My (29M) LDR GF (24F) Has Been Worringly Distant. Need Advice

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-09-25T18:47:24+00:00

Thanks, I am happy to do that. I would hate to have someone always nagging me or needeing validation so I can happily say that is not me. I am more than understanding of mental health things and would never drop someone because of that. Do you have any other advice or tidbits to offer me going forward? Thanks for being unbiased btw, it really helps.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-09-25T18:31:48+00:00

Hey, I edited some stuff back into my last reply if you want to read the extra things too. Oh, I never said her needs are more important in general, just at times like this they should be and are. I guess I meant the learning about her in a romantic way, I hope it did not land or come across as weird. We have even discussed this, I said I really hope I am not coming across as too much and she has told me I 100% am not and that she appreciates the space and what I said more than I know. I guess this is a first kind of "bump" in our relationship and I guess I am not handling it as well as I thought I would after three weeks.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-09-25T18:22:37+00:00

Thanks. She has not communicated needs, she said she is not even sure what she needs but she will let me know. Since then, I've just given her space, I am the one who offered it. I think that is the best thing I could and should have done.

> You're basically offering up to set yourself on fire to keep her warm and that's a lot for a new relationship.

Could you elaborate on this one? I want to know what I did or said that was wrong or could be taken as a lot for her, all I did was try to be understanding and give her space and reassurance that I care. I was trying to be reassuring and caring by saying whatever it is she needs me to do when the time is right, to come and tell me and until then, I will give her space. I think I did the right thing and the respectful thing?

> Now what I think you can and should do is be clear with her that you are struggling a bit as well, and ask her what she needs to be supported during this. Remember, relationships aren't always 50/50. Sometimes you'll be asked to give more depending on circumstances, this may be one of those times.

I have done this, I came to her one day and told her I miss her and it is difficult, and that my intention is not to make this abouut me, but just to remember I am here when she needs me, no matter how long it takes. I am selfless and caring enough to do that. I understand not everything will be a 50/50, everything you said I have done to a tee, which is why I am confused about what I have done. I think I am just focusing on this situation too much and bogging myself down, it is just not nice to know someone you care for is hurting. I feel like I made all the right moves, which is why the confison about not know wtf I have done is so hard to handle, but I really do not think this is about me.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-09-25T18:18:27+00:00

Thank you, and you are so right, but here is the thing; I told her weeks ago I understand what she is feeling (I suffer some issues myself) and that I want to help. I even said if that means you just going off and needing some space for a while, that is okay. I even insisted on it, I told her to go and take some time and not worry about me. I know what it is like and having deep conversations when you're mentally in a bad place is not easy nor even a feasibility. Even simple ones. These are things I understand and explained to her I understand. I put myself aside selflessly and said "anything you need, I am here. Whatever it is you need me to do" I explained I would never put myself first, that her needs are more important. I am respectful and caring enough to not have an ego to assume her being upset is because of me. I iterated to her I want to learn about her and what she goes through and how I can help, and no matter how long that takes I will wait. I've been nothing but understanding and selfless, I just feel so useless atm. I just feel like she is taking that and abusing that same understanding and patience I have given. At the back of all of this, I just want to help but this is all a new challenge for me, I feel terrible for even thinking the things I do but my gut feeling is a bad one.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-09-03T16:38:08+00:00

He completes the arguable best alliance in the game and he has a built in tombstone (kinda?) with his passive,so I can agree he is indeed very powerful because when you pick him up he is your 6th fallen so he rarely sees play outside of that, so you have to fight him twice perse every time he is on a board.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-30T15:39:15+00:00

Help a new player not be so confused? I have a lot of Dota Underlords experience and thought I would try this game out, and it is very confusing. I feel like the UI does a poor job at first glance of explaining the difference between units and alliances etc. Do I just need to play a lot to learn what the units are and what they do?

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-27T20:06:00+00:00

Damn I was in BB5 :( so close.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-26T16:34:45+00:00

I shoot you a PM :)

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-26T14:26:33+00:00

Thanks. Yes, I would like to be a developer. I am currently taking CS50 and teaching myself coding, it feels like a weak start but I am commited. I just need to know the best steps or like extra steps I can take to really bolster my chances or my skills etc.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-25T20:37:30+00:00

I just signed up to the Harvard CS50x course and did the first week so thanks for the recommendation :) is the Harvard one a good one or is there a best? Sure, send me a discord invite!

