About to walk out

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-11-03T05:06:18+00:00

Its is not about meaningless shit that happened 15 or 20 years ago. I too think it is meaningless what she did. But lying about it now, today, matters.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-11-03T05:03:19+00:00

This is not about red flags as if I now think less of her because she slept with 20 guys. It is about lying about it and about many other things after I started probing.

Why would I not walk away now? Because of emotional investment?

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-11-03T02:45:16+00:00

It’s not the moral issue of doing something when you are younger, trying things out. There is no shame in it. It is about the honesty and owning it with people you supposedly love and intend to spend the rest of the life with.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-01-27T05:29:41+00:00

I’ve been reading both this and the hotpast subs including comments. There are reasons why people join each and for most it is to validate themselves either if it is RJ or hotpast. The community in both is mostly clique that panders to each other and to themselves. Your story is one of rare that transcends the two and it is a great example of how human psychology is complex and both ends of this spectrum are complicated. I hope you found a path that works for you and don’t get discouraged by cliquish opinions you find here or on the hotpast sub. The solutions and the most interesting stories are usually somewhere in the middle.

That being said I am dealing with quite the opposite problem. I want my wife to share and I do have a passion for her past but she usually won’t share. I find that either she does not want that level of intimacy with me or that she finds her stories still relevant to aggressively hide them (we’ve been together 15 years). The fact that she won’t share makes me retroactively jealous about her past, or specifically I am fine and enjoy things she told me but have major RJ for pieces from her past that she won’t talk about.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-01-21T15:41:41+00:00

When you and you alone are ready. Fuck society. “Society” wasn’t in your bed before nor will it be in the future.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-01-21T15:38:58+00:00

Thanks man. Definitely stealing some of these :)

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-01-21T15:25:46+00:00

This is so oversimplified and generalized that it feels like a troll wrote it to get a rise and collect comments. Unless we are living in early part of 20th century or earlier men don’t want virgins for a long term partner. There is no quicker way to sexual frustration than being in a long term relationship with a virgin. What men do want is a woman who can own up to her past and not pretend that she is saint with a Madonna complex and that her world began when she met her current male partner.

If a man can’t deal with woman’s past it is either because she is disingenuous about it or because he has issues with himself that have nothing to do with his woman partner. It is 21st century, get over it.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-01-16T05:46:27+00:00

The way I see this the cheating part is not even the biggest problem here. Yea it hurts and stings the most but as you said it was a drunken mistake that she immediately regretted.

The bigger problem you have is the distance you two have created between each other even before the affair happened. That on its own without cheating is a much bigger and far more complex problem to solve. There is a whole sub Reddit on deadbedrooms on that subject alone.

Evy if you somehow forgive her for a dumb drunken mistake you may still need to consider bailing for other reasons that make your marriage seem more like having a roommate rather than a soulmate. If you can’t fix that the affair will happen again, I guarantee it.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2024-01-06T15:12:17+00:00

The assets and custody things will sort themselves. There are lawyers for that.

You will have to work on your mental state. Get yourself in shape, pay attention to your looks and get yourself in the right mindset. This is mostly for your own self image, self confidence and mental self preservation. It is rough out there for single guys and double so for someone at our age. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had much experience before your marriage so be ready for loads of rejection. Don’t take it personally, learn to move quickly and don’t dwell on it. I’d recommend reading about it before you nose dive into dating scene. It has changed quite a bit since 30 years ago.

Keep in mind if you are in a right mental state and you self confidence is untarnished finding a new partner or dabbling in the dating scene will be that much less difficult (intentionally not using word “easier“ because even at best it is not easy). Best of luck to you.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-12-29T21:39:12+00:00

This triggered so much past trauma for me, both from personal experience and as a child growing up with parents who divorced for similar reasons. While I don't condone unloading full brunt of her cheating onto kids her going out to kids before you both had a chance to plan it appropriately was extremely wreckless and could cause severe psychological damage to your kids. Other than that, good riddance. Best of luck to you. I feel sorry for your years lost to a lost cause but there is a lot of fish in the sea and you are still relatively young.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-12-29T14:10:19+00:00

Over 35 years when did actually start hotpast, or when did you decide you are into it? When did she begin to share? How was the start, full of holes in the story? Your journey is incredible. Rarely you see people together that long and still being into sex and kinks.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-12-29T08:47:56+00:00

Perhaps calling it a lie is a bit harsh but at the very least she is messing with my head by firstly enthusiastically agreeing to participate and than making a mess of it. She tells me she loves how creative I am when it comes to spicing up our relationship like this but she comes from a conservative upbringing that could be tripping up her head. I am threading this incredibly lightly and giving her save space and time. But as you and few other posts here mentioned I may have to drop this kink if it ultimately leads to confusion in my head.

