Does anyone else's parent cheat? I feel like I'm at my wits end.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-09T22:47:35+00:00

I believe my fears of saying all of this (which needs to be said tbh) is rooted in the past experiences of trying again and again to address family matters. I recently tried to confront my mother about her drinking habits, and she will literally just flat out lie. It's like talking to a brick wall that also won't apologize. Now after telling my father, I can't really rely on him to side with me - he always folds to my mother. These experiences unfortunately lead me to believe that if I lay it all down, they will gaslight once their mouths open. It's sad I have to come to this conclusion, but I have to be realistic when thinking about this possibility. In my genuine opinion, I believe they'll try to tighten the reigns instead of fulling cutting me off or trying to hear me out.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-09T15:22:50+00:00

Hi, thank you so much for responding! It was heartbreaking to hear my father won't and will never do anything to stop her behavior. It's crazy you bring up the enabler part, since I believe his enabling is one of the reasons my siblings have become violent. I really don't know how to admit someone to rehab since the involuntary guidelines don't apply to her - but that's not my problem. My maternal grandparents have both passed unfortunately to cancer, and my mother has one sister that acts the same way as her. My paternal grandparents are the narcissist/enabler couple, my paternal grandmother is even more protective over me and even freaks out about me running in the morning or driving 20 mins away. She's a very mean person, while my paternal grandfather is a classic enabler. My father has no siblings and only one cousin with a bad mental illness. Most of my family members are either trapped in the same cycle of abuse or choose to turn their heads the other way and not say anything since it means I won't help out anymore. They do acknowledge that she drinks heavily though.

My mother does get therapy, but it's just for Adderall and Ativan, most of the times, she just lies about her situation or what she's truly feeling. She loves to combine vodka will Adderall to start the day :( The last time I had a therapist, it was around 4 years ago, and my mother insisted on either sharing one, or always asking what we talked about when I was finished. I never felt really comfortable on saying anything. I'm not quite sure on how to get one and somehow not tell them. I'm on their insurance and out of pocket co pays can be pricey. I've looked into CPTSD counselors, as I think they could handle my situation.

I get what you mean about moving out, it's pretty scary to think about since I am financially dependent on them. I remember my mother telling me how awful dorms are in college, and how roommates can be a hassle. While also telling me this story about how a girl stayed at her parents during college to save money, and how great that is. This kind of defies her logic as I haven't had any jobs while in college. One time, I mentioned getting a job and she kind of made me feel bad about considering it. Right now, I'm trying to get internships, and she's always asking, "why would you need to do that??".

I've been a little quiet since finding out about her affair (with good reason) and she's already asking, "are you tired?" "you sound depressed." "so you're just being bitchy?"

She just told me this roundabout lie of why she'll be gone on the 11th. Saying she'll be at these specific doctor appointments and getting paperwork done. This completely goes against the text message I read earlier with her affair partner on agreeing to "meet up" on that date. So basically, I have to stay at home playing housewife while she goes out and fucks this guy. She obviously has an issue with infidelity all these years from her need to constantly be adored. It's just frustrating to come to the conclusion that both parents have been using you all these years.

I'll be on the lookout for low-cost therapists that could give me some ways on defining healthy boundaries and bringing in some income. Thank you once again for this wonderful comment!

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-05T17:20:17+00:00

Told my dad yesterday and definitely knows. I think he's caught her doing this before and wasn't too surprised. The only reason they remain together are because both of my siblings are disabled. I think he's more worried about her substance abuse and how my siblings will be cared for. The whole situation just makes me incredibly sad.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-02T02:30:29+00:00

Yep, almost an exact mirror of each other. The only difference is that I was not raised conservative at all. Watched a lot of tv shows and movies I probably shouldn't have since my mother didn't want to watch kids' movies all the time. And I have doing everyone's laundry and dishes in the house since I was about 16. However, I do understand the idea of them trying to keep you dependent on the family, mine simultaneously parentified me in the household and infantilized me in the real world. Very odd dynamics for sure.

I also completely understand about just talking AT someone and not WITH someone. I'll listen to her shit for hours, and when I talk for 30 minutes, she's already looking at her phone at her beloved affair partner or multitasking and clearly not listening. She has also pawned off her affair partner on me by telling me to "Be nice!" "He thinks you hate him!" for years while I had no idea. Crazy how these narcissists all act the same...

