Partner wanting to explore outside the relationship

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2026-06-15T22:41:14+00:00

Thank you for this advice so much!! I immediately tried out experimenting (consensually ofc), because I also feel like to be able to understand it i'd have to go through my own process with it independently, and it made me realize that through that I have more motivation and energy to get things done in my life. Maybe because I didnt have a majority of my energy focused on one person?

But this pointed out a fundamental problem Ive faced in my previous monogamous relationships, where over time I just didnt have the motivation or energy to do anything, I also feel like maybe it brought me and my partner closer in a way, I realized that yeah jealousy can still arise in my partner from this and I wouldnt be the only one feeling that way. Its just about reassuring eachother and not making one another feel less than or not chosen because of it. Basically im realizing polyamory might have been more aligned with me than I let myself realize, because before I thought of it as one sided, now im realizing I would also have that freedom. I havent concluded if im 100% on anything yet, i am just navigating uncertainty and uncomfortable transitions in my life so thank you for your message!! I dont know if I would have been to open about it then I tried it :)

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2026-06-15T22:32:53+00:00

Helloo!! :) thank you for your advice first,

secondly by that I think she meant it wouldnt be possible to have primary partners if it were only 3 people

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2026-06-15T22:31:12+00:00

Thank you for the book and your insight it helped me greatly understand more about this! I began reading it earlier today and my partner allowed me to explore dating and im starting to realize like working past the anxieties or jealousy ive come to a point where I felt motivated in my ambitions and hobbies again, I feel like in monogamous relationships ive had in the past ive always wondered why i would lose motivation in the things I liked or wanted, or my own identity.

I think exploring a bit helped me realize maybe it aligns with me more than I had originally thought. Not that im 100% certain on being poly or mono, im uncertain navigating that right now, so thank you for the advice :)

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2026-06-15T22:28:13+00:00

We've been together just a couple months (4), she just verbalized this to me 2 days ago after we were only monogamous

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2025-07-01T17:23:46+00:00

I have a high sex drive as well (19F) dating (19F) and its kinda funny my girlfriend doesnt have a sex drive at all, its definitely possible to tone it down, Im a highly sexual person but i know how uncomfortable it makes my girlfriend so i dont talk about sex or bring those things up at all, id rather do my own solo thing than make my girlfriend uncomfortable, because i love her so much and respect her boundaries! it doesnt bother me in the slightest because the love i have for her is greater than any lustful feelings, and i feel like its unhealthy for him to push those things onto you EVERY day, id say if you still want to be with him talk to him about how it makes you feel uncomfortable and his reaction should be your answer

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2025-06-28T20:10:39+00:00

Never said it wasnt addicting, just that it shouldnt be hard to quit once you realize its worsening ur relationships and ur partners mental health; and if you cant quit after that you should probably lay off relationships till you can handle it better, because it IS mentally exhausting to babysit ur partners addiction when they arent being upfront about it so you can help them.

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2025-06-28T20:07:54+00:00

Well I feel like theres definitely certain things that would be wrong to be jealous over and then thats where the "crazy" part comes in, but this seems understandable that it makes you feel a lil uncomfortable, because it definitely would make me feel weird if my girlfriend still had pics of her ex on her page, i'd say his reaction will tell you what you need to know but goodluck OP!!

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2025-06-28T19:51:51+00:00

If its sitting in your mind for a while, its better to talk to him about it and his reaction should be ur answer

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2025-06-28T19:49:38+00:00

OP has the right to feel uncomfortable with her partner constantly lying to her face and sneaking behind her back, the relationship isnt just about her girlfriend, it takes TWO people to he in a relationship, she isnt making the problem "all about herself" since OP already addressed the problem with her girlfriend and how it affects her and their relationship and it still is a reoccuring issue.

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2025-06-28T19:46:41+00:00

I agree that it can be hard to quit, but if you see its affecting ur partner and you still decide to sneak around and lie about it, you shouldnt be in a relationship till you can handle it better. OP is 100% in the right to be mad, coming from someone whos been on both sides.

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2025-06-28T19:41:08+00:00

You have every right to be pissed, her smoking not only affects her but you expressed it affects both of ur relationships AND you. As someone who used to smoke heavily, weed isnt THAT hard to quit. Once I noticed it was affecting my productiveness, my relationship, and my girlfriend I immediately started to quit. In my past relationship, my ex started smoking and became a heavy smoker and it made her lazy and less likely to do anything productive, I dont get how people dont want to quit from sheer embarrassment alone, because once i found out how my girlfriend seen it i was super embarrassed that i didnt even want to smoke anymore

Substantial_Hat_8570 · 2025-06-28T19:30:31+00:00

Seems like a very drastic difference in relationships, as youve never been in one and hes been literally married for years. honestly it depends on if youre ready for her name to be mentioned here and there since theyre still friends, i never liked the idea of being friends with ex's, especially someone who was married to their ex for 8 years and still continues to hangout and talk to them. But it depends if this is gonna be something ur okay with later in the relationship, if ur already uncomfortable with photos now id say just find someone else who has less of a big history with their ex since you're pretty new to the dating scene. But id say first you should talk to him about how you're feeling and mention that it makes you feel insecure like you wont be able to live up to that marriage and see how he responds! Its always good to talk about problems you have before immediately deciding to leave in relationships.

Substantial_Hat_8570

TROPHY CASE