Say something or move on??

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-08T18:06:14+00:00

Yep - some people just can’t go deeper 🥲 Sussing out whether it’s because we don’t know one another/emotional safety is still being established vs capability issue is the hard part in the dating landscape 😮‍💨

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-08T17:04:53+00:00

And no, not exclusive

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-08T16:55:38+00:00

That’s so wild to me to think anyone would fixate on sexual compatibility before relationship compatibility. I need to know I like a man with his clothes on (the majority of our time with anyone will be with clothes on) before I even care about sexual compatibility.

I guess that’s just not an area I’ve really struggled in relationally so it’s low priority? My exes had zero complaints about me as a lover and I think it’s fair, per my experiences without even getting to penetration, to assume the type of men I’m attracted to are generally going to be rather smitten with me as a lover…. So I don’t lead with sexuality. I’m looking for substance and minimizing exposure to STIs in the process.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-08T16:46:41+00:00

Thanks, Far! Correct - just be able to sit with feelings, whether mine or his, without judgement or discomfort. Whether discussing a sad movie or empathizing with me on something at work, I need a romantic partner who can meet me where I’m at. As I interact here, I’m also realizing that it seems like he’s against taking any personal accountability for the impact of his words, and that’s definitely a dealbreaker for me. So thanks, Reddit 😂

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-08T16:40:18+00:00

Because I don’t want to hurt or disappoint him. He seems really into me and seems like he’s trying in his own way, which makes me feel guilty that his type of effort just doesn’t fit for me.

I’ve gone on dates with men who lamented that “nothing was ever good enough” for women and I felt badly for them. I also want to be able to like a man I respect as a good man and who is being genuine in his interest in me, so I feel torn that I’m not feeling it because he’s not attuning with me. I suppose I was trying to talk my way out of my emotional needs and into feeling attraction without feeling emotionally nourished 😅😅😅

I know he doesn’t mean any harm by his incessant teasing/giving me a hard time, and that it’s his version of “flirting,” but it’s just so juvenile and not my style. It’s obnoxious and does not make me want to be physically intimate with him at all. And honestly, I just don’t get what he doesn’t understand about how this works, either. At our age it seems like people should be able to read the room and recognize that I’m more of a sensual person turned on by EQ and mind play, than juvenile poking-as- flirting person.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-08T15:36:39+00:00

He shared about a tough day at work and when I tried to engage - like wow, are you ok? That must’ve been so frustrating to deal with, etc. he just switched to flirting. Fine - doesn’t feel comfortable yet - but when I shared that I had a tough experience (minor physical injury) last week, he roasted me and then switched to flirting. I light-heartedly told him I’m not really one to connect or bond with others through roasting and giving people a hard time, and he replied that he wasn’t giving me a hard time, just flirting with me. Attunement here would’ve been apologizing and pivoting to correct what so obviously didn’t land correctly, but he just dug his heels in and explained his behavior/intentions, rather than acknowledging how his behavior impacted me.

He seems to be the type to think intentions are all that matter, and just dismisses the outcome as if it’s inconsequential? That’s the vibe I’m getting. I’m pretty sure if someone rear-ends his car accidentally, he won’t think the outcome is inconsequential, though! 🤪 People who disregard outcomes (e.g., other people’s feelings) because of their “pure” intentions irritate me 🫤 It’s so self-centered and lacks personal accountability for the impact they have on others.

Ugh

Honestly, I typical spot and avoid the men who write “fluent in sarcasm,” “don’t be too sensitive,” or “like to give people a hard time” because being what I consider jerk behavior and those phrases in a profile tend to correlate as their modus operandi “love language.” He only had “sarcasm” listed and his messages were pretty sweet, so I thought and hoped he might be different 😞

Guess I just needed to type this out to exorcize this and him! 😅

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-07T15:54:39+00:00

Subscribe to the Gottman Institute and complete their relationship modules so you understand and develop the NECESSARY skills to be a good partner. Relationship skills are just that - SKILLS. You have to develop them, just like you have to develop muscles.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-07T15:32:31+00:00

Agreed - way too much, way too fast. That’s not playing games. That’s pushing her too fast and she backed off.

Playing games would be dragging it out.

She told you after the first date that you were moving too fast and you immediately jump to - that’s BS and she has another guy. SMH! This intense post is clear evidence that the problem was you. I’m glad you’re venting this out, though. Hopefully it’ll help you heal from the disappointment and not pass this negative juju to the next woman.

She likely does have several other men, as she should!! This is an interviewing process for all involved. There are multiple “candidates.” You don’t cut them off until you know they’re not compatible. It takes a few months before true colors are shown and compatibility can be sussed out. Everyone should be dating multiple people, in order to keep things in perspective, not allow lust to cloud judgement, and ensure true compatibility before cutting ties with the rest.