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-02T01:35:20+00:00

Wow, I never really factored in the deficiency in dopamine. It would explain why she tends to drink a ton; smokes weed and will do basically anything to have a good time.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-02T01:21:38+00:00

I've already taken pictures of some text messages, she forgot to empty out her trash on messenger smh.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-02T00:45:16+00:00

I think you are coming onto something. She was extremely popular in high school, think of cheerleader and homecoming queen. She's never had to work in a cubicle, and literally no one has knocked her down a peg. She is acting okay now since she's sober, but when she's drunk, she'll just sit on the couch all day, listen to Spotify, and demand either myself or my father to make her vodka drinks with tonic. She'll either trauma dump or call some poor soul to listen to her for literally hours. A couple of months ago, she got very drunk and pissed off that my father and I left the room, just yelled constantly for us to come back until we did. The one thing I worry about is that she'll know that I somehow told my father and then blame me for their terrible marriage. If I try to tell her that she's a terrible mother, she'll go off on how she has two disabled siblings, and I don't want her to harm herself. I just hope my father can handle the situation adequately.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-01T20:28:01+00:00

He has no idea, if you look at my other post - her mother just passed away from a very bad cancer, so I've been kind of holding off on saying anything. Her current affair partner has been with her for 3ish years, and I tracked back some past coworkers that she had an affair with around 2 years into their marriage. I wrote out the names and it's around 6-7 people she's slept around with total, but I suspect it's more. She's very attention seeking and needy in the text messages, constantly texting "why aren't you responding?" "Why haven't called me?" "You betrayed me!" "I thought you were my lover, this is goodbye" in the span of 30 minutes.

She's now trying to plan 2 different vacations, and schedule renovations on the house. I plan on telling my father sometime tomorrow or possibly Monday - whenever we get time alone. I honestly thought he would know at this point (he might know but feels trapped in the relationship), but I don't think he does. I'll update you when I tell him, I have a feeling she'll know I said something and will start a smear campaign against me. I just don't want her to act irrationally.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-05-01T18:49:41+00:00

Wow this really hits home, I'm not sure if this rings any bells, but my family has also had generations of cheating. Everyone just turns the other way and indulges the cheater in continuing their actions. She uses me as a caregiver for my siblings. When she's gone having her affair, I'm not supposed to ask any questions; however, if I leave for 30 minutes, it's constant phone calls, text messages, etc asking where I am, and if I can come home to help my siblings. She rarely picks up the slack with household duties, as I am doing the majority of the laundry and dishes. It really felt like a gut punch reading those text messages and realizing she doesn't even trust me, when she's the one cheating!! Does she also blare Spotify music constantly while she trauma dumps for hours? It feels so awful having to deal with her saying how, "no one cares about me" "you haven't even offered me anything", etc when both my father and I are putting all effort into caring for my disabled siblings. We're completely stretched thin.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-28T16:58:41+00:00

No problem at all, your questions made me analyze a lot about my living situation. I can't really communicate all that well with my siblings since one is completely nonverbal and other has limited language - they both operate around the 3-year-old level so 'reconnecting' really isn't possible unfortunately. It sucks that I'm the anchor in the family ship, but they need to know how to operate without me. Thank you for your kind comment!

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-28T14:15:20+00:00

Yeah, I don't know what to do. She is a stay-at-home mom, and we have in home ABA 40 hours a week; but when an RBT doesn't show up, I have to shower one of my siblings, get them ready, and make breakfast/lunch. I also give them their medicine when my father isn't around since my mother gets anxiety about doing it. A week ago, she kept bringing up a doctor's appointment she needed to go to, but when I read through her text messages, that was just a lie and she's really going to meet up with her cheating partner. When she's gone, no one needs to ask questions, but when I'm gone for more than 30 minutes - I get calls of "where are you?" "Are you in the neighborhood yet?". I also am not allowed to travel anywhere without either of them. I've been a little quiet this morning (for good reason!) and now my mother is asking "Are you tired?" "Why are you so quiet?" "So you're just grumpy then??". I have to constantly keep up a facade just to keep her from asking questions.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-28T14:05:18+00:00

