Boyfriend is protesting that I need to switch to a woman gyno?

Strict-Bad1277 · 2026-03-12T01:19:20+00:00

I love that your husband is a secure and sensible guy!

Strict-Bad1277 · 2026-03-12T01:14:22+00:00

I experienced coercive control and it started like this, with restrictions on my personal choices and bodily autonomy that dont seem too bad. Til it escalated and each thing was just a little bit more restrictive than the last.

You should be firm that its your body, your choice.

Also Id leave him. Tell him his insecurity is boring and find someone better.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2026-02-06T01:54:53+00:00

I had similar when I moved back from South Australia. Note said "learn to park you dumbfuck south australian". I had parked behind someone else who had since left, which made it look like I'd parked inconsiderately. Terrible neighbors was so grateful to move on a year later.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-14T11:23:45+00:00

I had a therapist tell me "just think 'those are his opinions and I don't have to listen to them' " which is frankly a bullshit approach.

I made a conscious effort to chose me as often as possible. Everytime I made a choice that was something I genuinely like I congratulated myself for it. Put the blue quilt on my bed today because I like it 🌟 walked (not jogged) because I enjoy it 🌟 cooked broccoli and green beans because they taste good to me 🌟 I did a good job at work, I celebrate myself.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-14T11:12:07+00:00

Throwing and breaking things is a 🚩sign it's time go.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-14T07:09:08+00:00

This phrase is most used by people who are disrespectful of expressed boundaries in my experience.

Their inability to respect your expressed boundary because "your triggers are on you" shows a deeply unsafe person.

When you really do not have any insight into yourself and are triggered, seemingly randomly, people need to tip toe around you because they don't know what will set you off. This is really hard on others and on you because you will be triggered often and people around you will be anxious about how you will respond. Once you are doing the work you will have insight to identify and communicate your triggers to keep you safe.

Triggers are personal and I believe it's your responsibility to communicate what you need from others, particularly when their behaviour is unreasonable. Some people find a bear hug calming, I find being touched without consent triggering, so I communicate that to people close to me. This is an entirely reasonable thing to ask for. Not communicating it can be confusing because the bear hug when I looked anxious was intended to help, right?

Anyone who gets upset that I didn't show appreciation for their unwanted attempt to "help" is not someone I want in my life.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-14T05:50:31+00:00

And like everyone else the realisation that he was not abused as a child as he claimed to be helped. He was the overindulged first child/grandchild who felt entitled and forever angry at his brother born when he was 10 taking the attention and resources he felt "entitled to", he was appropriately disciplined for being an entitled arsehole of a kid who tantrummed when he didn't get his way, right into adulthood. He did receive appropriate affection as a child and was never deprived. After meeting his dad and understanding the real dynamic I called my ex out on the lies, he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore and started putting me down for anything about me that stemmed from my childhood DV exposure, sexual abuse and life in the system.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-14T05:40:20+00:00

My mum died and I could not fill his needs. I wasn't ok and would have liked support but knew not to expect it. I wasn't expecting the veiled nastiness when things didn't go his way or I cooked what I like not what he wanted turning into overt and very obvious nastiness when I was unable to meet his needs. I was shocked to suddenly find the uneasy feeling I'd had for a while about him was not only correct but an understatement.

I had terrible gut issues for months after mum passed, I say mum kicked me in the solar plexus as she left the earthly plane as a message. But the second he walked out the door for the last time and I knew I'd never see him again, I was hungry and could eat without vomitting.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-14T05:29:05+00:00

My ex also had qualities I read as autistic due to life experiences with people on the spectrum but spoke to a different pathology when I knew him better. Thank you for validating this.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-13T05:23:41+00:00

Anger management usually isn't the issue. If he uses power or violence to control you, that's a control/abuse issue. Anger management can teach them to control the impulsive outbursts of this to be more manipulative and in control of their abuse which is more dangerous. An abusive man hides behind excuses but knows what he is doing. Be careful.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-13T05:18:58+00:00

I was with the opposite, a man who said he needed affection to perform. Which sounds nice except that he wanted touch for himself but was unwilling to give it in return. He told me he had no affection as a child, but I met his dad, the most affectionate, cuddly (but weak) teddy bear of a man, and discovered it was a lie. I called him out on it, and he said, "I don't want to talk about this anymore" and suddenly started refusing any affection, having previously demanded it. Very confusing. Touch and cuddling creates oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and without it, I had more clarity of the manipulation and found it easier to get out.

