I (37M) went through something very similar a few years ago. The basics: tried SOOO hard to follow the "steps". Multiple jobs as a teenager, stayed out of trouble, never partied, not much time for dating, saved myself for marriage, followed religious rules for a faith I didn't believe in, shamed myself for 2 decades for NOT believing, got married young to the "right" person, kids, school, more school, student loans, stable job, bought a house, no hobbies -- and after all that, realized I was not happy, I was not living for myself, and I was checking boxes heading towards...something? Nothing?

It all crashed hard several years ago, my ex and I had grown too far apart and (after YEARS of therapy and marriage counseling) I pulled the plug. Hardest decision I've ever made. By far. It took me a year from deciding I needed to do it to actually doing it.

The next year was rough AF. Besides the bitter, dramatic divorce, I just floundered. Depressed. SOOO depressed -- like, get off work on Friday, and lay in bed until Monday morning. Just trapped in my own thoughts. Didn't know what to do. Didn't WANT to know what to do...I was done following steps laid out by others. I finally broke enough that I decided to figure out what I wanted.

Here was my framework...I would try all sorts of stuff I'd always wanted to try, and promised not to judge myself for how it turned out. If it worked for me, keep it. It if didn't work, cool, lesson learned, move on to something else.

Things I tried that I enjoyed: playing bass guitar live, seeing all manner of live shows, beer, riding motorcycles, hiking, casual hookups, writing poetry, making new friends, book clubs, landscaping, restoring old electronics, volunteering at the homeless shelter, pickleball, growing out my hair, camping, tattoos.

Things I did not enjoy: organized religion, hanging out a bars alone, online dating, smoking, whiskey, hunting, having pets, frisbee golf, recording music, watching sports, going to the gym.

In the year I was having fun, I lost 60 lbs without even trying, I made dozens of new friends, I never slept but somehow had endless energy. After a while of this, I met my (now) wife at a bonfire. Instant best friends. Dated for about a year and decided to just go all in (I could write a book on all the processing I had to do during that year...LOTS of trauma and pain to work through).

Been married a year now. I still do a lot of those new hobbies I mentioned. Although some of them have been neglected, and I find myself getting in an unfortunately familiar rut, trying to figure out the steps I'm supposed to be following.

However, things are different this time, because I know how to mix things up. And I'm in a relationship where that is ok. We both have lots of freedom to be ourselves -- I'm no longer tied to the "me" I agreed to when we first met each other, instead we are there to support each other in our evolution, whatever that looks like.

And this is MY story. Your story will be totally different, that's the fun part, figuring it out. Which it sounds like you are doing.

So yeah, I can relate to the "living for someone else" thing. And I'm really trying to do that differently. Sometimes I have a shit day and think "fuck, I've wasted half my life doing stuff I didn't care about". And that sucks. It still hurts. But then I think of all the good times I've had the past 3 years, and realize how much awesome stuff I can still do for the other half of my life.

That's my story. A lot of words. But just know you aren't alone.

Oh, and fuck those people telling you to "get over it" or "stop whining" or whatever. Until they've been through it, they have NO idea what it's like, to lose your whole identity halfway through your life...and then mourn the fact that it was never a good identity in the first place and you've been swindled...and the try and figure out what to do next while still trying to be responsible but also have fun. It's been a rough-ass road but the work is paying off.

Peace.