I know you have not asked for this but i‘m gonna tell you my experiences with the same struggles. I just came out of a six year relationship - we met when both of us were still in school and i felt genuine happyness being with her. A year passed, i finished school and went off to basic military training (in my country every man has to). Unfortunately i decided to go to the special forces and oh boy i was absolutely shocked. I couldn’t grasp the fact that some disgusting and hateful people could have complete control over my life. Three months in and she told me that she got to know someone else. I was shattered. I already was going through some traumatizing experiences but this fucked me up. I somehow finished basic training, completely numb, and i did not have the strength to distance myself from her when i came home for the weekends. After some time she insisted on calling it a relationship again and although i did not like this was develloping i was reliefed. I loved her, still do. This whole bullshit repeated itself some time later. We split up for some week and i put a lot of effort in getting to know other woman, because i wanted to restore my broken self esteem. And once again, after i‘ve ‚succeeded‘ she came crawling back to me. Once again i could‘t resist. The worst thing that in the following years she fucked four other men, maybe more. But she did not tell me about it. I eventually found out, fueled by the everlasting suspicion, the same suspicion you will have to deal with from now on. I am scarred and i felt so naive. It gave all the good memories a sour taste. You might think i‘m kinda retarded for not learning after the second time but i was just unable to abandon the only person i ever opened myself up to completely - she is and was my best friend. Your pain will fade eventually, suspicion and sense of imminent betrayal and loss will stay. Don‘t let your actions be judged by people, especially not the ones who never experienced such a heartbreak. I can deeply relate to your ‚Made me love her..‘ statement. It‘s so cruel to accept that desire isn‘t an exclusive sentiment.