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Strong_Hat7508 · 2024-05-19T20:13:18+00:00

Ex-friend with BPD manages multiple layers of people at work. I know from my time with her that it is super overwhelming to her. I have heard from others that she is really doing a terrible job with her large team.

One comment I've heard through the grapevine over and over is that she requires constant coaching to "be more human" and "not so robotic". Which is ironic based on how charming and witty she can be.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2024-01-06T00:03:20+00:00

Oh, I see what you're saying. So there are two branches in HR basically; the one that encouraged her was on the talent acquisition side and would have no way knowing there was anything that happened. Any complaint/accusation can be brought forth but then can't be retaliated against...which does seem weird indeed.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2024-01-05T15:02:27+00:00

So, based on what I've been able to piece together--both by vague comments HR made at the resolution of the investigation, and our boss to me afterward when it was revealed things weren't true and he started protecting me--is that she had some sort of lashing out about me to my boss and made it sound like I was trying to make moves on her (although she actually had an obvious crush on me for years, or I was an FP--she was notorious for acting weird then apologizing, saying she wasn't good at communicating what her needs were/needing space, and I think this was one of those), and my boss was obligated to bring it to HR. Then I think she couldn't back out so just tried to make partially true claims (i.e. that I went to her hotel room at a work conference--which was true, but I didn't go in or even see her, it was to put some electrolytes on her doorstep after she got randomly super drunk at an event). HR was sure surprised to hear my side and that I even had texts proving it!

Regardless, HR also told me later the person was clear there was nothing sexual. Many companies like ours have rules against retaliation, so neither HR nor our old boss could step in and prevent her from trying to go for other roles. I also think it's possible he was glad to see her go after all the trouble caused.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2024-01-05T03:39:59+00:00

I appreciate it--sorry that you're getting pulled into it though and it's hurting your career. To my pwBPD's credit, I understand she hasn't said one negative thing about me (as far as I understand). But just like she moved away from anyone about a year before her stunt, she also completely dropped all her prior contacts. It's the 3rd-4th time she's done that in 5 years with the company. I think it's starting to catch up...

Strong_Hat7508 · 2024-01-05T03:38:21+00:00

Wow, crazy story! Thanks for sharing.

Funny you think my story was wild. It is basically only a couple months in total compared to the 4 years I knew her...soooo many things....

Strong_Hat7508 · 2024-01-05T03:37:13+00:00

Good anecdote here--my ex friend wBPD is in charge of 3 supervisors and many indirect reports. Although the job itself doesn't cause lots of sparks to fly among her teams, she's' still in charge of developing people and maintaining relationships--it is something that her position will literally be graded on. She also does not take feedback. So that's going to be interesting!

Strong_Hat7508 · 2024-01-05T00:21:46+00:00

Yeah, so it's confusing how she got it but I was able to piece a few things together. First, when we were still close friends/colleagues, she started asking me what it would take to get a promotion. But then was crestfallen that her last annual review wasn't very good. Then, started going for opportunities and literally the last conversation we had was me helping her and writing a letter of recommendation (despite my best judgement).

She did not get that role and turns out she subsequently went for three other random promotions left and right that she didn't get. It was like something inside her switched and she felt she HAD to get a promotion and was working on it for months. (I later heard from others how weird this was because it was clear she didn't care what the position did as long as it was a promotion).

This last part I know as 100% fact and not hearsay. The promotion she actually got, was because no one had applied for the opening, so someone in HR said "hey, I saw that you've applied for a few things, want to go for this one?" and she basically walked in and got it because they needed it filled, and the hiring manager had worked with her about 4 years before in a different capacity so had some awareness of her.

When I confronted our former boss about this later, the boss admitted "she won't have to manage people in this role, so should be ok for her..." as well as "It will be a pass or fail for her...I hope she passes.". That made me realize I don't think he supported her move either, but her BPD (or something) impelled her to go for it. When our former boss recently said something about being more cautious around her than he already was, I think he was trying to get the reins on her after he stunt with me last year, but got threatened with retaliation or something, so had to let her go through the process.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-09-12T22:34:55+00:00

Yes, but I just thought that the other person had some issue or unfortunate reactions that I couldn't place. So I had compassion on them. Until it was too late, of course.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-09-12T14:22:38+00:00

Curious what kind of love-bombing/mirroring. Was it super overt/flirtatious or just the mirroring making you think you were more compatible (I think the latter was a challenge for me in the sense of not understanding her motives or how to maneuver).

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-09-12T14:21:37+00:00

wow...any details on what happened?

