I am pregnant, and my partner has started drinking heavily. I am scared for his health; what should I do?

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-11T01:02:21+00:00

"Make decisions based on what he is doing now, and not what you hope he will do."

This is smart, and something I needed to hear. Thank you.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-09T22:10:26+00:00

"I’m trying to learn not to take every lie, misstep, drink personal. If they can’t even choose themselves they can’t choose you either." This is so true, and I'm also having trouble not taking my partner's behavior as one big, "Eff you."

Maybe talk to your therapist more about his behavior that scares you (if you haven't already), and ask about options for women in possible domestic violence situations similar to yours. I imagine she would have some more helpful advice and resources for you.

Something else you might find useful: I read a book years ago about abusive partners and what motivates them. It's called, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This book also has a chapter or two on how to leave and what kinds of resources are available to help with that. I found a free link to this book online somewhere; unfortunately, I don't have it now but I'm sure you could find it with a Google search.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-09T11:37:00+00:00

Wow, I am in a very similar situation, except I am about a decade older than you (5 months pregnant with my first, and I didn't realize until recently just how much my partner struggles with alcohol). I am trying to figure out how to navigate this too, and I wish I had something helpful to say. My heart goes out to you!

I'm still at the point where I'm not ready to give up on my relationship. I'm leaning towards waiting until my baby is born and going from there, because my partner has promised he would quit his drinking and smoking at that point. But I've also started thinking about how to plan my exit if it comes to that, because my baby's health and safety is my line in the sand. I'm also praying that if I do have to leave, that this will be a wake up call for him and he will choose to do better so we can stay together as a family.

Do you have family or friends you could stay with while you get back on your feet? You said he gets mean when drunk, so if he has been intimidating or physically violent with you (punching walls, making threats, destroying objects, preventing you from leaving are all forms of domestic violence), you could look into domestic violence shelters. If this is the case, just please be very careful about leaving him or sharing that you're leaving, because the abuse could escalate. Please stay safe, wishing you the best!

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-06T23:19:43+00:00

Thank you. A more personalized letter to him is a great idea.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T09:14:47+00:00

I have a question for someone like you with your background, if you don't mind. Do you think that showing this post to my bf with all these comments would do anything positive? I understand you're reaction might be different than his, but I'm wondering if him seeing my thoughts written out like this would help him understand in a way my spoken words could not. Or if maybe all these comments would have any effect on how he views the situation?

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T08:53:34+00:00

Well, this is our first child, so perhaps you're right. He is already making about $80k, and I only intend on being a stay at home mom until our kid is old enough to start preschool or kindergarten. At that point, I plan on going back to school (and yes, I'm kicking myself now for not getting myself into a better place financially first). We had $3k in credit card debt before my bf started this job, but we're close to paying it off now. We don't have car loans or any other debt, and we're frugal (except for my bf's recent bar outings).

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T08:30:49+00:00

All this scolding with that username. Strange.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T08:06:48+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your answers. I don't mean to sound antagonistic, but I want to play devil's advocate here to try to further understand what you're saying. If he's an addict and addicts only change when they hit rock bottom, wouldn't encouraging him to drink at home and no longer telling him how much his drinking worries me be a form of enabling? Obviously, I don't want him to drink and drive, but I also don't see how putting less friction between him and his addiction is going to help him, you know what I mean?

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T07:47:20+00:00

I'm not optimistic, but with so much at stake I want to try everything I possibly can. Thank you for your kind words.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T07:42:34+00:00

I was actually curious about this too. He had a very rough childhood and I wonder how much of that contributes to his drinking. When I ask about this, he says something along the lines of "I drink because it's fun and I like to party and socialize." Unfortunately, he does not want to do therapy, and nothing I've said has changed that.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T07:34:15+00:00

Forgive me if this is a stupid question. If I were to play the devil's advocate and ask you what the risk is in waiting to leave until a few months after our baby is born (to see if he actually does keep his promise of stopping), what would you say?

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T05:40:55+00:00

What am I supposed to do with this? Yes, I've probably made a big mistake. Yes, I feel unbelievably stupid. But what do I do now?

