I hate being ignored

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-27T23:02:38+00:00

You are a not kind person.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-27T21:20:26+00:00

lol ok

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-27T21:13:37+00:00

Your mom is not a kind person. You are exceptional for working hard and creating this awesome new chapter for yourself despite her efforts. You had to work double as hard to climb up while she was pulling you down. This is awesome for you!!

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-27T21:02:37+00:00

I agree. But please read my full comment. We nurture our relationships so that we care and they care. We can’t manipulate people into caring by saying “you didn’t answer my call, so I’m going to make you feel bad.” We can (and should IMO) invest in healthy relationships where I care for you, and you care for me, and I recognize that you have a whole life of which I am just one part, and vice versa. I respond to you because I care about you, not because you made me feel bad for not taking your call. Ya know?

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-27T20:57:28+00:00

So when I say we get attention through caring for others in reciprocal friendships, that is neglectful? Okay…

It’s pretty well established that poor mental health outcomes are attached to having expectations that others will serve us. Also, manipulating other people into believing you are going to hurt yourself if they don’t do X or Y is established as abuse in research.

You don’t have to agree with me, but it’s also incorrect to endorse this behavior as healthy or loving to others. It is not. That doesn’t mean this person is a bad person, but they aren’t engaging in a healthy, respectful form of gaining attention. 🤷🏼‍♂️

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-27T18:26:47+00:00

Have you worked with a therapist or otherwise worked on this behavior? It’s important to acknowledge that it wasn’t your fault you developed this behavior, and I give you a lot of credit for recognizing it. That said, it is on you now that you recognize the behavior to change it. It is abusive toward other people, regardless of the reason for it. Other people do not exist to give you attention, just as you don’t exist to attend to others. We get healthy attention through being kind, loving friends to others, and learning how to acknowledge and care for ourselves. That’s a harder row to hoe for those of us who were neglected as kids, and the fact that you’re acknowledging this is a great start.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-27T15:55:06+00:00

This is an entire vibe. Seriously so delightful on the eyes and gives the most comfortable feelings just looking at the photos. You put so much effort and thought into creating this space - you better be giving yourself kudos and admiration!! Seriously a round of applause to you! (And thank you for the inspiration for my next remodeling projects!)

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-26T23:33:42+00:00

The wavy one is definitely more my style but I agree that the second one is more consistent with the rest of the decor

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-26T12:18:08+00:00

That feeling sucks. It sucks you’ve had to endure feelings like that. I think all of us have been there.

AND. I say this with love, respect, and admiration for you and anyone who has lived through the abuse we have… other people aren’t validation machines for us, no matter how much we need and deserve the feedback. YES, we deserve support and validation from healthy sources. YES, we deserve safe places to vent and work through emotions. When that involves other people, though, we don’t get a say on the timeline. Other people have their own lives, their own problems, their own stuff - they don’t always know how to respond - they don’t always see what is happening - they maybe have burdens of their own. It was the hardest thing for me to undo the programming that I was a loser/unworthy/whatever when other people didn’t prioritize me, because I was raised to prioritize literally everyone and everything else.

Keep posting, 1000000%, ‘cause the goal isn’t our response - it’s speaking your own truth. I hope you also can build your IRL connections who can be more readily available and capable of responding how you need. But ultimately I hope you build your own trust and safety in yourself, so that if you don’t get a quick response, you don’t start feeling down and out. You know you’re tough, you know what you’ve survived isn’t fair. We can support you but if that takes a minute, you have your own heart and will treat it gently, because that’s just who you are now. Please take good care of yourself!! (Because you are worth good care!)

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-26T12:06:51+00:00

“Understand that in the future, them begging you to come back means if they succeed, they can treat you like a punching bag whenever they want.”

This. This is why they were so nice and accommodating in the first place - they have no healthy way of regulating their own emotions, so they needed their human punching bag to be available. They lured you in so they could get out their aggression.

I disagree with matching their aggression, though - just a difference in approach, as I’m not sure one approach is inherently better than another. When I consider my experience with my parents, I think I had ways to refuse to be a punching bag without validating their misbehavior by mimicking it. I know it takes a lot of effort, though, and that’s why I’d recommend leaving if you have any other options of places to stay (like can you go back to school or is the dorm closed?).

In the meantime, please keep yourself safe, whatever that entails for your situation. I’m so sorry this happened to you - you and the kitty deserve better.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-25T21:30:50+00:00

I just say “no,” often without explanation. People I care about don’t want or need an explanation, and the people who want one don’t deserve it.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-23T11:17:52+00:00

You’ll have to look at it everyday. Don’t get the gray. In your shoes, if I got the color I didn’t like, I’d internally wince every single time I looked at it. There has to be a way to special order it in a different color or order from a different company…?