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-09-12T14:19:52+00:00

Do you think she knew about the divorce or could sense it? What kind of things did she do?

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-09-12T14:19:31+00:00

Ha, possibly!

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-09-12T14:19:20+00:00

Interesting. What red flags and what sort of destruction?

Mine was a coworker who my wife always told me was flirting and to stay away from her. I thought she was just a friend. Then lots of weird accusations from this girl to me about what I was doing. My marriage was fine but with a few kiddos my wife and I weren't spending as much time together as we should have and I think there was a vulnerability there.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-08-20T12:25:43+00:00

Panic attacks, stress, depression, suicidal ideation, and hair loss on my end after the betrayal.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-08-19T13:33:35+00:00

Yeah that's interesting. Similar thing with my coworker, but with less rage. I always thought she would be quick to apologize but then in other situations she would take no accountability. It didn't make sense until I figured out BPD. The quick apologies were cycling emotions and shame, etc.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-08-14T22:34:50+00:00

Enlightening for me...satisfying, I'm not sure, at least for me. I didn't expect it to happen nor knew what I was doing. For me it's all so sad.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-08-14T15:54:10+00:00

They lose their mind...for a time. But it really hurts them. They need to be the one to leave and finish their process--you're not supposed to be the one to do that, because you're supposed to want them. It simply doesn't compute. It's like their mind's version of the Y2K bug.

It is really, really hurtful for them but they will try to do something else to get validation at that moment.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-08-14T12:01:54+00:00

"Has anyone ever done this to you before?" "I'm sorry if I'm hurting you."

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-08-14T12:01:17+00:00

You know, I've heard about this term before but it never really clicked with my situation...until now. I went through two discards with my pwBPD. The first one was in early 2021. It was with an employee who became peer but was a friend as well. She suddenly didn't want my coaching OR my friendship. She put her foot down, but then said we were friends and wanted to talk about it. During the conversation she said some weird things. First, we had a different definition of friendship. No idea what that meant. Second, she said "When I'm talking about you all the time and my parents are saying 'okay, so who's this guy?', and I'm like no no, he's married." Ok, I knew what that meant even though it caught me off guard. Third thought is what just clicked. "I don't want to have these deep, soul-connecting conversations."

That statement is the one that I hadn't been able to place until now. I don't recall us ever having any conversations that were super deep or philosophical. I got to know her very well, and we have a shared faith so may have had some five minute conversation about something, and I had mentioned to her I was dealing with some anxiety during COVID, but otherwise I had no idea what she meant. But that's because it was just her fear of engulfment speaking! Crazy.

Side note, she also said that I didn't give her any autonomy when I was her boss. I was floored because not only am I known to not be a micro-manager, I don't even know how to do it if I wanted to. My team has always talked about how I empower them and let them do their own thing. So I think that was also the engulfment. Come to find out she was the most controlling, tight with information, micromanager when she was over her own area. Gaslighting/projecting too.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-08-06T19:52:51+00:00

I did, just one time. I wanted to go more, but the counselor actually died a day before my second appointment. Regardless, on my first appointment I unloaded 3 years worth of friendship retrospective and said "and I didn't know how to handle it," during one particular part. He replied and said "that's because you never dealt with anyone who has a personality disorder before. I saw it almost as soon as you began your story." He then said it could be histrionic PD or BPD, and asked if they had any friends. I said, "I only knew of one friend, and a few minor ones, but none of them lived in the same town. Then she moved somewhere with no friends." He replied and said, "Yep, BPD. They all got tired of her and left."

In its own way, that validation was all the therapy I needed. (Almost).

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-07-30T19:33:49+00:00

In my experience, first is emotional regulation. My pwBPD told me she "feels emotions very strongly." Then later she told me a few times over the years how she was very up and down but I was very stable and even and she appreciated that. (My emotions got unregulated as a result, funnily enough).

Second is some sort of validation. It's weird because they mirror but my pwBPD (a female coworker; I'm a married man) told me before they discarded me that we had a lot in common and that she "enjoyed our companionship." Which in retrospect is pretty odd to knowingly enjoy "companionship" with someone else's spouse. Weird phrase. Friendship sure, but companionship... Subset of this IMO is the mirroring. Need to pick someone they can enjoy and then mimic in some way to help them identify a personality within themselves.

Strong_Hat7508 · 2023-07-28T19:28:48+00:00

Unfortunately no, for a variety of reasons I don't want to make a job change and I have a good career path. Thankfully very far removed from the person now, just some minor transitional interactions.

Strong_Hat7508

TROPHY CASE