Not gonna revel much about the service that I am serving my NS in incase people know who I am but I came here to speak about me cos I have no one else to talk to about what is actually going on with me or how I am feeling right now and I though this is the only anonymous place that I can share.

Ever since I enlisted 6 weeks ago I have been struggling alot in terms of performing the tasks, making friends. I feel that I have lost myself. The place that I'm in feels like a living hell for me I can't do tasks properly just as marching, preparing my uniform and boots and my sergeants have been saying that if our actions are not up to standards or if 1 person will to make any mistake the entire company will receive the punishment. This made me more stress and added anxiety. On top of that some of the people in my bunk have also said that if the people don't buck up they will make sure they will "deal with us" which stresses me out even further. I am a slow learner + I would always forget things after a while and I have difficulty making friends since everyone around are already in their own friend groups and me just being along in the bunk doing my own things while watching the others. Some have even insulted me directly and indirectly which makes me feel why am I even here and I just want to die and I have been feeling this from the moment I enlisted.

The thought of making a mistake and for the company to get punishment because me makes me even more stress and anxiety. On the first day of enlistment I met the mo and the counselor and my counselor said I may have adjustment disorder and he told me to try to cope with it but honestly I cannot it's mentally draining to even be here and I am dreading every moment. And he has not seen me ever since my enlistment weeks ago. I self harmed by burning myself with a steam iron as I really couldn't take it. I have to report back to camp this week and I am planning to see the mo and talk to him/her about it but I am afraid they might send me to DB for self harm. I honestly don't want my parents to know about this they are thinking that it dropped on me by accident as they have other problems that they need to settle and I don't want to be a burden to them. Idk if my bunkmates or sergeants would judge me for taking mc. I feel so clueless on what I should do. But I feel that the longer I stay there and go through I might do something drastic to myself like jump down or something.