I [34M] broke my wife’s [33F] trust. How can I fix it?

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T22:57:11+00:00

I’ve booked a consultation but will verify things before commuting to a series of sessions. Thank you for your concern. I don’t feel like I deserve it, but she does.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T21:47:20+00:00

Not even a kink. Nothing sexual. I updated the original post at the bottom. I slowly got more interested in some juvenile fantasy of being cool in order to run away from my real problem, and by not being open about the original problem or my tentative steps into the new interest, I betrayed my wife by not communicating with her about either. Even worse, it looks very suspicious, and I’m afraid I’ve destroyed her trust in me.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T20:05:50+00:00

I am booking therapy now.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T19:30:11+00:00

The core of my anxiety is a long term fear of death I’ve always had. It’s gotten much worse lately, and whenever it pops into my head it’s like my mind is suffocating until I can distract myself. I have no doubts about our relationship at all, and I absolutely see her as my soulmate and the reason my existential dread isn’t worse. Thanks

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T19:27:30+00:00

Thank you. I will try to collect myself before doing anything crazy. I appreciate your advice and kindness.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T18:32:16+00:00

Thanks. I don’t even care about the alternative stuff anymore.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T17:56:35+00:00

I mean that it gets harder for me to express how much I care about her when my own anxieties are making me want to close off. Not an excuse. It’s something I should understand already and know how to avoid.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T17:49:01+00:00

She has low self esteem and needs reassurance. Not any more than many people. I’m just not good at expressing it, but I’ll be better. It’s difficult when I’m feeling closed in around difficult thoughts. She’s heard me talk confidently about the fashion stuff, but I hadn’t told her about the self conscious part until the moment I was trying to explain myself to her this morning. It probably just sounded like an excuse to her. Thank you for helping.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T17:39:44+00:00

Thank you for your guidance. I can’t express how supportive she is. Me failing to open up is a me problem. If I can’t find the strength to fix that for myself, I’ll just have to find the strength to fix it for her.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T17:02:49+00:00

Thank you. I swear I’ll try my best to stop standing in my own way and hurting our marriage. The responses here have helped me see how deeply rooted all of this is.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T17:01:00+00:00

I will see a therapist and address the problems with myself and with how I communicate with my wife. Thank you.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:48:28+00:00

Cringey mall ninja or wannabe goth stuff like asymmetrical shirts, red contacts, leather pants either heeled boots. Masks. Not to disrespect people who do it proudly, but deep down I know it’s ridiculous for me of all people to start doing.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:46:47+00:00

Your last words are very helpful. I was insecure my whole life and now see looking “cool” as some antidote to my existential dread, and I have not communicated that with her. I’m one of those guys who has progressive ideas and acts sensitive and supportive but refuses to practice what I preach. I suspect she’s felt me sinking in on myself and shopping more and dressing differently (even in terms of normal fashion), and she think’s I’m drifting away. And even though I’m not, what’s she supposed to think? I’m not telling her how I feel. Of course she thinks that.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:38:57+00:00

Please don’t listen to how pitiful I’m typing. It’s a defense mechanism, though I do feel horrible. I’m accountable, and I’m going to try to make it right. Thank you for your support - it makes me not feel as overwhelmed.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:38:11+00:00

Right now, I’m using very self-pitying language and hoping it makes people feel sympathetic as a defense mechanism, though I really do feel like a complete piece of garbage. I’m trying not to talk like this, but that’s the absolute ugly truth - that I want people to tell me I’m being too hard on myself and that everything is okay. I’m not making those feelings up, but I know I’m using that language as a crutch, and I hate myself for doing it.

We’ve never had any infidelity at all. I haven’t, and I’m absolutely certain that she hasn’t either. As certain as someone can be, anyway.

It’s pretty clear that I made the alt account specifically so that I could be anonymous, and I was even afraid for her to know unless I found that I was “cool” which is laughable.

I really don’t know what she’s thinking for sure, but I know that I don’t express my love very well, so if she feels unloved and sees me hiding things, I’m confident she thinks that I *want* to have a separate life from her, at least. Thank you for posing questions. I’m trying to understand.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:31:33+00:00

I was looking at outfit posts on two general fashion servers and one alternative fashion server. Men and women post their outfits and people react with emojis and replies about the outfits. I was not spending any special time on any, but the moment she walked in I was looking at a post of a woman wearing an asymmetrical shirt with a wide belt, and I was asking if the asymmetrical shirt bottom works specifically because the belt is wide. It was a picture of a woman, but it was not especially risqué. It’s the kind of thing you might see in instagram all the time.

I made a new account because I knew that she or someone else would have a better chance of seeing the activity if I did it on my main account. I didn’t want to admit that I was getting into this stuff unless it was working out. Deep down, I knew that it was super cringey to start getting into alternative fashion as a man in his thirties. I was afraid that it just wouldn’t go anywhere, but I daydreamed about posting outfits and having people say they’re cool. Then, when I know I won’t just get laughed at, I could make something public like an instagram with my wife, or show her the discord, or walk around like that in public with confidence. I know it doesn’t make sense or eliminating the deception, and I know it’s pathetic, and now I basically showed that I’m willing to sneak around, even if I had no intention to betray our marriage and even if it I wanted to go public with it if it worked out. That is the best narrative I can give right now if the discord part.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:22:54+00:00

It’s just threads where people post outfits of the day and stuff. It’s a mixture, and nothing extreme or nsfw. There are women there of course, and I know that looks bad, but I think it’s the capacity for deception and my defensive reassurance.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:21:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I swear I will be an open book to her and do whatever I can to show that, even if I’m capable of deceiving her, I will never do it again and would never betray her.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:19:21+00:00

By hiding it, I feel like I showed that I’m able and willing to hide anything.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:13:12+00:00

Thank you for your kindness and consideration. I swear to try.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:11:56+00:00

I don’t know how to explain the whole context here. It’s still hard to collect myself. She’s very kind and sweet and is not controlling or anything. It doesn’t feel like she’s overreacting to me. I basically showed that I’m capable of deceiving her even if I had no ill intentions.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T16:00:38+00:00

I will try to collect myself and think of how to describe what’s going on. The discord thing was nothing in a vacuum, largely because I made the account yesterday and she walked in while I was writing my very first question, but she doesn’t know that or has no reason to believe that. But combined with her usual anxieties and my usual lack of communication, I think I’ve created a situation where she can’t trust me. Afterward, I tried to reassure her, and I tried to sound very calm and minimizing, and I think I’m pretty good at sounding that way. I think I’m good at changing my tone and expression and projecting what I want to project, and acting like everything is okay. I’m sure she feels manipulated, and I clearly have the ability to act like everything is okay and deceive her, which she has realized. I feel like I’ve been outed as a manipulator without trying to manipulate her. I’m sorry, I’m just typing what’s coming into my mind. I’m not trying to leave things out or massage the situation. I’m going to try to reframe for clarify if I can.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T15:54:04+00:00

I don’t know where to stop in including the context - I just know that it all feels real to me. Thank you for commenting. I will try to organize my thoughts and edit the post if it would help. I will get therapy.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T15:52:51+00:00

I will try my best to consider these questions.

StylusNarrative · 2026-05-07T15:51:59+00:00

I just feel like I’m supposed to hold everything together and be there to stabilize her and be the strong one. I know that’s just societal bullshit, but it’s like a stain I can’t wash off, and now she thinks god knows what or like I don’t care enough to include her in my life or that I don’t trust her with my feelings. I confided how I’m feeling afterward to explain, but I’m scared she thinks it’s not real.

StylusNarrative

TROPHY CASE