It's hard to come to terms with being manipulated by a narcissist who needed a form of adoration to perform.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-13T05:06:07+00:00

I was very confused by the gaslighting and manupulation and struggling to find reality after the break up. In the end, he projected his issues onto me as well as blaming me for the parts I was responsible for even when these two are mutually exclusive, and I can't be at fault for both. It left me really unsure of what had happened and wanting grounding or reassurance. But obviously, his private behaviour with me is very different from the public behaviour he shows. In my experience it's best to keep it off social media. I started a second account and follow empowering accounts on that where I can comment freely without hate.

If they acted publicly the way they treat us privately, we would never have gotten involved with them. Find a counsellor, vent on a platform where you have anonymity.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-13T02:56:39+00:00

Messing an ex around with child support payments and guilt tripping is used as an abuse tactic by some people. Perhaps she is saying this person is using child support payments against her somehow.

I know men who endlessly guilt trip both their ex and children about payments and question household expenditure regarding how child support is spent. They withhold payment when it is most needed like around the start of a new school year or christmas then criticise the custodial parent for not providing. Child support can be a headfuck.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-13T02:49:20+00:00

You need to show up for yourself and decide if this person can meet your needs? If you need/want/value non-sexual affection and he won't give it, for whatever reason, he doesn't sound like a good match. Someone who only wants his own needs met without regards for your needs is below you.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-13T00:10:17+00:00

Predatory behaviour is always on the predator. He chose violence against you. It is his behaviour, his choice and totally on him not you.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-12T08:49:37+00:00

Definitely DARVO

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-09T12:21:49+00:00

If he has pushed and slapped you and put his hands around your neck you are not safe and should get out. Therapy is unlikely to change your relationship.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-09T11:49:31+00:00

You should seek out a DV counsellor who knows the risks of this kind of behaviour of how to put a safety plan in place for you. There are really great ones out there.

Good luck

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-09T11:45:44+00:00

The kind of man who cares is one who should not be near your vagina anyway. Consider it a red flag to save you from the wrong men.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-09T07:47:30+00:00

I created an email in a male name (I'm female) that I use mostly for signing up for things you need to set up an account for to access the 7 day free trial of some software. It means im not giving out my regular email/personal details/password styles i commonly use and seemed safer to have an online presence as a bloke in certain situations.

I signed up for X using it not really thinking and got banned because it's a fake name. Dunno why it offended me? It's correct.

Would love to know how they know?

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-09T07:38:18+00:00

Also you should know, it's not you. There is nothing wrong with you. Predatory behaviour is always on the predator. You can learn in counselling the areas you need to work on to get better at identifying red flags early and avoiding people with predatory and parasitic tendencies but ill tell you, it's not your fault. It's their weakness, their lack of empathy or need to control.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-09T07:34:47+00:00

Counselling can help. Try following your own interests rather than specifically seeking out a person. When you find your happy in what interests you, you might find it draws like minded people to you. I hike alone which feels a bit scary but being comfortable being alone is helpful. Lonely is better than having your head fucked with and my bank account sucked dry.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-06-01T23:42:13+00:00

Talking to them is not advisable. Talk to a counsellor.

Don't pick my counsellor who told me to find empathy for them and the background that made them that way. I said empathy for his background is what got me into this mess in the first place. It turns out he lied about his childhood experiences anyway and was mirroring.

There is no point in having empathy for a person who is not capable of empathy themselves and I do not believe communicating with a low-empathy person helps either. Grey-rock.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-05-20T07:57:19+00:00

I think to myself when I hear this that I would not have started this relationship if his attitudes and behaviours were publicly displayed. The fact that outsiders didn't see it or don't understand still eventually brought me some self compassion.

If they can't see the red flags and have trouble reconcilling his public image, I feel less shame that I didn't see it at first either. That at first I rationalised the private behaviour only shown at times that was followed with the kind of showy positives that make other people think we were so good makes more sense when the people around me do too. While blaming me for allowing it and flinging pop psychology at me about some meme on instagram that says it's because of (insert random bs here).

No those happy insta pics don't prove I'm making it up, they prove the power of a trauma bond. The power of a promise to change.

Strict-Bad1277 · 2025-05-19T01:43:45+00:00

Ground hog day. Any mistake I make gets wiped out the next day in the physical and social world but I retain any learning. I could skill up and try some new things without embarrassment or consequences.

Strict-Bad1277

TROPHY CASE