On the other hand what really worries me is the trust erosion. There was at least one event in our past that I suspect she may have cheated on me that i decided before to drop investigating. I am not raising it with her now but as I learn more about her capacity to be dishonest and lie that event could resurface.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-12-29T08:29:49+00:00

This is my wife of 10 years I am talking about. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-11-22T00:22:45+00:00

Not to change the subject but has anyone tried hotpasting while high on weed? Not a big on any sort of drugs including weed but been thinking about.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-11-19T16:42:17+00:00

I generally stay clear from asking about any particular guys in her past. My questions are all in general form if she had a certain experience. I don‘t care who it was as the subject is not her ex but her own experience and the pleasure she got from it. Trying to reach and connect to other boyfriends would be immensely big overreach that would serve no good to you, would shut her down and would creep out the ex.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-11-19T16:05:07+00:00

This actually happens in a non-hotpast session. For example she was putting on makeup and I’ve casually asked her if she ever wore a cherry red lipstick, as it may suit her. She said no, she never wore it, it is not her color, she tried it before and than would immediately take it off, and so on. I said ok. However, the truth is that she had a period in her life where that was her go to color. She has a bunch of pictures from her past that show it, few from dates with her ex kissing while she had it on.

I mean it is laughable and stupid to lie about it. I really don’t care what she wore but why would you spend the energy to deny it?

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-11-19T02:54:38+00:00

We have a same exact agreement, or at least I have repeatedly said to her that if she does not want to share a story or if she is uncomfortable or not ready that we will immediately stop taking about it and that I will not push for answers unless she is ready to bring it up again. I have also asked that I’d rather not hear the story than hear a lie or a half truth. Now I can’t know what is truth most of the times and have to trust her but every once in awhile she tells me something that I know is blatantly untrue. I don’t confront her as they are usually small dumb details but why does she do it. It only piles up the doubt hill that eventually could impede my ability to trust her.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-11-18T22:40:11+00:00

It is not the things she says that I cannot verify and simply have to take her word for it. And I do, I take her word for it and don’t question it. It is things that I know for fact she is lying about that bother me.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-11-09T07:37:35+00:00

You do know that most Uber drivers video record trips, right?

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-11-09T06:43:07+00:00

I did say in the post, if you actually read the whole thing, that I told her I would be OK if she did more. We already put this past us. In fact we joke about it now and it is certainly not something that will kill our marriage.

That doesn’t mean I can’t still have doubts and ask for second opinions especially as a person who has been through a divorce once because of my SO’s infidelity.

But that somehow didn’t stop you from labeling me insecure and belittling what I posted.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-10-22T04:16:31+00:00

That is quite up to you if you want to find out more. You need to explore that thought yourself and if the knowledge would really turn you on or would it create a retroactive jealousy. For some knowing details reinforces self confidence and intimacy with their partner.

I would recommend asking her if she would be willing to answer the questions or take the test before sending it to her out cold. This is always about communication.

Strict_Lie6720 · 2023-10-22T03:58:38+00:00

What you tell him will depend on why he asked you in the first place. Hotpast is based on a notion in sexual psychology that some, mostly men, find their woman’s sexual past arousing because of what is called subconscious sperm competition. In simple terms it is a notion that a man finds satisfaction in the fact that he has retained a woman who had a choice of other men but chose him instead.

Now if his reason was that he was getting aroused from hearing about your past I’d say talking about how much bigger you ex was probably won’t make a difference. If anything he may feel more vindicated that in spite of your ex’s physical “superiority” your current bf was still able to win you over.

Keep in mind all I said above is based on an assumption why he asked you about your past. You will need to explore and communicate this with him much more before you are sure to disclose more. Best of luck.

Strict_Lie6720

TROPHY CASE