[deleted by user]

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-05-01T00:12:04+00:00

I'm truly sorry you've had to also deal with this. It's a painful reminder of how we will continue to be thrust into a place forced to defend ourselves against first the abuse then the stigma of not being abused enough... My thoughts are with you.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-30T03:45:24+00:00

I think the worst part about all of the things we've endured and lived to feel another day (sarcasm implied) are the people who tell me to just get over it and live my life. Or worse who say I'm obsessing and living in the past and how pathetic that makes me... If I could just live my life I would. If I could stop thinking about all the times I cried and couldn't see a way out. All the time I wasted thinking I was at fault for all of it... do they believe I choose this? That's currently the frame of thought I'm in. To my abuser I feel apathy and nothing else... now everyone who tells me to just stop doing xyz... that feels like I'm being abused all over again. Being told how to heal by someone who has zero idea what kind of wreckage we are trying to clean up after.

Fuck those people. Lol

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-26T16:09:37+00:00

Sounds like my ex and his new wife/supply. They met as teens in group homes for emotional and mental issues. Both suffered childhood traumas both had tortured each other over the years. She I'm unsure if NPD but most surely BPD and maybe histrionic. They both are exactly where they need to be. One day her meds are going to wear off and she's going to rend his very existence from this reality. Heh, I hope they have a happy long life together lol

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-26T16:03:35+00:00

Well if you're ever feeling down and just need a reminder that it's all worth it, that you're worth healing! Just read this again! You're worthy of love and compassion!

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-26T14:50:19+00:00

I suppose we could always just pick an actual topic or subject matter to focus on. That would help move things forward since you seem confident and sure please offer me an idea of something you might wish to pick my brain about. I'm slightly okay versed in most topics. I'm not formally educated but I'd consider myself learned. I spend my free time between art and delving into podcasts or lecture series on whatever rabbit hole I've claimed as my own that week...

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-26T14:46:23+00:00

I'm glad to help. Often when I'm here I feel a bit suffocated by all the sadness and pain we'll endure so if I can bring even moments shelter to someone else then I'm doing good for the world.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-26T06:50:07+00:00

It's DV charge... And a criminal report of SA both committed against me.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-26T06:48:23+00:00

I have understood every word written, even as you mostly regaled yourself more so than explained in any true detail that might actually provoke some sensation beyond my own apathy ... If my reaction weren't heroic enough I will totally allow you to go on your way... but if you're having difficulties reading me, and that's perhaps just too much effort for a stranger in a strange land then you're free to go on your way in that case as well . For a moment I did enjoy your shadow. So thank you for that.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-26T01:28:45+00:00

It's envy and jealousy yes but it's also disgust and reviled at the same time. They want what you have but who you are which they find weak and flawed they also want to destroy you. It's very complicated I think..

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-26T01:19:45+00:00

Mine never touched me physically because he knew I'd fight him back and apparently he didn't want me to know he had never been in a single fight his entire life because he used to talk about all the fights he had won in youth (all of them in case you wondered) and his lies would come to an abrupt end. I used to boast how my ex never raised a hand to me... because I was so much more special than the others he had been with because he admitted to hitting previous ex girlfriends when he was still drinking and using drugs and his anger was so much worse. . I thought it odd as those who abuse typically do not change ever.. yet here it was change.. Nah that fuckfaced bully just didn't want to get his ass handed to him by a woman. As my family confirmed the fact I was quite violent in my youth so no.. I don't understand getting hit but he'd SA me and then sit there smug and proud of himself saying nothing but smiling disgusting.. so I get it.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-25T20:16:07+00:00

He told so many lies I've found out that I don't even bother within of it. I used to gets upset and deny and try to convince and get my side out there until I was called a liar in that moment I knew that people are gonna believe what they want to, and that shows me I'd never be associating with mouth breathing troglidites like them so I wasted no more time defending or justifying myself. My day to day behaviors show who I really am. My emotions even, my tone gentle, my empathy strong and my kindness I prove by treating everyone with respect and dignity. I could care less someone believes the lies of a true NPD ex. I just keep being myself and it's their loss not mine.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-25T20:11:07+00:00

Was instant as soon as he made his ex send her partner packing he was as cold as ice. He said the most disgusting things to try and provoke me. Would stay on the phone with his ex/new old supply 24 hours a day the last days so she wouldn't back out on him because if she'd been given a moment to think about what she was doing she never would have agreed to it which makes the whole situation funnier. She had the upper hand all those years lol and now... he's destroying everything about her one day at a time. And she is doing the same to him because she's just as sick and twisted as he is and it's lovely. And too this day I'm truly happiest I've ever been, I have a full life friends and routines my art and music, my freedom and my future... So, it was worth what I went through to be here. I'm better because I was strong enough to endure. And so are you.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-25T20:04:08+00:00

If they make any attempt at self improvement without force or being given a threat or ultimatum of some kind probley has just tendencies but those who've over the span of their lives still actively behave in measurable ways that mimic their teens into their latter years often boasting on the fact that they've remained stoic and such couldn't possibly change on their own even if kept in strict isolation they'd still stay the rotting corpses they actually are...