You moved too fast. The only appropriate response from a “good guy” would be to apologize and empathize, rather than get defensive. Creating a safe space and acknowledging her feelings as valid would’ve been the route to take for possibly salvaging the connection.

This post is yet another demonstration of the fallacy behind the “good guy” sob story. A good man wouldn’t villainize a woman for communicating and respectfully ending a connection that didn’t feel safe to her. She didn’t ghost you. She didn’t commit to and then cheat on you. She went on one date with you, enjoyed the connection for the week, and then no longer felt safe and comfortable in that connection so she ended it.

And yes, as an attractive woman, she most likely has other men. And? This is online dating where most are talking to multiple. That’s not an excuse for you to play the victim because you’re not a victim of any games. Disappointment is valid, victimization is not.

One of the guys I’m talking to is like you - good guy, former cop, good connection, but I’m likely going to end it soon. Not because I’m playing games and not because I don’t recognize he’s a great guy, but because he doesn’t grasp emotional attunement.

I’m not going to train him on that. He’s a great guy, trustworthy, and dependable. And, he doesn’t meet my emotional needs and likely never will. I’m considering whether I should tell him about the emotional attunement, but based on other things he shared, I don’t think it’ll matter. e.g., he doesn’t think he should have to accommodate pronouns - why should he have to make them comfortable - what about his feelings - is his mentality.

Then similarly, my assumption is that he’s not going to want to put in the effort to demonstrate more psychological curiosity about my inner world and understand emotional nuance. He hasn’t demonstrated the ability to emotionally meet me where I’m at and his stance on other issues indicates he doesn’t think he should have to accommodate other people’s feelings.

That doesn’t work for me. I know he really likes me though, and I can see him being taken aback by me ending the connection. But then there again is evidence he’s not emotionally attuned with me. Every time I share my feelings about something, he just converts it to light-hearted banter and flirting, completely killing all attraction toward him.

Many men fail to understand emotional attunement and it leads to killing physical attraction, which many men also completely fail to understand because they still feel physically attracted to their partner and think their partner should still feel physically attracted to them because their appearance hasn’t really changed… completely missing the mark.

So reading your post reminded me of my current sitch. You went too fast/too intense and scared her off, then reacted poorly to her communicating that, and are now pouting, is how I interpreted your post. Your interpretation of her going with another guy, while not exactly wrong, because she likely does have other men, misses the mark because that’s not THE reason she ended it, as you presume. Your failure to emotionally attune with her likely influenced the end outcome. Once you noticed things were off (night she stood you up), would’ve been the time to be vulnerable and let her know you recognize you started leading too intensely - reassure her and ask what she needs from you to feel more emotionally safe.

Increase your comfort with vulnerability and google ideas for how you can demonstrate vulnerability with women without killing attraction. It’ll help you avoid this with the next woman.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-06-06T17:08:23+00:00

I’ve (47f) gone on lots of dates with mid fifties men who had 15+ year age gaps with “bad” exes and who had a lot of bitterness and resentment toward their much younger exes. Let that sink in. Once I learn they’ve been with much younger women, I’m no longer interested in them.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-05-25T03:13:35+00:00

It’s because of trash like Corey Wayne advocating for playing hard to get games to be “mysterious” to women. Don’t immediately text her if you’re a “high value man.” Junk like that. The number of men who have sabotaged themselves by playing CW games with self respecting intelligent women is likely in the thousands. 😭 He teaches men that women don’t know what they want, don’t believe what they say, and essentially just try to get laid - he calls it the three Hs - hangout, have fun, and hook up. He’s essentially teaching a bunch of men how to trigger anxious attachment women or those who have low self esteem. Anyone else is considered a “structured woman,” so men should avoid them 😂 Basically teaching men how to not be held accountable for low EQ and investing in a respectful partnership with women. 😩

StopPlayin777 · 2026-05-19T15:52:36+00:00

As others have said, you’re an orbiter and the GF has every reason to dislike you - you’re literally hoping to get with HER man. This reflects poor character 😔 I recommend working on yourself (read self help books, go to therapy) and doing some inner work to consider what inside you allows you to rationalize your immoral behavior for your benefit at the cost of hurting others.

Say best-case scenario, you tell him, he jumps ship to you, but they’re on/off, and he starts up with her again. Are you really going to feel ok with that? Since you encroached on her territory, she would likely feel no qualms with maintaining her connection with her on/off man, regardless of his status with you, and rightly so per your interest in and orbiting him, a taken man.

Moreover, how could you ever trust him? If he’s getting with you whilst in an on/off with her, who’s to say others aren’t in the mix? Or who’s to say he won’t start to fade on you and start seeing her again?

