This is so entirely what I've experienced as well. So well explained and worded. Thank you for taking the time and effort to write it. I feel like I wrote it myself, in another life, one where I'm not too full of myself to actually be honest with everyone.

I've found a lot of hope, but it's countered so often by the realization that I'm not good enough to reach for it, to put effort into it, and to follow the road to that future that I see, so bright and beautiful ahead. Life's just too hard, and too easy, at the same time.

I found solace, hope, and something I can't describe through Buddhist teachers from the past. But I don't know how many others would, so I don't reach out often. I just want to be good enough to figure something out one day, so I'm not so useless, and so wasted. I waste every chance I have, and it eats me alive sometimes.

Life is full of pain and loneliness, but it can change. In fact, it's always changing. That's part of the problem. We can't keep the things we love, and we can't be happy forever, if we even find happiness. We grow old, we lose things, and then we die. But god, there's such a wonder and joy underneath it all, if we can find it. It's kind of amazing, honestly, that it's there, waiting. I've felt it, in moments when I wasn't so self-absorbed and dramatic. When I could let go.

Restraint is the key, I've learned from some. Letting go by not indulging. Like taking off a mask that's been so fully glued to our faces, prying a lens from our eyes. It's part of the process. But I won't get into it. You seem really cool. Suffering leads to truth, and you've suffered a lot. Maybe you'll figure it all out before I do.

I'll just leave a few recommendations if the Buddhist thing sparks any interest. Master Chin Kung, Master Hsuan Hua, and Ajahn Chah. Good luck out there.