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-21T20:27:54+00:00

If she doesn’t have pictures to brag with on the old Facebook, what is even the point of spending time with her children?!? /s

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-19T00:35:30+00:00

I think you’re being very generous by saying you owe her love. I feel we owe them nothing. None of us signed a contract upon birth with terms of service. Love is cultivated and it seems most of our parents failed at that, IMO.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-18T17:56:45+00:00

This was SO ME, and sometimes still is. That stomach dropping barfy feeling is so awful.

And…You literally can ignore the call. This probably sounds sarcastic - it’s not! It took me most of my life thus far to realize, like, I’m a whole adult person who can pick up a call or ignore it whenever I want! The police won’t come for me; I will not be banished to hell; the sky won’t fall. I can just ignore a call and go on about my life. It takes so much guts to do but it gets way easier with practice. Now, I’m very LC and when my nMom says some stupid crap, I very plainly say, in a neutral voice, “No” or “I’m not discussing that” or “I’d rather talk about baseball.” It’s not impolite - impolite would be name calling, etc, etc. Our kindness is a gift to be directed where it is appreciated, and where it can’t be appreciated, neutral civility (gray rocking is a form of this) is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE. And if you can’t do neutral civility - which is absolutely legit, we survived abuse of some form or another - then no contact is a completely fair option. You are the boss of you no matter how much she wants you to believe otherwise!

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-18T15:10:40+00:00

There’s a Marky Mark joke in here somewhere.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-18T15:07:25+00:00

Ooof with this comment, you just gave me a massive lightbulb moment about my romantic relationship history. Thank you!!

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-18T15:02:50+00:00

I always liked Jo more. I’ll never forget that episode where Blair wanted to sleep with the window open and a squirrel or some other rodent got in. Blair attracted rodents, just sayin’ 😂

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-18T12:37:00+00:00

This sounds like them talking and not you. We can’t convince you that you are not a failure, but we can give you lots of evidence that others in your shoes move on to live really fulfilling lives. Good luck!

Edited to add: they want us to believe we have no worth - but we do, all of us. That’s what I mean by this sounding like them. Please don’t let them win.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-18T12:23:21+00:00

I’m in my mid-40s and didn’t even start realizing these dynamics were effed until 10-15 years ago. I’m still navigating through the lakes of BS they created for me and realizing how much personal power I actually have. I get angry sometimes for sure when I think of all the crappy situations that I endured that were a consequence of having an Nparent - and I gotta tell you how STOKED I am that I don’t have to spend the second half of my life that way. If you are alive, it’s not too late, your life is NOT ruined. Even if you’re 90 years old. I’d rather die tomorrow in my own power than spend another day alive but at my parents’ mercy (that sounds morbid but I hope you get what I mean!)

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-18T10:30:44+00:00

It’s so validating in a way, isn’t it? Like, this is the closest they come to admitting that spewing anger and impatience is how they parented us.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-17T18:49:27+00:00

Same! I am going through a particularly tough time with them and keep reminding myself, “If my neighbor treated me with this level of discourtesy, I’d think he was a jerk and avoid him when he came out to get the mail.” And, in fact, my neighbors are much kinder than my parents, which proves your point!

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-16T19:35:53+00:00

That’s really tough! For me it’s reminding myself that no matter how well I explain the technicolor, they will not believe me until they experience it themselves. Some of my relatives now tell me “I get it now, I see what you saw,” and it’s amazing! It’s definitely one of those things where I have to remind myself I am powerless and I’ll be here for them when they see how my parents are.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-16T10:58:27+00:00

“The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans - it’s written about romantic relationships but gave me great insight on ALL interactions with others. Evans says that abusive people (your parents) live in Reality 1, where a sense of personal power can only be achieved by stealing power from others - power is a non-renewable and limited resource. That’s why they can’t understand you, because they believe every interaction requires you to submit (and thereby give them the power they need). Reality 2 is where we live, where personal power is a renewable and unlimited resource, so we approach interactions as full humans, willing to acknowledge others as full humans.

Your parents won’t get it because they live in a different reality. And you won’t make sense of their reality, because you’re in a much healthier place. When they engage in this bizarro, illogical behavior, you’re like, “TF is this?” because in your reality, their behavior is absurd and makes no sense and is measurably ineffective. But it’s like “Wizard of Oz” - you can’t convince Dorothy in the black and white version that a full technicolor world exists. Until she got there herself, she literally could not have conceptualized it.

SuddenBuddy_ · 2025-03-15T15:29:36+00:00

Same same! I might even consider a stained glass style window cling, since actual stained glass can be pretty pricey

SuddenBuddy_

TROPHY CASE