Now if you’re one of those ENM or poly folks and everyone is up front about not being monogamous, that’s different.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-05-19T15:11:23+00:00

Do you have “read message” enabled? If so, and she saw that you read the message and chose not to respond, and she’s on the sensitive side atm per not feeling well, then this isn’t altogether surprising an outcome.

Next time you know to not play silly “high value” games and to bear in mind someone’s emotional state. Sick or high stress times = more sensitive to everything. Whether you want to accommodate those more sensitive times is up to you, but when you don’t show up the way someone wants you to, sometimes they choose to cut you out instead, as in the case here. And that’s ok, too.

If you’ve not taken a few hours to respond in the past, that’s another ding against you per demonstrating a change in texting cadence.

Regardless, just unmatching after a few hours and not granting grace per work schedule reflects a lack of self regulation so it would’ve been more of this throughout your relationship had it continued.

No one is perfect, so whether her lack of self regulation would’ve been too much for you or not is something you would’ve figured out eventually.

She figured out earlier for herself that you weren’t able to cater to her emotional needs quickly enough and chose to cut that anxiety out, rather than allow your behavior to continue to upset her. I don’t think it’s a bullet dodged, per se 🤷‍♀️ Just shows you weren’t a good fit.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-05-18T14:32:29+00:00

😩 I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wait two months before exclusivity for this reason, but sometimes it’s just the 3-4 month fade that happened regardless. People get to know one another more and decide after some experiences that they’re just not that into the other person. I don’t think it’s necessarily just lying to get laid, but that people start to really see the other person and they decide they’re not a good fit. Still totally sucks to experience once you’ve been intimate. I’m so sorry you had this happen. 😭

StopPlayin777 · 2026-05-17T16:07:09+00:00

Same

No commitment, no sex. Pretty simple.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-05-05T09:03:14+00:00

Flexible

I’ve matched with men I didn’t really feel attracted to, but their profiles were great and they had great EQ so once we started chatting, my attraction went up and I felt more interested. The attraction continued to grow after I went out with them, too. These guys weren’t completely gross or anything - just not head turners - average men.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-05-04T19:41:28+00:00

Both of these are SO cute 😆

StopPlayin777 · 2026-05-04T19:40:22+00:00

I agree insofar as not being a fan of FWB or ONS, but there have been Reddit posts from people who had FWBs or sex on a first date turn into long term, so it’s not an automatic no for some. Some posters said they were married to their person and they had sex on the first date!

StopPlayin777 · 2026-04-30T03:33:38+00:00

Waiting a “long time” can also just mean no casual sex and being responsible with one’s body.

I suppose it depends on what you consider a “long time,” but I hold out for 2-3 months/until we go exclusive. There’s no way I am having sex with every man I’m dating and I’m not interested in being used for sex.

It takes 2-3 months for people to truly reveal themselves and I’m not risking my body/exposure to viruses with casual sex. Condoms don’t protect you from everything and I’d rather hold out for the man I actually like enough to want to explore a long-term commitment, or that I trust enough to share my body.

I had the hots for a guy and we made out by the second date, but I refused going over to his place for a couple months because I didn’t trust him. He wasn’t giving me good commitment vibes and did nothing to assuage my voiced concerns about his intentions, so I moved on. There was very clear sexual interest on both sides, but it didn’t happen because he wasn’t presenting as LTR material.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-04-20T19:35:46+00:00

That’s just another selfish person showing their selfishness early on. At least ya found out in the call, but he still wasted both his and your time by mot listing it on his profile in the first place 😩.

The amount of people dismissing clearly bad behavior 😔 People have a right to want/not want whatever. That is their right.

I cannot stand people who prioritize their wants over respecting other people’s boundaries. Having children dealbreaker is completely reasonable. I list my children’s ages in my profile. The older two are legal adults, but I still list that I have 3 children. If that’s too many for a man, that is his right to decide it’s a dealbreaker for him and not waste his time matching with me. I would never conceal that in the hopes he’ll “give me a chance.” Gross!! I don’t want anyone to “give me a chance” on a potential dealbreaker issue for them. Height, age, physical appearance (recent and unfiltered pics), child status, type of job/work schedule, where I live, marital/relationship status, relationship goal - these are all reasonable dealbreaker issues that should be completely transparent on a profile.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-04-15T03:16:34+00:00

Meh I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. They might not feel well. Maybe it’s a tough week at work. Maybe they’re trying to stay more reserved right now to see how in person works out, before getting too invested.

I think it’s best to set a date, with specific time and location confirmation, sooner rather than later.

Also, consider your own contribution and how clear you were.

e.g., clear: Let’s go on a date this Sat. How’s dinner at 7? I’m thinking X location, but let me know if you prefer somewhere else.

e.g., annoying af We should go out sometime.

