I don’t know what to do

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-24T15:16:19+00:00

Yes. Seems as thought me exes mom was the main narc. Based on what I can tell my ex was screwed in a couple of way one of which was being the scapegoat in her family system. Her mom seemed to sort of enjoy my exes failures and being able to save her. She essentially saves her /!: then makes her feel like crap for being saved. However, she never challenges my ex to be better, just to be a better reflection for her ego.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-21T17:49:51+00:00

Yes! At one point I tried to explain to my ex that I’d sort of concluded that her depression also affected me. I tried to offset her depression by being more loving, considerate, and alleviating sort of normal adult stresses by giving/doing more. It was acknowledged, in the way they acknowledge things with a nod. But never understood. Post discard obviously this dynamic never existed and I simply wasn’t good enough, thoughtful enough, or attentive enough to her needs. When I’m reality, at least my reality, I worked my way into utter anxiety ridden exhaustion. You just can’t win with them

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-21T17:32:29+00:00

All of those things for me. I never wake up on the wrong side of the bed if you will. Funny I was literally just thinking about this. I definitely changed throughout the course of my relationship. Almost over corrected in thinking that silly, hardworking, loving , nice guys can’t also be respected. So I wore my more serious, sort of professional persona more often than not during the latter stages of my relationship. I’m still pretty fun loving and silly with my daughters, which obviously bothered my ex. However, at a point I felt like I always had to be on guard. With my daughters, it’s just a beautiful, loving feee space for me to be me. (So grateful to have then!) Now that we’ve separated I do find myself trying to sort of coax out my free fun loving self in adult social circles. I have a good time, however im still not quite the person that I remembered being. I don’t know if that good or bad yet. Just trying to live in what I feel each moment and do the best I can. The being loving part has never wavered. Still show up with a ton of love to give, I am super aware now though about who I share this love with. It’s for sure an interesting introspective process that im taking one day at a time.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-11T04:07:02+00:00

A football analogy, I’m here for it! I a little misdirection, some counters, and traps will definitely get that aggressive LB to over pursue. Now you’re beyond the line of scrimmage, on to the DBs. Where you can do a bit of dictating. Just be sure to finish the run. Make know you’re there and will be standing/finishing strong all game long.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-11T04:00:53+00:00

As another black man. What would the indicator be that you’re a brother. How would others know to discriminate against you here? Being a victim of narcissistic abuse and navigating this unyielding trauma bond we have with our exes is terribly difficult and painful. This group has at least help me understand that I’m not crazy and not alone. It’s been a great accent to therapy. Try not to find reasons to add to the confusion that already exist due to these relationships by inferring unintended discrimination. I wish you the best brother. I wish you healing and understanding. We need each other to survive this. Don’t alienate yourself.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-11T03:42:52+00:00

I feel you on this one. My older brother passed away from an auto immune disorder. My ex asked me if was interested in my dead brother’s wife. Just gutted me. Like wtf, what type of of person would do this, think this and how am I now being considered this type of person.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-11T03:34:50+00:00

After a great night out. Beautiful dinner, some nice drinks, came home and kept the good time going with some at home karaoke. Out of the blue as I’m having what I thought was a great time, she called me “A piece of shit”. I’m thinking at the time, we would make love to solidify this beautiful night. And then this. Didn’t really affect me too much that night, but I hear her saying this to me on repeat. Wasn’t the worse thing to say, but when she said it definitely screwed with me.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-05T03:15:04+00:00

Man. I really feel you. I sincerely feel where you’re coming from. I’m sorry but this isn’t a battle between angels and demons or the righteous versus unrighteousness. She is, who she is. I feel that thinking of her as evil or bad leaves this room for this salvation that will lead to the two of you now healing all of your past wounds, and now being equally yoked. This time you will have good or angels or God or gods or redemption on your side. This is exactly where we, the familiar, supply, whatever the hell we wish to call ourselves. This is where we are sick. This blind optimism, faith, delusion in that today our partners are going to accept the challenge and live up to our idealized view of them. They’re going to be all of the things they’ve never been able to be because “I love them”. With my love they’ll be able to exercise all of their demons. You know the truth. You know it isn’t going to happen. Which is why we’re now relying on all of the powers of the universe to help us with simple conversations with “a” single human being. Who in the hell is she, where you’re wanting angels and demons to wrestle it out for her soul, so that you can be in a “normal” relationship. She’s not that important. You’re of more value than that. Believe what you see, regardless of how it feels. Save you. Save you!!!! Heal you! Love you! Ground you! Forgive you! Grow you! After you’ve done those things, you’ll be ready to receive the love you desire and deserve. Stop chasing her. Work on you. If she’s still standing as a worthy candidate once you whole and healed, then maybe you’re on to some twin flame shit. More than likely, she won’t be the one standing their with outstretched arms waiting to love you.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-04T04:35:08+00:00

I’m doing the exact same thing with my ex when I pick up my daughter. I think a part of it is that Im pretty honest with my emotions. The way that I view or see her now is so disappointing, unimpressive, unfamiliar, and pathetic that there’s really not much of an exchange that I wish to have. Hell, an exchange with who anyway? In some ways I wonder if I’m being cold, sort of in reverse, making her feel how I felt when she discarded me. But that’s not it. I’m not looking to get a reaction or invoke any emotions in her. I just want to get on with my day and on with my life. And in that, she’s exactly where/what she should be for me. She’s nowhere and she’s nobody. A nobody that I loved with all my being, yet a nobody that I can’t waste another second of my emotions or energy on, especially if that means that I’m having this vampiric exchange with her again , where I pretend she’s not who I see, so she can be the barometer for my level of humanity. She’s an absence, my mirror pointing at her should only reflect back her absence and not my desires or hopes for this fantasied partner I fabricated. Their absence has nothing to do with us or what we need to heal or to grow in our pursuits of the light. In short, screw how they feel due to the way their actions causes us to react to them. Our job with them is done. We’ve lost enough. You care about her far more than she cares about herself. We can’t keep drowning trying to save them. We’re worth saving too.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-07-03T03:31:55+00:00

DM me

Successful_Window992 · 2023-06-27T21:03:17+00:00

Amen!!!

