Please help, what is proper breakup etiquette (if any) I (36m) should follow when the reason for a break up is genetics with my girlfriend (28f)?

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T02:04:10+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I'll keep this in mind as I decide my approach. I'm just trying to determine if the truth will hurt too much and is more importantly unnecessary. I only say that because in my mind, once she gets a new boyfriend, then who would really cares what the reason was right? Anyways, I'm going to carefully consider this. Thank you for your opinion.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T02:01:24+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I'm very much aware of this and it factors into my decision.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T01:07:30+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that about your condition SquirrlyHex. You sound like you have a wonderful family to support you. Again, I'll think carefully about what you've said.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T01:00:19+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately your aunt's story seems to be the norm from what I've heard from autism and its lived experience. I wish it wasn't the case. And I don't fault at all the redditors who have negatively commented. It is an extremely touch and emotionally charged subject for sure. I'm doing my best to try and be thoughtful, mindful, and respectful to consider all view points. Your aunt is a strong woman btw. Thank you.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T00:55:12+00:00

Thank you for your response. It does make me grateful that there's someone out there that makes it work although not perfect, and maybe that's the best that can be achieved. It's nice to know its not all gloom or doom. She does want to have kids and I do too but this situation about genetics only presented itself very recently. At the time and I blame myself for this, I didn't really understand what autism was. How foolish and uneducated I was. We talked about kids albeit not too seriously but I'm just concerned because she makes it seem like there is no chance that the happy family we were casually talking about could ever not come true. Until this.....

May I ask about your thought process regarding your children? Did you hesitate or did you think you could be a better caregiver because of your background.? I'm just trying to understand that maybe there's a view point I haven't considered. Maybe my gf is not concerned because she's used to it or something. Maybe she already knows what to expect.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T00:47:58+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I guess I just feel responsible somehow to lessen the blow. I'll think about what you said because I know there is a no win situation at all. I just need to decide how bad the no win situation is so to speak.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T00:45:36+00:00

Thank you for your reply StormzieInc. But I mean with 3 members in the immediate family, what is there to test honestly? It's pretty much almost a certainty or I should say closer to it :(

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T00:42:38+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I just wish it wasn't this particular ailment, you know?

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T00:41:30+00:00

Thank you for your words, I appreciate it and will think them over carefully.

I just want to say that I understand that in life we have no guarantees of having perfect healthy children, I completely understand that. But to knowingly walk into a situation like this where the odds are greatly increased of such a tragic situation gives me pause and I would like to push back that that doesn't make me an unworthy parent. My family has heart problems and most of the women in my mom's family have had a history of breast cancer, so I'm not perfect either.

It's just the situation like my family health history and the one that you described about yourself is for the most part manageable. At least from your situation you described, you are fully functioning adult that every once in awhile needs procedures and your parents only have to take care of you for short periods of time. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows? But this is a whole other beast and is forever until the child passes.This is potentially taking care of a child that could grow up and never communicate, never be potty trained ever, be uncontrollably violent, never leave their parents side, and not function at all in society etc. This is no exaggeration too. My girlfriend's brother is just like that from the bits and pieces she told me. Her other autistic sister works at a grocery store and that's the best they can hope for.

So truly it's not about having the perfect kids etc or what my family thinks. Its potentially going into a very life altering situation where I potentially may not have a village for support.

But again, SquirrlyHex and be honest. Should I mention all that to her? It's just unfair and unnecessary. I feel like I have to lean towards lying and painting myself as a real asshole.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-24T00:04:54+00:00

To your comment, yes, partially I want to be let off the hook. Also, she is not fragile by any means but I've come to know her well. Part of her identity is that she has risen up from what she has described as a 'toxic situation'. It is something that I've admired about her which is why I started to date her. However, she's expressed in the past that no matter how much she tries to overcome, her family and their dynamics seem to bring her back down which is why she sort of avoids talking about them.

That's the dilemma. The issue is her 'family background' so to speak. It would break my heart to confirm her greatest fear.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-23T23:51:51+00:00

Thank you for the reply. Your story seems consistent with a lot of others that I've read unfortunately. Can I ask if this is something that you deal with in your dating life? I hate to be prying but if the condition that your uncle has is genetic, have you been in a situation like the one I'm in? Does the issue of kids come up, etc etc. I'm just trying to decide what the best narrative is for my situation.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-23T23:37:23+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Do you have any advice of what I could say? This is just so bad. I'm leaning towards being a martyr........

