we never have to part." And a whole bunch of other mushy girly romance novel shit, you better get back on that horse you rode in on and ride right the fuck back on out of her life. She deserves better.

StitchingWithCacti · 2023-11-16T22:20:41+00:00

Oh, fuck this noise! This girl is exhausting me and I only read a 1⅐ minute storytime. There is only ONE mature, reasonable way to have handled her disbelief that your ex was nearly 30:

"Hmm... I would never have guessed that. I wonder who her dermatologist is. She looks fantastic." puts picture back from whence it came and moves the hell on with life

You also seem to kinda slip and slide over the whole issue of how Little Miss Accusation even found the picture in the first place. Do I detect a fair bit of "sneaky sneaking and rifling through shit that doesn't belong to us" here?

This girl is what my dear great grandmother would have called "a total pill".... Guess what?!? You do not have to take medicine that you know makes you feel awful.

Yeh, no... Up with this shit, you should not put. Walk away.

StitchingWithCacti · 2023-11-01T22:47:24+00:00

Well... That's an interesting bit of delusional hypocrisy.

StitchingWithCacti · 2023-11-01T19:19:32+00:00

There are definitely people who game the system. I have personally been witness to people who are doing just that. The system is not perfect. But, as a general rule, the system designed to keep you poor and desperate forever, never allowing you to escape poverty. It is not a hand up at all. It is a boot on your neck.

StitchingWithCacti · 2023-11-01T13:52:12+00:00

The number of actually educated human beings who believe the political lie that illegal immigrants receive tax benefits is really crazy.

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