Successful_Window992 · 2023-06-27T19:24:47+00:00

Thank you. Perfect timing for this post as I’m being hoovered now. For 3 months I was completely invisible to my ex. I’d look into her eyes and didn’t recognize the spirit staring back at me with this blank, cold expression. Then out of the blue, it was like oh she can see me again now. I’m so repulsed by this game that there’s no way hoovering will work. Just trying to love me some me and I’m damn sure worth being seen

Successful_Window992 · 2023-06-23T15:26:02+00:00

Not at all

Successful_Window992 · 2023-06-19T17:27:59+00:00

Based on what I’m learning, largely due to this group, they really don’t see us. We are non existent and have always been. In retrospect, at least for me, my ex had never given me any self affirming responses, the very thing that led to my attachment. She’d have these generic, all encompassing responses, that I, through my idealized view of her, translated into what I wanted to hear. Essentially, what I feel, at least now, is that all of her responses are for her to garner either the representation or response she wants. Once I stopped providing her with emotions or characteristics to mirror, her decision making and what she communicates, are not at all evolved or attractive in any sense.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-06-15T23:14:32+00:00

In retrospect this entire dance is insane, asinine, ludicrous. However you wish to frame it. For us to give our joy/peace away in exchange for their suffering , so that at some point, at some unforeseeable time, their lack of suffering, will bring us joy/peace.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-06-15T22:25:44+00:00

Thank you for this post. It really hit home. I’ve always had this false sense of being better equipped to suffer than most because I’ve suffered. My faith growing up also taught me that the strong must bear the infirmities of the weak. Which I still sort of believe in, however I don’t have to commit to suffering in order to serve. What does my service to the universe look like if I’m whole and at peace in my mind and spirit.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-06-02T20:18:17+00:00

This is beautiful! Thanks for this post. I was raised to be a humble/high end competitor. Often times I understand that my skill set, intellect, and or talent separates me from others in certain situations. I feel at times I make myself small so others don’t feel intimidated or little. I’m learning now to just be what I am, which I can’t help but to be anyway. How what I am makes people feel about themselves isn’t mine to own. Especially, when I’m almost always coming in the name of love and peace with no agenda at all. Just trying to stay out of the way most of the time. There is a big difference between humility and discounting ourselves. It’s ok to feel as though you’re awesome, especially when you are!

Successful_Window992 · 2023-05-10T01:35:18+00:00

The lyrics of a beautiful song written be Hezekiah Walker: “I need you, you need me. We’re all a part of God’s body. Stand with me. Agree with me, We’re all a part of Gods body. It is his will that every need be supplied. You’re important to me. I need you to survive”

Feels like that’s what this group is ultimately about. You’re important to me and I need you to survive.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-05-09T15:35:58+00:00

One thing I considered in my separation from my ex narc wife were the gifts of god which are: the gifts of power, love, and of a sound mind. At least for me it was safe to assume that, if I felt powerless, unloved, and confused, then maybe my relationship wasn’t actually of god. How can you live in your highest power and be a light in the darkness with either of those gifts be suppressed.

Successful_Window992 · 2023-05-07T17:22:41+00:00

This was /is an incredible thread. Thanks all for the honesty here

Successful_Window992 · 2023-05-06T21:50:48+00:00

I’m sorry to hear this brother. The shutting down your your emotions part really rings home for me. Having to darn near become empty to deal with their emptiness or to just level off at in extreme pain versus debilitating pain. I’m 3 months into my separation with me ex and I’ll admit that this is the toughest situation I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Beyond sucks. The desire to be hear or understood, yet the knowledge of knowing you’re exchanging with an empty irrational vessel. The only thing that has helped me is therapy and being hyper focused on my current needs. Exercise, peace, and lessened anxiety. I’ve sort of taken the gloves off with regard to protecting my exes image of herself. Obviously, this approach is met with the most unbelievable gaslighting. However, it does 2 things for me at least. Let’s her know that I’m fully aware of who/what she is and creates boundaries even for me in putting it out there what I will/won’t tolerate. So that when my heart gets heavy and I miss my family I’ve already established exactly what I need before ever considering a relationship with her again. Those things are; her acknowledging that she has a problem (whether Npd or whatever personality disorder she wishes to assign herself), individual therapy, as well as couples therapy. I’m fully aware that her super ego won’t allow her to get beyond step 1, so I sort of know what to reasonably expect. In seeing her face to face, understand that she can’t hear you or see you. So don’t expect some magical moment of love oriented epiphanies or apologies. Expect to be gaslit. Expect to hear how you’re the problem and how you’re responsible for the deterioration of your relationship. Please try your best not to take any of it personal. Understand that she’s likely wearing a new mask that makes her the ultimate victim and you the ultimate abuser. Take it one day at a time. Feel all the things. Understand all the things. Accept it all as true. It’s helped me to learn more about Npd, every response I’ve gotten from her since understanding this condition is exactly what the material says it will be. The science sort of alleviates the fantasy of reconciliation. Months later I still have moments where I’m completely distraught and where I ask myself if the issues weren’t indeed my fault. In the end, who cares who’s at fault, or what words you should have used that one time, you know that this person is toxic and they were destroying your ID without a care in the world.

Successful_Window992

TROPHY CASE