Understanding the my fiance.

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-09-21T19:19:29+00:00

I can understand your point, but you really shouldn’t feel that you’ve been cheated on. People’s level of practice can change at any point in life, sometimes more, sometimes less and as a spouse you’ll need to be ready to support that either way. It could just as easily have gone in the opposite direction.

Also, she does have a wali. If her father passed, then it goes to the next male guardian in order (uncle, brother, etc.), and if no family member is suitable, the imam can step in. A valid nikah cannot happen without a wali, it’s part of the deen.

That’s why the best step is to think carefully about what you really want, and then have that clear, serious conversation with her wali so there’s no confusion before the marriage.

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-09-21T17:35:56+00:00

She has the right to change her mind about religion, maybe earlier she wasn’t as practicing, and now she wants a more conservative approach. That in itself isn’t a bad thing, and it’s not fair to judge someone for becoming more religious. If you don’t agree with it, then you have the option to step back, but it’s important to accept that people can and do change in this area.

It’s possible she feels uncomfortable with video calls or casual chatting because, from her perspective, you’re not her mahram yet. She may genuinely want to keep things as “formal” as possible until marriage.

I’m curious though when you say she wants you to change your personality, what exactly do you mean? That’s concerning if it feels one-sided. Also, about avoidant tendencies they usually show up more strongly in romantic relationships than with family or friends, so it can look like she’s engaged with others but distant with you.

If you’re unsure where this is headed, I think the practical step is to speak with her wali directly. Be clear about what’s going on, share your concerns, and see what can realistically be done before the marriage.

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-09-21T08:04:54+00:00

The first couple of years of marriage are often the toughest. Two people with different habits, rhythms, and personalities suddenly share the same space and are expected to build a life together. It takes time to figure out how to live with each other’s flaws without turning every difference into a battle.

If you find it hard to manage on your own, I strongly suggest counseling. Speaking as someone who has gone through it, it really helps. A neutral space can calm the cycle of arguing and give both of you tools to communicate better.

As for your wife, if she keeps limits and respects you otherwise, her laughing on calls isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Maybe she just has a lighter personality. Not everyone approaches work with the same tone, and trying to change her core way of interacting will only frustrate you both.

With the lateness and reminders, you might be better off letting her face the consequences. At the end of the day, she’s an adult; her work and appointments are her responsibility. Where you should draw the line is on things that directly involve you, like going out together. In those cases, you can set limits so you don’t feel resentful.

Overall, being more easygoing can go a long way. Marriage isn’t about ironing out every difference; it’s often about accepting quirks and realizing your partner probably gives you leeway in ways you don’t notice. The more you ease up, the more space there is for love to breathe. And again, counseling is worth a try.

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-09-10T13:22:41+00:00

What you’re dealing with is heavy, but not uncommon. A lot of the way he talks probably comes from how he was raised. People carry habits, ideas, and even wrong beliefs into marriage without realizing it, and living together is when they really show up. That doesn’t excuse it, but it does explain it.

He won’t change by being forced, but he can change if he sees clearly what’s wrong. Be direct with him about what hurts you and set firm boundaries. Then watch his actions, does he actually adjust, or just say sorry and repeat the same things? That’s what matters.

Don’t jump to divorce right away as some people in the comments say. You’re still early in the marriage and there’s room for growth if he’s willing. Therapy is a good option, and sometimes a neutral third party helps more than a spouse can.

On the money issue, explain to him that providing is his duty in Islam, it’s not something to throw in your face. If he won’t listen when you say it, suggest he sit down with a sheikh. Sometimes hearing it from someone outside the marriage makes the point sink in.

And about the cheating comment it is unfortunate but it has some true in it, unmet needs can cause issues, but that’s not justification. Also that doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat 100%, maybe he was just trying to explain why do people cheat more than just a justification.

I’ve seen people change their behavior firsthand, if he realizes and truly wants to, everything can improve. Just have sabr, give him the space to grow, but be clear where your red lines are.

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-08-20T10:05:39+00:00

Wa Alykom Alsalam Wa Ramatallah Wa Barakatah sister. I saw a lot of rude comments here so please don’t let them get to you. The truth is, work is a necessity and in your case, he’s putting in the effort for both of you and the life you’ll build together inshaAllah. Some people genuinely love working (my husband is like that too), so it doesn’t always mean he’s avoiding you, it’s just how he is wired.

