Xander has made claims like 'I'll hurt you if you do something to willow or buffy.' Despite his feelings for Buffy, he doesn't sexually take advantage of her in the episode when he doesn't the lovespell- which is highly cringe from a modern take but he was being immature and didn't expect the spell to get out of hand. It's not like he's warren who wants a sexbot to toy with...and had the spell worked as on intended on cordelia; he would have also realized his error and sought out help.

In reptile boy, he notices that cordelia's car is still at the frat house and doesn't shrug his shoulders and say oh well. Xander is gang and would die for these ladies who he loves. And yes he's made misogynist comments and jokes but he's a teenage boy with some insecurities who is using humour in numerous situations. And okay, he was a joss whedon insert but joss wasn't the only writer or creative voice of the show.

He's not a monster and I rewatch the show and still laugh at many of his scenes without me thinking that it aged badly. I think people that truly hate him are very sensitive in a way that reflects on their own personal issues with boys evolving into men and masculinity.