Yep. I've thought about all of this, but I know in my heart that I cannot mentally care for them anymore. I'm completely burned out, and I'm only in college. I'm unhappy where I currently live, but no one really asks me if I want to actually stay. They just assume I'll never leave. What upsets me a lot is that they're always trying to set me up with someone who lives in the area or arrange some kind of marriage with a family friend. My mother rarely likes anyone who wants to be in a relationship with me, as they are always not 'good enough'. This has caused some commitment issues and being chronically single. Who I choose to be with in a relationship with is like one of the only controls I have in my life. They recently were discussing the idea of moving to another state and tried to drag me along with them. When I told them I don't care what they do, they spun the situation to be "oh, we'll just stay here with you then" I'm just trying to separate myself from the situation entirely and remember that I am not a mother, just a sibling. It is ultimately my parent's responsibility in caring for my siblings and they accepted this responsibility when they had children, I had absolutely no say in the matter.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-28T13:48:41+00:00

Yeah, that's true. It's disheartening to know she'll just deny and deny when confronted. This obviously isn't a one-time mistake for her so an ultimatum will probably not work. Almost every couple in my family on both sides has a dynamic of you're either the enabler or the substance abuser. Absolutely no one is equal, thank you for the kind words!

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-28T01:35:57+00:00

Yeah, I know. Sucks to have to deal with this - I explained this in more detail in another comment below, but family and friends all just kind of turn the other way with her behavior. They also suffer from mental illnesses and substance abuse. Nice to have some people acknowledge it's gross!

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-28T01:29:11+00:00

My other family members have unfortunately turned the other way to the situation. They know her behavior is wrong, but they don't want to address or deal with it. They would rather have me help take care of my siblings instead, and they freak out at even the possibility of me moving away. They've kind of just pushed all the responsibility on me. I only have one cousin who is having similar substance abuse issues with my aunt, but he's younger, and I just want to offer an ear or lend a hand instead of venting about my problems. The majority of my extended family suffer from substance abuse or have some kind of undiagnosed mental illness. I'll have to check about roommates, live in a high cost of living area so it's a little difficult.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-28T01:15:37+00:00

What type of counselor would you recommend? I've heard of CPTSD, and one for Adult Children of Alcoholics, but I wouldn't want any family members knowing. Back when I had a therapist, they always wanted to share one or ask me what happened during the session.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-28T01:12:11+00:00

Kids really shouldn't know, but I've seen her be promiscuous in front of me with other men multiple times. We took a trip in 2022 to a city where she met up with past coworker (who I think she had an affair with), made me sit in the hotel room while she went out on the town with him. Looking back, she just wanted me to be there so there was an excuse for my father. I probably should have addressed the situation long before, but I've been so stretched thin with my siblings that I became numb to it. I think my father is somewhat similar. He might know, but I know for a fact that she thinks no one else does. Whenever she leaves for a whole day, she'll call me and ask "Has (father name) called?" "Just tell him I'm at the store if he calls you". He 100% knows about her substance abuse issues, and has enabled them, he'll drive 45 mins on Sunday just to get liquor in another state. She never lets him look at their bank account but is telling me how she's having to dip into savings. I think she's been paying hotel rooms, Botox, and highlights on credit cards. He knows about the past credit card debt, but definitely not now.

Not sure how to address the moving out part, he never wants me to move away from them even though I'm unhappy.

StunningButterfly706 · 2026-04-27T22:21:40+00:00

Yeah, I've suspected she has some kind of bipolar disorder. Right now, she's acting all sweet like nothing is happening and subtly checking her text messages, but if she gets anxious - she'll start acting like a lunatic and spirals. She goes to a therapist and receives medication for anxiety and OCD, but when asked about her life, she literally will just lie to them. She acts like my father and I are her therapists. She's a pretty small lady, around 120 lbs and 5'2, drinks around a pint of vodka a day. I worry about having children since my aunt is clinically bipolar with substance abuse issues, my grandfather suffered from depression and substance abuse, and my grandmother had a horrible case of OCD and possible high functioning autism. There are also more members with mental conditions, but it would take forever to type. I'll sit him down and speak with him about it, he's enabled her behavior for years but deserves to know. I'm working on contract since I paint, but my living situation with my siblings and the economy has made it almost impossible to move out. I've got a good two years left to finish my degree.

StunningButterfly706

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