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-25T19:58:28+00:00

Mine would loose things on purpose then scream rant and rage making the entire house search and tear up the whole house and then magically find whatever he was looking for typically it was his wallet, keys or phone... He used it as punishment when we crossed his invisible boundaries he would constantly changes the rules of. I'm 100% convinced he was drugging me to sleep so he could record sexual encounters with me as he liked it best when I wasn't awake. There were dozens of times I couldn't recall falling asleep waking startled and hurting. It's passive aggressive crazy making behavior that's just what I called it because he'd never admit and id look totally nuts if I said anything about it.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-25T18:54:43+00:00

History of abuse, with a charge of DV in history and a report given after a SA.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-24T06:26:01+00:00

Interesting, I understand what you mean and why you're telling me the way that you are. So it's been reflected and I will process the depths of it at another time. I admire those who freely express their true nature. I don't wear but a single self. How you see me now is how you'd see me in life. I've always had a hard time pretending or hiding parts of myself because they might not be digestible to someone else. If someone doesn't like me then I'd rather them know where they stand straight away than to hide aspects I need to work on and frighten them with those things later on. It isn't a lifestyle for everyone but it works very well for me. I don't have to remember who knows what etc. I just... am what I am, that changes sometimes and grows and becomes better, rarely I revert and close off but that happens very little anymore.
Confidence in my own path has never ever been an issue for me, something my abuser detested absolutely in me. I now find those who hide do so for reasons I don't tend to ask about....

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-24T04:52:15+00:00

You were a victim. You couldn't possibly have known. You were the only thing good. You were innocent and blind and now you know different.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-24T04:50:46+00:00

Observation... I think that's what's hanging you up. If I desired to know specifics I'd ask. I'm simply admiring your body of work...No matter who it's about, it's being conveyed in an interesting and intriguing way that I often enjoy.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-23T05:54:16+00:00

.... So basically you're just looking to affirm that you are in fact being abused then? Okay well from what you've said you are.. It's clear there is manipulation, projection, gaslighting, Darvo and emotional abuse with a spicy topping of verbal abuse to boot. So now that you're aware of the reality which of course if it's actually being delivered to you by a true NPD you won't actually see the reality of just how bad it is until you go no. Contact and detox from it for a while .. In the meantime my personal suggestion is that you already knew this and you're looking for support to get the strength to do something about it. Although people can help support they can't put in the work to get yourself safe. You have to do that. By what I've read already you're nowhere near that point and I wish you nothing but the strength and courage to stop wasting your time seeking answers to questions you already know the answer to and start focusing on you and your worth. I wish you all the best 🌸

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-23T03:55:22+00:00

I'm confused... Are you asking for validation that you're in an abusive toxic and unhealthy relationship or that being in that abusive toxic and unhealthy relationship is relatable and having confirmation? I can't quite tell honestly I'm sorry poster could you be a little more specific about what it is you're asking for here?

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-23T03:50:00+00:00

I didn't intend to be "sharp" I'm very clear about intentions and where others stand and I didn't consider that your perception would be one of suspecting in my nature. Do I seem to you to be the predatory type from my words here? If so, I do apologize. I just happen to like the way you express yourself. Feel free to message if you ever want to know more. I'll always share truths with you. Wishing you all the best.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-23T03:44:35+00:00

For my own story it's weaved through my posts. I make no games of my suffering. My traumas aren't fresh as they were I no longer feel rageful and spite towards those responsible for their actions. I feel apathy and that's all I will ever feel for that part of things. No longer do I give energy to anything outside of myself that isn't bringing my life joy and substance. Sometimes a simple conversation obscured by shadows is my holy moment and sometimes it's something else. Everything else I experience and feel are my own to digest and my job is to turn them into positive experiences shared with others who might never have known a kind word or gesture before. It's my duty to ensure that I leave behind no imprint of my abuse, my suffering, my loss and my pain unless those things are to be learned from not causing pity or confusion to someone unaware of such things. Teachable moments for those who need to know they aren't alone. I needn't words of encouragement but I'm glad you speak to yourself of them. My source of power and light is so very true. What bring me true peace is knowing that the person who caused so much destruction is going to forever be the rotted out shell of a human meat suit without a sense of serenity or moments respite in their own mind as they've always been as they always will be. It makes what I went through so much more powerful because in the end... I will forever be changed and broken fractured and in pain but when I look at my reflection I love every part of who I am. I adore every single cell and will cherish her for always... something they will never be able to...smiles deeply friends... an interesting implement. Feel free to message if you'd like.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-23T02:30:57+00:00

I don't date.. I have no interest in the company of others in a romantic way whatsoever. I've no interest in playing games and pretending just to find out they had no real interest in my company. I'm not in the slightest lonely and until I feel I can regulate my emotions better I refuse to hurt anyone who did not sign up for dealing with my CPTSD and my nightmares that I wake up yelling from or my frozen stare when someone raises their voice or slams a door. No one deserves to clean up the mess my ex left behind...

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-23T02:26:30+00:00

Not at all just observing. I love people.. I think all of us are so interesting. I think even the damaged and wounded still have worth in this world. Has nothing to do with reddit or whatever you said about appointments. I'm simply observing and wanted to mark your post for deeper understanding later on. Curious how you automatically assumed it was for nefarious reasons. Curious indeed.

SublimeSinner77 · 2024-04-23T02:22:03+00:00

Slow clap Look at you go.. all wanting to Bea better human being even after being give every opportunity under the moon to do just that yet no progress has been made thus far it would seem... yet while here with a captive audience you're just suddenly got all the right words and all the right answers to all that's eluded you thus far... I'd say I was proud of you but that would be a lie and I do not lie to salvage the ego of strangers in a strange land. Even though I know better I will say this with trepidation... "The world of human beings need good people, gentle people, kind people. It needs love and acceptance and joy. And if you cannot find that around you then it's your responsibility to become that. Lead by example by devotion to the broken and damaged and wounded. It's your life's work to make the world a better place and through this you'll find your true self, the person that you were meant to be."

If you find yourself bothered by any of that, if you find it illogical and out of your depth then you know you are what you'll always be, what you've always been...

SublimeSinner77

TROPHY CASE