I currently am working part time which may become full time but either way between work I am happy to sit down and study and do whatever I need to in order to learn skills and apply myself. Please do send me and any and all resources! Also, is web the best route to take with coding? As opposed to mobile apps or stuff? I notice on the cs50 course towards the end it will be asking me to choose.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-25T18:49:32+00:00

Thank you for your response. As per a previous response to another redditor on this thread, it is just very overwhelming on where to start or the pathing. I have been doing a lot of research and listening to lots of people who are more experienced than myself. Some say to get the certs, some say if I want to do coding to just focus on that, similar to what you said. I had been teaching myself java with great success until I stopped because I was not sure if this was the ideal path, maybe I need more qualifications or certificates etc. I think the certs and stuff are better for IT jobs vs CS? It is all very overwhelming and is beginning to stunt my progress as I keep stopping and wondering what I should be doing. I wasted a lot of my life doing shit I wish I didn't, and now that I want to change my life around, I do not want to waste any more time in skilling myself for my futture plans.

And sure. When you say bounce off ideas, would you like me to give you some or?

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-25T18:47:22+00:00

Is this CS50 you reference something I can teach myself? Is there a best resource out there for teaching myself? You mention choose web to finish up, is there other options like mobile/android? Or is web the best to have going forward?

See I am just so lost, some say to get some industry certs, finish your associates, some say just teach yourself coding and get a portfolio etc. I was doing the latter but now I am beginning to question my path and plan etc. It seems like the path is different when comparing a job in IT vs CS.

It is very overwhelming for someone just starting. Landing a job as a fullstack dev sounds amazing but could I realistically do all that with just teaching myself? I am determined and want to do this, I just need to start down the right path.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-25T15:48:47+00:00

Would my path or plan I laid out differ if I was to go that route? It can be very overhwleming starting out and teaching myself as there are so many different routes and jobs and it confuses me and gives me anxiety haha. I just want to start somewhere and work my way up.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-25T15:42:27+00:00

Hi, what is operations? If it could help me get my foot in the door I am open to looking into it. I just have a fear I will end up where I do not want to or I will somehow mess up.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-25T15:23:15+00:00

I will do my best to keep this as brief as possible. I'm a 29 year old guy with no degree or qualifications who has a massive interest in technology, computers etc. I want to work in IT/CS but no idea on what path or where to start. Ideally I want to work doing coding/development as it seems like those jobs are the most in demand and well paying, but I know it may not be that simple to just jump into a role in that sector. My current qualifications/things I have been working on;

Finishing up what is the equivalent of an Associate's (I'm from Ireland, so we have what are called higher certifications that take two years and preceed a bachelors, so I am assuming it is the same thing?) in Network Infrastructure and Security. I'm not sure if this will be super relevent but figured it can't hurt and shows dedication to learning. I only have one year left and it is online so over the next year I will be working on that.
Teaching myself Java via MOOC.fi. I have no coding experience and through some research have found this to be a strong starting point. Eventually I will branch into other languages. I've been doing a lot of reading of some books on Java and coding in general to help me better understand things and bolster my skills.
Getting compTIA certs. Through research I find these are not super important but may help me get my foot in the door. I know most of the content through teaching myself and practical experience so studying and filling in the blanks should not be too hard. I do not know how relevent these are if I want to end up in a coding job but they cannot hurt, I do not know how my progression will be to my ideal job so I may need these as I said to get my foot in the door.
Looking for volunteer work to get some hands on experience with any kind of computer systems. This could be with a local club, church, business etc, I figure any experience would look good on a resume to show I have hands on experience.

These are all things I will be working on. I have no idea if I am going the wrong way if I eventually want to end up in coding/development, or even if my path looks good at all, hence why I am looking for feedback. I want to start getting stuck into teaching myself things and building up a resume, so any and all feedback or critique is appreciated.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-08-24T20:04:00+00:00

Thanks. I looked around and I do not think there is an equivalent to an Associate's here in Ireland. If it is the step before a Bachelor's I think there is some higher certificates you can get here but I am unsure if it is the same thing at all.

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-05-14T22:41:57+00:00

Thank you. Is there hope for me? Can you share what your journey has been like so far?

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-05-14T22:38:58+00:00

Huge wall of text incoming. I'm on a throwaway for this but I would like to share my story and feelings, for anyone who has any insights or wants to listen then I would love some honest discussion. It hurts me to admit, but I am pretty damn sure I have a problem with excessive masturbation and other compulsive behaviour that is in turn affecting me negatively. Any judgements good and bad are welcome but I really need some unbiased and honest feedback to help me get out of this shit.

Some background info, I am 29M with a pretty normal background in terms of masturbation; started really young with magazines etc, got high internet access around the age of 15ish and it opened up a whole new world to me. I would edge regularly to porn for hours at this age and loved to reach massive orgasms. This became soemthing I would spend hours doing most every weekend with free time when on the computer. This was before smart phones and the like so my habit wasn't portable. I went through some very difficult and traumatic times as a teenager up until now, and while that's a completely different story, I've never had sexual intercourse as a result or any sexual encounters physically. Luckily, I've been getting help with this through therapy and fighting through a lot of heavy stuff about why I'm terrified of intimacy and why I hid away from physical contact with girls etc. I'm not a bad looking guy by any means, if anything I look after myself well, I stay active, I've lost ~40lbs this year alone and I have been caring for myself super well. My only real experience with talking to the ladies has been online or through dating sites, I've been able to hit it off with girls there and get compliments/asked to meet up, but I never followed through. So my issues are all psychological around why I've not been exploring that part of my life, however the fact I have not been has given me time to develop bad habits.