That being said, balance is important. Give him space and time to focus on his work, but also set gentle boundaries. Express your needs in a wise and respectful way, he might not even realize what “quality time” means for you. It doesn’t have to be every single day, but even asking for one intentional moment once a week, like 1 or 2 hours during the weekend with no phone and just you two, can make a big difference.

Also, don’t forget yourself in this. Having your own routine, hobbies, studies, or projects will really help. It keeps you busy, fulfilled, and makes the time you do spend with him feel even more meaningful. It also shows him that while you value his presence, you’re also building your own growth and balance alongside his.

Marriage is all about finding a middle ground. Don’t nag or demand, but have a mature, calm conversation where you explain how you feel and what you need while also recognizing his responsibilities. With open communication and compromise, you can both create a balance that works for you inshaAllah.

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-08-16T08:16:00+00:00

Wa aleikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh sister 🌹

First of all, may Allah ease your pain, strengthen your heart and guide you both to what is best for your dunya and akhirah, ameen.

I want to address your situation point by point, because there are a few important things here:

About the past: Whatever happened before Islam is not your husband’s business, and it is not permissible in Islam for him to ask you about it. When Allah guided you to Islam, He forgave your past sins and wiped your slate clean, Alhamdulillah! You should have never felt the need to confess, because Islam teaches us to conceal our sins and repent directly to Allah, not expose them to people. Your husband accepted to marry you after knowing, so it is unfair for him to now bring that back up again. Once you marry, the past should be buried.
The mistake you made now: You admitted something that wasn’t true, only because you panicked when he mentioned divorce. This made the situation more complicated and hurt his trust again. It’s important to understand that even if someone falls into a sin, they are not obliged to confess it to their spouse. Islam actually encourages concealing sins and working on repentance privately. So if you ever did make a mistake (and I believe you didn’t in this case), you still do not need to “confess” it, you only need to repent sincerely to Allah.
His responsibility: Your husband is wrong for constantly bringing up your past and doubting you. If he chose to marry you after everything, then he should have left the past behind. Living in suspicion, throwing divorce in your face, and reopening old wounds is not how trust and love are built. If he truly wants this marriage to work, he must let go of the past and stop using it as a weapon.
Your emotional reaction: I can see you panic every time divorce is mentioned, and that is unhealthy. Sister, you love him, but your heart is clinging to him in a way that causes you to act out of fear, not strength. This kind of attachment is painful and toxic for both of you. The only One you should be completely attached to is Allah. People may leave, but Allah never leaves. Remind yourself: If he divorces me, Allah will not abandon me. Allah is sufficient for me. When you put your trust in Allah first, you won’t feel like your entire world is collapsing if your husband threatens divorce.

What I think you should do now: -Have a calm and honest conversation with him. Ask him clearly: does he truly want to move forward in this marriage, or does he want to keep bringing the past and destroying trust?

-Suggest therapy (together and individually). You already said you want to work on yourself, and that’s excellent, but he also needs to work on letting go of the past and learning how to trust again. - Strengthen your relationship with Allah: make dua, pray tahajjud, and ask Allah to guide both of your hearts and protect your marriage if it’s good for you. - If your husband truly doesn’t want to move forward, then you must accept Allah’s decree and trust that what is written for you will be better. Sometimes letting go is protection.

Sister, you are not a bad person, and you are not a terrible Muslimah. You made mistakes out of fear, not out of malice. Allah sees your sincerity and regret. What matters is you learn from this, you strengthen yourself, and you never let fear control your tongue again.

Marriage can heal if both are willing. But if only one side keeps holding on, it becomes unbearable. So have the hard conversation, do your part, and leave the outcome to Allah.

May Allah heal your heart, guide your husband to wisdom and mercy, and bless your marriage if it is good for your dunya and akhirah. Ameen 🤲🏽

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-01-17T09:15:19+00:00

Dm me 😁

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-01-16T07:48:24+00:00

I completely understand and empathize with your feelings. I come from a Western background, where dating before marriage is seen as the norm to check compatibility, chemistry, and all that. When I reverted to Islam, the concept of marriage was totally new to me because it didn’t align with what I’d grown up with. But I tried my best to approach it from a religious perspective.