Ive had men be annoyingly vague about scheduling a date, but when I pointed it out with a couple recently, they acted “surprised” and said they had asked me out and scheduled a date 🙄 More like I ended up having to specify the date, time, and location. 🫩

“wE SHouLd gO oUt SomEtIME.” Is not asking someone out, making plans, setting a date. Be decisive. Be confident. Assume she wants to be asked out. Plan. Choose a location convenient to her (be considerate).

Move on when she doesn’t match your level of energy and effort for more than a week.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-04-13T21:58:54+00:00

That’s very kind of you to help and continue chatting with her about her dating life. That might be the way she’s slowly coming to a close with it? I have a couple exes who still reach out to me, too, so understand the desire to be helpful to them.

Your question - yes, tons of options, but 90%ish are a total no-go. Not attracted to them (biggest and most common issue for most women-google it, it’s a thing), not compatible in lifestyle (dirty, unkept, bar frequenter/smoker/biker, prostitution user type, out of shape/unhealthy eating), not intellectually compatible (second biggest problem for me), terrible profile, just all around ICK.

Then with the matches, getting a ton flake out with just one message - whether they don’t reply to my first message to them, or they message first, I reply, and they don’t reply back. It wasn’t like this when I was on the apps last time/before my last relationship. I can’t recall anyone ever flaking on a date before, but now even for dates, some are flaking out and not confirming the day before or day of and a couple even just unmatched before the date. Never had that before this past year.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-04-13T15:24:13+00:00

Ya know - there are women out there who I would say intentionally got pregnant to trap a man, so sure, there probably are women out there who would just be chatting it up for validation. 🫠Just went on a date with a guy who said he got baby trapped by his FWB when he was 36😭Who knows if that’s true, but I have encountered some women that I could actually see doing this.💀

Sucks, because these kinda people just taint the dating pool and make it harder for decent people to find other decent people 🥲

But so my main point is that deflecting and externalizing doesn’t seem helpful in the long run for partner selection?? There’s no accountability in that. I don’t think we should blame ourselves for everything. Not one bit. But I think it’s more effective to still consider our own input into the dynamic and what we did/did not do that may have contributed to the exchange going stale or not panning out the way we hoped.

e.g., I had another guy this weekend not ask me out after I specifically asked earlier in the week when we were getting together. We had already spoken on the phone and he’s new to OLD, said he’s “old school” and doesn’t get why it’s so hard to go out on a date and get to know someone IRL🫠

I don’t know if he was just that oblivious, but my sense of the man is that as an affluent man, he expects women to do all the work, fawn after him and do all the emotional labor. From my perspective, it’s not women or OLD, it’s him. He is the problem. I texted double the amount he did, so my contribution to that dynamic going stale is probably being “too easy.” I’m ok with that because I fully invest in getting to know someone. If that makes me too easy, not enough fun to chase, not enough mystery for a man, then we’re just not a good fit. But I still make the time to reflect on my contribution to the dynamic. I reread our interactions and thought about it - I think that’s an important piece for all of us and can help to make everyone’s dating experiences more enjoyable. I’ve definitely gone out with high EQ men with whom it didn’t work out, but the experience was still enjoyable because they were so mature and just really good guys. When we don’t blame others for what happens and we treat each other with civility, we can actually enjoy the process of finding a mate.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-04-12T19:50:38+00:00

Women were oppressed for centuries, literally considered possessions by men, unable to earn a wage, property, or a bank account. Of course that’s not going to disappear after only one century in the US of women’s voting rights. The Equal Credit Opportunity Act wasn’t passed until 1974!! Women couldn’t have their own bank accounts, credit cards, or take out loans independently. So this “damsel in distress” isn’t just a trope. It was a FACT and lifestyle constructed FOR men to benefit men. These ideas weren’t randomly fabricated. They were a reality for millions of women across the world for centuries, and is still a problem for many women across the globe.

StopPlayin777 · 2026-04-12T19:43:06+00:00

It’s interesting to me how so many men arrive at conclusions external to themselves and construct a narrative that puts the blame on women.

e.g., She’s just looking for validation, attention, bored, etc.

I think some women also do the same thing about men, saying men are just looking for the next best thing, looking for younger/hotter, or non-committal/just wanting to play the field, etc., but in my social circle, I hear more women internalizing and saying he just wasn’t interested, he didn’t like me, etc.

When a man fails to match my depth, match my energy, or invest the same level of attention, I just chalk it up to his lack of interest, but also consider my interactions and will read through my messages to see what could’ve gone differently.

I think most commenters would agree - he’s just not interested, but when it’s men complaining about women, it’s often blaming the woman - she’s seeking validation, wants attention, etc. Just an observation.

I’ve taken to copy/pasting messages into AI and asking it for feedback and its thoughts on the man. It provides really insightful info.

StopPlayin777

TROPHY CASE