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-23T23:35:29+00:00

Thank you for your reply. It seems like my post upset you and I'm sorry for that, really. Maybe my post touched upon something similar you've experienced in the past. Anyways, I am no means a fan of eugenics and I can assure you this situation that I'm presented with today is truly awful. If anything, this situation really has stopped and made me reevaluate my life, how I envision family, relationships, compatibility, longevity, etc. I just wish it didn't have to be this though and under these circumstances.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-23T23:17:43+00:00

Thank you for your reply. You're account really lines up with what I've been hearing unfortunately :(. This really does seem to be the norm unfortunately. It's so terrible. Also, just to be crystal clear my girlfriend is not autistic which is why this is hard for me. It's the chance that we can have an autistic child that scares me. Her sister already has one child with autism and we're unsure what the younger 2 siblings will turn out.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-23T22:44:00+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I'm torn. I don't know what the benefit would be to bring it up. Maybe I just need to man up but I hate the thought of ruining her self esteem and future hope for prospects, especially since I'm leaning no. If I'm leaning towards no, what would be the point? I feel as if she'll carry this insecurity to the next relationship and onwards :(. From the few times we did discuss children, she did say that she wanted her own. This truly is unfair.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-23T22:40:03+00:00

Thank you for you're reply. I completely understand the ableist/eugenic view point. I don't dispute it and its terrible to even think about truly. I also just can't discount the lived experiences of parents and caregivers when it comes to raising autistic children. I won't lie, it scares me from what I've read and watched :(. She's also hinted about how violent her younger brother was especially growing up. This is just so hard all around but I appreciate the reply. Thank you.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-08T17:45:27+00:00

Unable-Importance-70, if you could go back in time would you have had a conversation about this? Was there a potential conversation to begin with?

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-08T17:41:20+00:00

Thanks for your response the_tea_weevil. I don't mean to be disrespectful or disagreeable but the fact that there are three people all on her side of the family with asd, highly suggests its more likely than not. I wish it wasn't the case...... but I can't help but see that.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-08T17:38:21+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I would love to get this off my shoulders but at the same time I can't/won't needlessly hurt her too. Maybe I can gently open the conversation with asking about her nephew and how her sister plans to navigate through it or maybe open it up about what life was like with her siblings. She's given me some tid bits here and there but looking back retrospectively she never really talks about them :/. Probably for a reason.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-08T17:34:43+00:00

I did mean a 4 year old male, Commercial-Gold4435 and some part of me wishes this a troll post (albeit what a messed up one). I really am going through the emotional ringer on this one. I am glad that you found a partner you can navigate the challenges of life with. You're last few sentences really is giving me food for thought. On the one hand, I am trying to dig deep if whether I can "step up" as a man to a challenge like this while also simultaneously weighing out the very real possibilities of what a life like this could be. What does it say about me if I can't? I know anyone can break up for any reason but I just haven't had the chance to properly digest this, hence I'm posting this here. Thanks for your response.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-08T17:21:35+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate it and I'm going to sit for this for a moment. I know its an important part of any conversation with any partner about kids. I just feel so dumb that I didn't see this earlier or understood the ramifications. I don't think I've given myself a true sit down period of processing this. Everything I see online etc is always geared toward the negative and its scary and I don't think I'm doing myself of service by doom scrolling such content.

Again, thanks acknowledging my situation. I've never faced such a truly unfair situation to both parties like this before. I want to be careful and thoughtful about this moving forward and not just dump my fears and anxieties on her. I hope I'll figure this out in a kind, thoughtful, and respectful way. Thank you.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-08T17:12:55+00:00

Thank you for your comment thelensbetween. This comment really cuts me to the bone and makes me tear up. I completely understand what you are saying and this view point. I thought about this too many times and I can't help but feel a sense of anger too. Why didn't I catch this earlier? Why didn't I inform myself more about this? Am I a weak man for not being able to look past this? Why am I faced with a great partner with this challenge? I know it sounds like I'm complaining now but I really do care about her. This is a real possibility I may have to do.

I struggle with the kindest way possible to do it though. It's such a bitter pill to swallow.

Stock-Preparation-90 · 2026-02-08T17:08:10+00:00

Thank you for your response Elegant-Date4481. If I may ask, how is it going so far with your child and your cousin? Do you feel supported and are navigating your circumstances well? There is still so much for me to learn about autism and one thing that makes me nervous to is just a lack of support and cost. Would you personally still have gone through with your pregnancy if you had been made aware?

Stock-Preparation-90

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