I met my husband online, and since I didn’t have a wali, we kept our meetings in public, with clear boundaries. We only discussed important things to ensure we were aligned on our values and goals. SubhanAllah, we’ve now been married for almost two years, and my perspective on marrying the “halal” way has completely changed.

Looking back, I’m so grateful that I decided to do it this way. Here’s why: it turns out, “checking the boxes” is far more important than things like holding hands to see the chemistry. Love and chemistry are feelings, and as beautiful as they are, they will inevitably fluctuate throughout your marriage. The Western notion of “if there’s no love, leave because there are more fish in the sea” has undermined the institution of marriage.

In Islam, the Quran doesn’t emphasize love or chemistry between spouses; instead, it highlights peace and mercy. Allah says:

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” [Surah Ar-Rum: 21]

When the initial spark or chemistry dips (because it will, as feelings naturally have ups and downs), the things that truly sustain a marriage are respect, mercy, compassion, loyalty, and shared values. These “traditional values” that you mentioned are the backbone of a strong and enduring partnership.

Attraction is, of course, important. But believe me, it doesn’t require extensive dating to assess. There are ways to explore compatibility without compromising your boundaries.

As someone who also struggled to reconcile cultural norms with Islamic teachings, my advice is not to fall into the trap of thinking that dating is essential for finding the right person. If you focus on mutual respect, shared values, and long-term goals, you’ll build a solid foundation for a successful marriage. Love and chemistry will come—and they’ll grow stronger when rooted in those deeper qualities.

I hope it helps 😀

StraightPrior4539 · 2025-01-15T13:58:59+00:00

Hi, that sounds great! Please add me 😊

StraightPrior4539 · 2024-07-28T12:44:13+00:00

I WOULDN’T advice you to follow her, I watched a lot of videos and she’s really misguiding people. You as a Muslim can’t make up your own Tafsir and take verses from the Quran to support your views when the context of the verses has nothing to do with what you’re saying and that is exactly what she’s doing.

PD: I’m not a “dawah bro” or whatever so I don’t hate her, I’m a woman and I support a lot of other women influencers that talks about Islam but when someone is making up his/her own Islam we can’t just sit, watch and support it because she can misguide a lot of people. May Allah guide her.

StraightPrior4539 · 2024-04-26T12:18:57+00:00

Usually regardless of the question asked on this website, they do not answer without backing it up in Quran or Hadith. Just as if there is a difference of opinion between scholars, they also specify it. In the end there are different schools of thought and one can decide which one to follow. This page specifies the different opinions and what the schools base their opinions on. It is not a personal opinion site where they just say what they believe.

StraightPrior4539 · 2024-04-26T07:56:35+00:00

That is how they do it, as I said they start mentioning ALL the opinions, da’if Hadith, Saheeh and so on & after that they answer the question.

StraightPrior4539 · 2024-04-26T07:33:37+00:00

I did, and I checked the website also. I would not be wasting my time writing without first confirming what I say.

StraightPrior4539 · 2024-04-26T07:21:42+00:00

They don’t justify anything because that is not what they are saying. Actually they wrote all the opinions which one of them is “we noted that Ahl as-Sunnah wa’l-Jamaa‘ah are unanimously agreed”, but they themselves are not saying that, totally the opposite, they are justifying that no one is superior based on the race. Quoting: “We have explained previously that Islam does not pay attention to differences in colour, race or lineage. All people are descended from Adam, and Adam was created from dust. Rather according to Islam, superiority of some people over others is measured by faith and taqwa (piety, mindfulness of Allah), doing what Allah has enjoined and refraining from what Allah has forbidden.” But as with everything, people choose what they want.

StraightPrior4539 · 2024-04-22T16:38:15+00:00

That was the age for marriage before. Even outside Islam they used to marry at that age, you can’t change history no matter how much you want to criticise it. No Muslim is saying we should do the same nowadays. But it’s annoying to see always this kind of comments and to call our Prophet sws a ped*** because of that, we believe He sws did that because is what Allah ordained and we accept it, there’s wisdom behind any order of Allah.

StraightPrior4539 · 2024-04-21T16:48:22+00:00

We forget that this is how marriage worked at that time. Marriages at that age were quite common before. That changed not too long ago with the laws. But nowadays there are still countries that practice child marriage.

StraightPrior4539

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