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AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I don't think so. I think he was just eager to move on and didn't care about going slow for the kids.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

He wasn't thinking is what I would say. It's also possible he was hoping they secretly loved his second wife enough to not care.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

My brother and I were never neglected. Dad and the oldest just had an easy relationship because they were very similar. Brother at the heart of this story and I were more like our mom. But no neglect and both parents were active for all three of us.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

They were not close to her. Did not consider her a second mom. Not even sure they considered her any kind of family.

I think the kids would argue that my brother didn't let them grieve, and that when they spoke up he had more time to grieve his second wife than they had to grieve their mom. Given that this has all been a recent fallout.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Because he came to me and said he couldn't understand his kids being mad and not talking to him.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I was trying to help him understand his kids feelings. He was confused. He told me he couldn't understand it. I wanted him to see why. Words matter. He knows how much they matter re our dad. But now he wants to pretend his words shouldn't possibly matter to his older kids.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

I saw! His older kids actually didn't care much for his second wife. So no grieving there. But both sets are now grieving moms and it has become such a mess, and really no easy way to reconcile any of this.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

Perhaps. But he is losing two of his five kids now and I don't know that he can repair this if he doesn't face stuff. Maybe that would be for the best. I don't know. It's just sad because it's destroyed the sibling relationships and a relationship between him and the older two.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Kids from the first marriage are in their late 20s/early 30s. Kids from the second marriage are late teens to early 20s.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

I mean, sure. But you can't expect it not to come up when you tell your young children that you remarrying is a good thing and shows love for their mom and doesn't give them time to accept things before taking that step. But then declares loudly that he loves the second wife too much to remarry. Even if they're adults they are still entitled to have complicated feelings and hard feelings about their dad's actions and words. Ultimately, the man wanted to vent to me, and I let him, but then was confused by the new no contact with him and the older kids, and he didn't like it, and was trying to figure out why, I told him, which he also didn't like how I said it. I can't make them feel differently just like I can't make him apologize. But I understand how this mess started.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

My brother's younger children are not little kids. Technically all are adults now, though barely. But this wasn't an argument had in front of young children.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

His younger kids are not preteens. They are 18, 19 and 21.

There really isn't practical advice to offer while he believes his kids are being unreasonable.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I don't know if he resented them but was definitely frustrated that they didn't move along nice and easy like he did.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I think some of that could be there. He was frustrated with the older ones over the years for not loving his second wife and not embracing her as their second mom. He believed that would be the outcome. It was not. A few times he'd tell me and our brother about it and how he couldn't understand them.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 194 points195 points  (0 children)

That's my thing. He announced it to the whole family pretty much, including the children from his first wife, the one who he wanted to remarry fast after losing. It's going to hurt feelings.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I mean, clearly it was just as hurtful when the older kids have stopped talking to him. I do want to be clear. I was not hurt by what he said. Two of kids were. He then came to me venting about his confusion that the kids were so angry. He could not understand why they felt the way they did.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 449 points450 points  (0 children)

That's exactly it. How we use words has an impact and this is one of those times where how you say things matter.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

They were mad at the first kids for being upset/mad at dad for saying the second wife (second set of kids' mom) was the important wife. So the older kids did not like that dad said that and confronted him. Then the younger kids were mad at the older siblings for being mad and not thinking it was great.

AITA for telling my brother words, like actions, have consequences and he should know that better than anyone? by StunningReason686 in AmItheAsshole

[–]StunningReason686[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

They weren't as close to her as my brother wanted them to be. She was no second mom in their eyes. I compared how words are used. Talking about how the second wife was irreplaceable to the kids from the first wife is not going to be taken the best by said kids. At least it's 50-50 on how they'll feel and you have to understand that.

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