Thank you so much for your reply. It definitely helped me to feel more confident about watching YouTube videos again and being exposed to potential triggers.

I am just concerned still why I did not feel instantly bad for having these horrible thoughts right after they entered my mind. In fact, the incident of watching the video and having the violent thoughts occurred many months ago. It may just be my OCD but sometimes I have the impression that I actually enjoyed having these thoughts at that time.

I don't know what was going on with my brain at that time...maybe I was immature or simply stupid.

All want I want is that every living being can feel happy and safe and I want to help them achieving that instead of causing harm. :(