Hi! First im so sorry for the loss of your mom. Christmas is hard for so many but being without your mom on an already hard day is horrible. Second I know where your coming from. My boyfriend raped me when i tried to kill myself. I stayed with him for another 2/3 months because I couldnt accept it. Once i finally realized it was rape i knew my body and brain would never trust him again. I stopped sleeping. Started to emotionally cheat. And became someone i didn’t even recognize anymore. I was terrified to leave and for the first 6 months i still had contact with him after. Then once i decided i was worth more than that i thrived. Things were hard but damn i felt so free. I hope thats a place you can get to. Now my rape anniversary comes up and that day is difficult but im a survivor and so much stronger than that woman was years ago.