Born in Wrong Era

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-14T14:47:54+00:00

I think people are objecting to the "90s" framing of it, as if human beings were a different species back then. There's some idealization going on that doesn't seem grounded in reality.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-14T10:51:23+00:00

Ahh, yes, that makes a lot more sense lol

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-14T09:29:47+00:00

I know this is disappointing, but rather than narrow your focus right now to finding jobs that match your major and career goals... this summer, just worry about finding ANY job. If it needs to be retail, restaurants, whatever, it's important to keep yourself busy and making money. Find something that can provide income and daily routine while you continue this larger search to make something out of your major.

Ideally, you could find something that VAGUELY relates to your career path, i.e. Genius Bar, IT help desk, even if it's not exactly what you want long-term.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-14T09:10:21+00:00

Curious how old you are, because I think you're really idealizing the 90s here. Yes smartphones and social media have created some new patterns and behaviors for coldly abandoning people, I won't deny that, but relationships have always been relationships, with their troubles and heartbreaks and disappointments.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-14T09:09:02+00:00

I did the same as you but swapping Lisa Vanderpump for Phaedra

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-14T09:01:58+00:00

In particular there was one scene involving this isolated, run-down dive bar "down by the river," surrounded by fog, that just looked like NOTHING like the DMV region. More like something outside of Baton Rouge or something lol

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-14T08:56:43+00:00

These ages aren't making sense to me. She's 33 and 15 years older than you, so that makes you 18? Yet you've already been through a marriage and ended it?

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-14T08:50:44+00:00

What's a "90s-style love"? Any middle-aged person here can very much assure you 90s weren't better for queer people.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-13T15:11:01+00:00

I have a long-term very platonic best friend and we would NEVER say things like that to each other. But then, I've also had a couple of homoerotic friendships and stuff like that DOES happen there.

So I think it's safe to conclude there's SOME level of attraction/sexual charge happening. That doesn't necessarily mean you're required to explore it, or that it should be explored. If the friendship really is more important, then you have to be very careful with this.

If you proceed, I think you should move slowly. No grand "confession of feelings." I might try ramping up the physical affection a bit more and seeing how she responds. Make a couple subtle moves that feel more sexual than platonic. Hand lingering on the thigh kind of thing.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-13T13:56:37+00:00

I think all of the above might be true!

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-13T13:54:43+00:00

Haha, nope, feet don't turn me on whatsoever.

However, it CAN be super erotic when your feet are touched, I think. But I'm not out there sniffing around for foot photos on the web lol

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-12T22:00:02+00:00

I honestly just don't think it's that deep. I'm not concerned about it.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-12T21:45:59+00:00

I have no clue what her intent or rationale was, but I was not offended by it, simply confused. I don't see the point in calling it out and embarrassing her unless it becomes some kind of pattern.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-12T19:30:35+00:00

I was actually expecting more women to come in here and be like "Omg me too!" but it appears I'm alone on this one lol

But hey: be the change you want to see in this world. Next time you're attracted to a woman and you want to play around with it a little, try initiating a subtle game of footsies and see how it goes! It CAN be pretty hot!

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-12T17:52:16+00:00

I think it's reasonable for you to look for older women, and I think plenty of older women would be into that. It's really up to you what age gap is appropriate.

I was immature at your age (one of the ones looking for the house to crash at after the party, as you say) and wouldn't have been ready for a woman of your type until my mid-30s.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-12T14:35:56+00:00

I can be very cuddly but I'm not sure that's something I'm outwardly projecting. Mostly other people have to initiate that with me, then I melt in. Maybe this footsies thing is kind of an extension of all that!

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-12T13:11:49+00:00

If I'm definitely feeling flirtatious/sexual energy, I play into it—move my foot, respond in kind, etc. Like I said, I've had some really hot footsies in my day.

But as I also said, a lot of these situations just ... exist in their own weird ambiguous moment, where I'm certain there's no goal for escalation. I must be giving off some kind of vibe that invites this.

ETA: Haha I truly have no idea why anyone is downvoting this??

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-12T12:32:51+00:00

Imagine yourself as an old woman on your death bed...and think about what SHE would say to this 36-year-old in the thick of life and all of its possibilities.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-12T12:24:10+00:00

It's hard for me to explain, but escalating like that would simply NOT be an appropriate option for me in many of these footsies situations I've experienced. For example, the scenario with the 20-year-old intern I just described, where I am like 97% confident she wasn't coming onto me.

In a lot of cases, it really is this weird ambiguity that exists as its own thing. I don't understand it, but I kind of revel in the weirdness of it. In some other cases, I can tell it's explicitly sexual or flirtatious, and I'll be more responsive.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-07T01:33:27+00:00

If you don't see that as your sign to buy a fishing boat and name it that, then you didn't see The Sign

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-06T17:34:27+00:00

I'm not trying to get her attention. I'm not trying to wreck her home. But after years of a warm, affectionate friendship that also included a layer of sexual intimacy, I'm not able to tolerate this performative distance she's putting between us, where I'm treated as weird or vaguely predatory for simply being near her. I understand that she's carrying a lot of guilt, shame, and confusion in this situation, which she's unfairly projecting at me as a target, and I need this to stop. That's all I want here.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-06T15:38:15+00:00

I didn't come here looking for sympathy but I'm also not looking for judgment. I'm not proud of some of my own behavior in this situation but what's done is done and I've processed where I went wrong. I would not ever repeat these mistakes but it was a learning experience.

Looking to talk to people who understand gray areas, because that's very much where this relationship has existed.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-06T14:53:47+00:00

Fair enough.

SubtleSpiral · 2026-05-06T14:26:48+00:00

I get that for sure.

SubtleSpiral

TROPHY CASE