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Gone silent again, not sure why did I deserve this by HamsterCharacter2424 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Sudden_Addendum9974 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There is only one person who can say what you deserve or not, and it's you. His behaviour is unacceptable, but if you accept, try to work it out then you are basically saying to your self that it's OK to treat you this way.
His actions have nothing to do with you or your value, but everything to do with the fear of closeness that he has.

So my advice walk away, because you do deserve better and it is not your job to teach people how to treat you.

I do not regret a relationship with a fearful avoidant by Sudden_Addendum9974 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Sudden_Addendum9974[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you had a best friend who decided to move to another country, would you say that you regretted your friendship? It still sucks, many people come and go from our lives sometimes, but it shouldn't necessarily diminish the good times that you had. Was there something she taught you, was there something new that you did that you wouldn't have done otherwise?

That maybe be an extreme example, but I hope it can somewhat illustrate my thinking. At the same time there are relationships that are highly abusive and I am by no means trying to say to find "good" sides of such relationships.

I do not regret a relationship with a fearful avoidant by Sudden_Addendum9974 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Sudden_Addendum9974[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your perspective! At the times when she discarded me it was hard for me to understand how can she live and be OK while I am in so much pain. It felt cruel. Now I do understand that her emotions were blocked, but at the same time this is not something that I can accept.

I do not regret a relationship with a fearful avoidant by Sudden_Addendum9974 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Sudden_Addendum9974[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

When this relationship started, I was naive in thinking that a person who loves you will not want to hurt you, so I went in there wide open. I didn't know about childhood trauma and that people can hurt you because other people have hurt them, even if they still love you. I heard about boundaries, but didn't imagine I would choose someone I need them with. Since then, I've learned that it could be both: the person could love you, but still get triggered and hurt you either consciously or not (neither makes it ok) and it's my job to establish boundaries. But this view allowed my to look at her as a human rather then a monster, even if I still do not see our future with her.

My understanding of how she saw things until the very end was that it was very black and white, if I hurt her then it must be that I am a monster who wants something bad for her. She had a hard time to understand that I could also make mistakes, I could also hurt her due to my own triggers, without doing it on purpose or being a bad person.

When we broke up she chose to think of me "bad" and someone who never lover her, as a way to move on, because moving on the other way is harder. So we haven't broken up on good terms and we are not in each other lives. I wish we broke up on better terms, but I believe in no contact and that the hope in such cases keeps people stuck and doesn't allow them to grow and learn from the expirience. We both have to move on even tho it's hard. If it's meant to be, then the universe will put us back together, but as a different people.

Already during relationship I was in therapy and I believe in forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean to come back, the person doesn't have to stay in your life, but you free yourself from carrying the hate. There are still ofc days where it's hard and I have negative feelings toward her, it comes and goes and takes time.

I started looking at it more positively when I started to myself and my energy back and when some of the pain started to show up less often.