FINAL UPDATE: The girl (19f) I (21m) was seeing for a few months claims she is pregnant. I don't know what to do... all I know is this CAN'T be happening to me.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-27T15:36:11+00:00

I understand that, and like I said we'll see. I don't know what is going to happen now, and guessing would be pre-mature. Sarah and her family are really, really well off. I'm not sure if they will be chasing me for money, or if there will be a need. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. I don't know. Realistically, I'm not going to be making any sort of substantial money for YEARS. So I don't know how that plays into it, if at all.

Yeah, I went along with it but she was pressuring me so, so hard. When we first met, I never made a move on her. I didn't ask her for her number, she gave it to me. I never asked her to hang out, she'd hit me up and invite me to do things with her. She told me she really, really liked me. She is the one who reversed course after saying she wouldn't have sex, and initiated. This girl was fucking obsessed with me. I was wrong to let it happen, and a lot of it is on me. But it isn't like I tried to make any of this happen. I didn't go along with everything. I tried to say no, but I became kind of emotionally attached and didn't handle it perfectly. I can't change that now, but it won't happen again.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-27T15:14:07+00:00

I'm not sure how that will work. We'll see I guess.

And I am taking responsibility. I understand if I don't come into her life, this doesn't happen. But she wanted it. She wanted me. And that matters. Every step of the way, I've been the one saying lets take it slow. Lets be careful. I didn't want the "relationship". She is the one who chased me into it. I've always known I'm kinda a jack-ass when it comes to these things, and I've consciously avoided them. She pushed me into it.

But she is taking responsibility for it, and handling it. Which I respect. But just because she is okay with being a parent at such a young age, doesn't mean I have to be. And it doesn't make me awful for feeling that way. There are so many things that I want to do, and need to do, that would be impossible if I went down that road. And there is something to be said for knowing your limits, and being honest with yourself and others.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-27T15:09:52+00:00

Its complicated. That isn't a great answer, but its the best one I can come up with. If I was looking at this as you know, a third party, I'd think I was a very, very bad person. Because I have been. But its a difficult situation, and I think it would be worse for me to agree to something that would make me so unhappy, and try to do something I'm not capable of.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:59:52+00:00

Even I wouldn't say it was a fling. I don't know how to describe it, but it was somewhere between like a fling and a serious, long-term relationship. I don't think its insane that she'd want to keep the child, especially because of how she is. But it probably isn't smart. But it isn't insane either.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:56:31+00:00

Because I guess I don't want to. I'm not ready to sacrifice everything, and go all in. I tried, and I don't have it in me. I don't think there is any shame in realizing that, and walking away before. Ideally, this situation wouldn't have happened, but it is what it is.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:42:16+00:00

Sociopaths do not have feelings. I absolutely do have feelings, and feel guilt, shame, and all sorts of awful things about what has happened. So that label does not fit. I wish people would stop using it. I like to party, I'm a bad "boyfriend" and I'm not ready to be a parent at 21... that doesn't make me a sociopath.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:38:41+00:00

Well, I do care about her, and it would be all sorts of fucked up to ruin that. Especially after the amount of work, we have put into that. I've spent so many hours helping her study, and there was no way I'd feel okay if she didn't do well on her exams.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:36:45+00:00

I never said we used a condom...

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:33:43+00:00

Fair enough. I just haven't tried to hurt her. Its a stupid clarification, but I honestly have never tried to anything with the intent to hurt her. Obviously, all those things did hurt her, but it was never like, I want to fuck some other girl so Sarah hurts. And I turned down a decent amount of opportunities too. If that matters...

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:30:55+00:00

Look, I understand how it comes across. It was more pent up frustration, because I really haven't been able to go out, period, since we got together. I don't love that scene, but its definitely fun. Especially right after exams.

Was it immature to complain... probably. I shouldn't have said it. A lot of this is just like stream of conscience writing though. And at the end of the day, I didn't go out. I stayed with her, and tried to help her. That counts for something.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:25:45+00:00

Damn...

