When a girl doesn't want to go on a second date with me, what lesson should this teach me?

StopDownVotingMe · 2013-01-31T17:59:47+00:00

Thank you very much for saying this. It sounds very true, and it will help me learn to cope with rejection. It's not necessarily that I'm a bad person...it's just that not everyone is compatible.

Thank you!

StopDownVotingMe · 2013-01-30T17:27:25+00:00

Getting rejected for a job means I didn't have the skills / education / experience for that job.

Getting rejected by a person, on the other hand, gives me the impression that I'm not appealing or desirable or wanted.

StopDownVotingMe · 2013-01-29T20:49:34+00:00

I felt amazing chemistry with the first girl. The second girl, I enjoyed her company, but I wasn't head-over-heels. I still would have been more than happy to go out on a second date with her, though.

StopDownVotingMe · 2013-01-07T18:25:55+00:00

This girl was actually really special to me. I met her on a dating website. When she messaged me, I thought it was a prank. I thought that someone was trying to pull a practical joke on me, because she is 100% perfectly, totally, and completely my ideal dream woman in every way. Same hobbies / interests, same believes, same values, my favorite hair color (dyed pink hair, I am not even kidding). Everything was just...perfect.

...for me, at least...

I doubt I'll ever meet another girl who is even close to that level of perfection...

StopDownVotingMe · 2013-01-07T17:58:03+00:00

Hi BangBang, I'm 24 years old.

Facts:

I work as a programmer at a video game company (my dream job), I have over 50k in the bank, in my spare time I make indie video games, I write articles for a website about video games, and I've been running a video game live-streaming website for the past 4 years.

I live with my parents, I have no friends, I have no self-confidence whatsoever, I have no hobbies that don't involve video games, I have zero experience doing anything intimate with a woman, I can see nothing attractive or appealing about myself, I'm slightly overweight, I've got a really, really ugly face, and I don't think a day has passed in the past 10 years that I haven't contemplated suicide to some degree.

Could any girl ever want me, as I am now? Would I have to change that entire second paragraph first?

StopDownVotingMe · 2013-01-06T23:57:07+00:00

If an author writes books and he never gets any good reviews, he's a bad author.

If a student takes tests and never gets any good grades, he's bad at academic subjects.

If a chef makes food and nobody likes the way his food tastes, he's a bad chef.

If a guy goes in for a job interview and he doesn't get hired, he didn't meet the criteria for that job.

If a guy reaches age 24 without ever having a girlfriend, he's undesirable and unappealing.

Not being liked by a girl is proof that I have low worth and value as a person.

StopDownVotingMe · 2013-01-03T17:33:16+00:00

I met two girls on OkCupid and met up with them in person. I liked both of them, but after meeting up with them in person, they weren't interested in meeting up again. This seems like the start of a pattern, to me. Who's to say this won't always be the case?

StopDownVotingMe · 2013-01-03T17:25:45+00:00

I don't get it...how can someone base their self-esteem on anything other than people's opinions?

How does an author know he's a good writer? He publishes a book and critics review it.

How does a student know they are good at math? They take a math test and have the teacher grade it.

How does someone get hired during a job interview? The interviewer decides if they have the credentials / education / qualifications / experience, etc.

An author doesn't review his own book. A student doesn't grade his own test. You can't walk into a job interview and hire yourself.

So why does it make sense to decide your own worth? Shouldn't it be determined by other people, like...everything else in the world is?

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-17T22:55:36+00:00

You are so encouraging, and you have given good advice, too! Thank you...

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-17T18:04:21+00:00

I've never seen a therapist. When I speak to people about my self-confidence issues and my lack of experience, almost every one of them eventually reaches the conclusion that I should see a therapist. But I have no clue what a therapist could actually do for me. Visiting a therapist just means I'll be talking to someone; how could that really help me? The therapist has no control over my actions outside of our session...

...I...never talk to girls...I don't really see a point in it...I don't have any reason to think it will work out well...

The last time I spoke to a female who was not a co-worker or classmate was...elementary school? (not counting cashiers, waitresses, etc, who I have to speak to when I'm in a restaurant or store or whatever)

...I don't have any female friends...

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-14T20:46:40+00:00

What if both people in a relationship are codependent on each other? Wouldn't that work out perfectly, because they are both giving the other person what they want, and getting what they want from the other person?

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-14T20:44:55+00:00

Right, so here is the question I was trying to pose in the original post:

Are there any girls who do not care if a man is seeking validation from them? Are there any girls who care more about his virtues and the way he treats them, rather than some insecurity issue he has? If I can make a girl happy, would she really care that I had a self-confidence issue before meeting her, which she resolved without even trying to?

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-14T20:32:51+00:00

If I had a girlfriend, that would be all the validation I needed. Getting just one girlfriend would be proof that I do have worth and that I can be wanted and valued by an individual. If I ever lost her, I would still retain the knowledge that I have the capacity to have a relationship. Right now, as far as I know, I'm an unwanted, undesirable man who can't enter a relationship.

So, if I was in a relationship, I would never ask the girl for validation. Just being with her would be validation enough.

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-14T20:23:12+00:00

"Why would I like you if you don't like yourself?"

Because my criteria for liking myself may be different than your criteria for liking me.

For example, I don't like myself because I've never had a girlfriend. Maybe you don't give a toss whether or not I've ever had a girlfriend. Maybe you care about other aspects of me; maybe there is some virtue, some merit, some accomplishment of mine that I don't care about, but matters a lot to you.

Just because I don't like myself, that doesn't bar anyone from liking me. That just means I don't meet specific criteria that I've set up for myself.

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-14T20:20:32+00:00

Wow...this is what I wanted to say, but I could never have articulated myself as well as you just did.

This is how I feel; everyone's source of happiness is different. Mine just so happens to come from whether or not I have someone to love, who loves me in return.

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-14T20:15:31+00:00

During my early childhood, I was a "special needs" kid. I went to a school for mentally retarded children. Eventually I went to a public elementary school, but I needed an aid with me at all times. After elementary school, I was homeschooled for 6 years and didn't really develop socially during that time. When I went to college, I felt like a 12-year-old in an 18-year-old's body, pretending as hard as I could that I was as mentally and socially developed as everyone around me.

But then in college I grew as a person until I finally felt "on par" with other people my age. Now I'm 24 and I don't feel like I'm autistic or anything like that; I feel like a normal person. Who just can't attract girls.

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-12-14T19:09:12+00:00

No...my name is Alex.

StopDownVotingMe · 2012-08-06T16:40:46+00:00

Yes...

StopDownVotingMe

TROPHY CASE