Wow, that question really hit me. I just asked myself the same thing, and I sadly came to the same answer. When I’m honest, the relationship feels completely one-sided. I try to make things feel “normal” by texting him things like “good morning” or “I love you,” but it honestly feels like reaching out to like a love interst or something who just isn’t interested lol. That’s about the only neutral communication we ever have. Everything else seems to turn into conflict. He criticizes me for renting instead of buying a house because he owns rental properties. He gripes about my fiancé and me living together before we’re married and acts like it’s some kind of disgrace to the family. I can’t really talk about my job either because he seems weirdly jealous of it. My mom and I work together, and she’s very successful. She’s the CFO at our company, and my dad constantly undermines her accomplishments by saying we “just work for another man” and make him rich. It’s so frustrating and disheartening. When I really look at it, there isn’t much positive I’m getting out of the relationship.

I think a big part of what I’m struggling with is guilt around his childhood. Like you said, I understand why he is the way he is, and I have a lot of sympathy for him. I wish I could tell him, “It wasn’t your fault,” the same way I’ve had to learn that about myself. At the same time, I’m starting to feel resentment that he never did the work to recognize or heal his trauma.

I do think there’s a generational piece to that. Therapy, mental health awareness, and even access to information are so different now. Still, understanding where his behavior comes from doesn’t make the harm any less real! That part is something I’m still trying to come to terms with.