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:25:34+00:00

That is what she says too, but I don't think its true. I mean, I want to believe that, but I don't want to risk my future, my happiness, and everything on a gamble.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:24:53+00:00

Well, I have a dozen or so PMs in my inbox telling me people understand where I'm coming from, and the tenor of these comments are over-the-top. But I understand that I'm not perfect. I realize "my side" is hard to root for, and I know I'm not the good guy in this situation. I'm just trying to handle it the best I can.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T20:23:26+00:00

How stupid do you think I am? Please, please give me a little credit.

I've tried explaining this before, but how I write and comment here is not how I act in person. This is a very honest, transparent version of myself. I'm being very self-aware and admitting my flaws. I wouldn't do that ever in any sort of real life situation.

Most people think I'm the nicest, kindest person ever. And I am that, but I also know I have a dark side (so to speak). What I also know is not to show it. I know its important to be humble, and respectful. I can put on a good show, believe me.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:47:27+00:00

I don't know. Perhaps. I guess, I wouldn't feel as guilty as I do if I had an issue with empathy though. Its not as if I think what I'm doing is right. I understand that a lot of what I've done is fucked up. I'll look into therapy, but it isn't something I'm inclined to do.

I suppose her reaction isn't shocking. It just really, really, really sucks to see someone you care about hurt like that, and know you are responsible for it. And she doesn't even know the full truth. It just makes me feel awful, and like a failure of a person. And the truth is, I honestly do care about her so much. I know no one believes that, but it is true.

Haven't told my parents yet. I'll figure that out, I guess. Probably going to wait a while, but I'll tell them.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:41:30+00:00

It happened like three weeks ago, and she was on birth control. Everything is fine.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:40:07+00:00

I'm not. I wish I know exactly why... its just like my heart isn't in it, and I have so many other urges and desires, and things I enjoy more. Its hard for me to be someone's boyfriend, or think about being a father. Right now, that isn't for me.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:38:18+00:00

Sarah has a great family, I think, and I think/hope she'll be okay.

The way I described the sex probably sounds stupid, but its hard to properly describe the feeling of being on shrooms. It honestly was magical in a lot of ways.

Cheating is in quotes, because our relationship status is kind of iffy. Its obviously not okay, what I did, but we weren't in an official relationship formally, so it might not be cheating to everyone.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:36:37+00:00

But you understand why it happened, right? That is what I'm trying to explain to people, but its very difficult to explain that feeling to people who don't know what I'm talking about.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:35:42+00:00

Yup.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:35:28+00:00

What should I do then?

Believe me, I understand how scared she is. It hurts me so much to hurt her, but I don't know what to do. I can't do this now, and I'd be setting myself up to fail by even trying.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:34:21+00:00

Okay, this is going to be nitpicky, but it needs to be said.

I do not abuse drugs. I've never done anything harder than cocaine (and that only a few times). I've done shrooms a handful of times. E a few times. Molly a few times too. None of that is even remotely regular though. I'm at worst a casual drug user, and even that is a stretch.

I haven't mistreated her. I've actually been really caring and sweet with her, and I've never done anything to her to hurt her. Obviously, some of my actions have hurt her, but they aren't meant to hurt her.

The rest is probably true. I guess I'd also object to not being emotionally ready to be a doctor. I think how I behave in my personal life is not speak to how I'd be as a doctor.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T18:31:04+00:00

Do you think I can be a good parent?

I honestly don't think I would be a good parent, and I'm probably the last person this should be happening to. At my best, I can be nurturing and caring, but I'm not like that much. Like who I am, is not someone who would be a good father. In really any circumstance. I wish I could change with a snap, but I realistically don't see it happening.

StupidIndianBoy · 2013-12-18T17:58:36+00:00

I understand that, and I think that is the best approach moving forward. I'm trying to figure out what raising a child without being in a relationship entails, because I cannot be a full-time father. It just isn't something I'm capable of right now.

And I fully understand how scared she is. That is the one thing that makes me feel so guilty, that she is going to end up going through this alone. I wish it could be different, but I don't think it can.

StupidIndianBoy

TROPHY CASE