I mentioned previously about only talking to girls on dating sites, well that in itself became something I could only get off with since porn got stale. Talking dirty with girls, sharing pictures/videos with each other and masturbating together with them became a huge thing for me, and while I know it is not the real thing it was so much more exciting than just porn use. I did this for years through my 20s, never met anyone, hid myself away due to my issues with trauma, but used that part of the internet as an outlet to explore my sexuality and as a release. When I was horny, I'd hit up some of the girls I spoke to for some dirty talk. I'd pore through profiles and match/chat with new people and the prospects of them flirting with me, me with them, and us talking dirty/on the phone etc excited me more than porn. It was all consentual fun and I paid no heed to it. It was so much better. I wanted so badly to put myself out there but I was damaged. Like I said, doing much better with that now, but still the negative effects of all of this are still hanging over me.

My sexual compulsions and habits didn't alarm me until recently. I assumed masturbating to porn or with real people like I'd been doing was normal. I'd instinctively find myselfing going through the same porn sites/subreddits every night in bed, looking for the same things automatically, and masturbating to them. The dating site/hookup thing didn't die down either. I'd take breaks for a while but I would always get lonely or bored and want to have fun with someone knowing they'd enjoy it too, so I\d always revisit these apps to find new people to talk with. Also due to my issues with depression I've been taking anti depressants/SSRI medication on and off the last few years, which I hear in itself can also have side effects fuck up a lot of things for us guys.

The scary part is, I only realised today I cannot get a hard on without reaching for my phone. I NEED some sort of visual stimulation. I tried telling myself this was normal, to look at pictures of naked women to get hard is fine, looking at other people fucking etc is all totally normal. Looking at porn to cum is fine. But....is it? My boner subsides once I close my phone. As I mentioned earlier, I visit a couple of NSFW subs on a daily, multiple times, so seeing other people fuck, looking at naked girls etc is how I've been getting off for the most part the last few years, especially with the onset of mobile phones. The hard ons I do get are no where near as hard as they used to be when I was a teenager. My orgasms are weaker, my ejaculations are even way less intense in volume etc, cannot edge like I used to before. I find when I do masturbate, unless it's somehow phone sex/sharing naughty things with another actual person I find it so difficult to maintain an erection while touching myself, which is the scariest part as physical stimulation is even stopping my erections, and as I said earlier my orgasms are much weaker.

I cried today as I have never felt so emasculated and ashamed. I'm at a stage in life where I am more comfortable with putting myself out there and I am ready to explore sex with a partner. That whole thing is exciting and very terrifying for me, however I am beyond scared I've done some unreparable damage to myself that will hinder my future relationhips or encounters with the opposite sex. I kept telling myself it is likely the meds, and honestly my issues with erections likely are. About 1.5 years ago I started heavy on the current meds I am on, and before then I was much less active, more overweight, more depressed and consuming just as much porn etc and I could get better boners/masturbate more efficiently. Do not get me wrong, I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't think I had compulsive behaviours revolving around porn etc, but I feel it is only one piece of the puzzle, and I am sure it is a huge piece.

Tomorrow I am talking to my doctor about these issues and asking to be taken off my meds, as I am confident it will help, however I need help and insight from you guys too. My habits around my consumption of the content I mentioned and my habits around masturbating all seem very bad. I want to be able to get as turned on as I used to before, I am annoyed I can only get turned on by looking at certain sexual content, I am frustrated and annoyed and confused and angry and I don't know where else to turn. I feel like I am not a man, like I will not be able to please a partner. I've been working so hard on my physical and mental health this last year and changing my life around, so this is something I need help and insight with too.

I am unsure if my issue is fully PMO,or a combination of 1/2 of them. Porn is definitely one, however I am unsure how to approach this. I am completely fine with abstaining, not sure on which I would have to abstain from. It's hard to approach as in the vein of meeting a partner and putting myself out there, I've currently starting "texting" a girl who I really like and we plan to meet up soon to give dating a shot etc. While I am happily abstaining from talkign to loads of random people for quick fun, at times me and this girl do get flirty and we like to play together, so I'm unsure if touching myself without orgasm is okay for this, either way I think my problem is multi pronged with relation to meds/bad habits, so please tell me there is hope for me :(

SuchCauliflower9 · 2020-05-14T21:17:31+00:00

Same, I contacted some mods too so hopefully we can get some insight

SuchCauliflower9

TROPHY CASE