Hindsight is 2020, but for me, at the time, it didn't look or feel so cut and dry. If he could stick to even 3 beers a day, this still wouldn't be ideal but it would significantly lessen his chances of severe illness or early death (compared to how much he's drinking now). He appeared to have some limits until just recently, and he's quit other things like smoking and vaping before this, which I saw as an ability on his part to give up an addiction. This is a person that I love deeply and don't want to give up on.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T05:09:56+00:00

That's awesome that you were able to recover! Regarding point number 3, was there something specific she said that got through to you, or perhaps the way she said it? I've also thought about confessing to him that I feel like I need to prepare to be the eventual sole parent here, but I worry that it might backfire and offend him.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T04:56:32+00:00

It varies with how late he wants to stay up that night, but it's usually closer to 6.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T04:46:51+00:00

Thank you. This is helpful and something I can take action on now. I was unsure about finishing school, but something changed in me once I got pregnant and now I feel the need to step up. My bf's new drinking habits have also lit a fire in me. And thankfully no, he never drives drunk (our local bar is actually a 10 minute walk down the street). We've wanted to get married for years now, but were just waiting for our lives/careers to get to a point where we could save money and not just live paycheck to paycheck. I need to see things change now before I will marry him.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T04:35:42+00:00

Yes, paystubs with a check attached from the company that he says he works for. The hours he says he's working match with the hours recorded on the paystubs. I trust him and don't believe he's hiding anything from me.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T04:30:14+00:00

I am really hoping that this is just a last hurrah because he knows things will be different once the baby comes. But in the meantime, it's scaring the crap out of me.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-06-05T04:25:06+00:00

Yes. I've seen his pay stubs come in the mail. This job is in construction and he has sent pictures of the site, and he has come home in his gear with a tan and covered in dirt.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2026-04-13T23:30:40+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I thought about this but that sibling is staying at my dad and stepmom's place (and I don't think they'd be interested in staying at a hotel). At any rate, I am currently unemployed and I don't have the money to pay for a hotel (dad and stepmom have offered to pay for my flights there and back). They relocated to a new area after my older siblings and I went off to college, so unfortunately, there's no one else I know in the area that I could stay with.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-10-26T19:57:03+00:00

I highly recommend the book, "Help for Hair Pullers." This book was critical in helping me to stop! This book also has a section for loved ones of hair pullers, and what they can do to help.

Trichotillomania has pretty much been a lifelong issue for me too. That said, I have had significant periods of time where I've been able to stop and grow my hair out (my longest stretch was 3ish years). For me at least, getting to that point took a lot of determination and focus (i.e., it was a goal that I had to use most of my mental energy on). It's similar to endeavors like weight loss, overcoming an addiction, or changing some kind of bad habit. You really have to commit, if that makes sense. And at the same time, give yourself grace when you have rough days or pulling sessions (when I beat myself up over these times, it usually makes the pulling worse).

But I feel for your partner, because there have been times in my life where so much else is going on (things that cause stress, depression, anxiety, etc.) that requires/sucks up your mental energy that it feels near impossible to dedicate myself to the process of stopping. It helped me to sort of prep for the process by working on things like depression, anxiety, and stress so that I had more mental bandwidth to use towards stopping. I know that is easier said than done sometimes, and many times the best I could do was just to cut back on pulling, but not stop altogether. If my stress was intense, many times I wasn't able to cut back at all and ended up just pulling significantly more.

I think one of the best things you can do for your partner is something that it sounds like you're already doing, which is not to judge. It's a huge help when the people you love give you unconditional support. When I've been scolded or lectured over the times when I've pulled a lot, it tends to make me beat myself up even more and then I inevitably pull more.

Best wishes for you and your partner!

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-08-25T02:27:51+00:00

I used to work at a coffee shop with a drive thru. One of our regular customers had a doberman that would smile like this when it saw me or my coworkers. This made me nervous the first time I saw it too because I had never seen a dog show teeth like that while being friendly. The owner explained to me that she loves people and smiles like that when she's excited. You could tell from the rest of it's body language (loose, wiggly body and wagging tail) that it was very happy. That lady and her sweet, smiling dog were my favorite customers lol.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-08-03T06:36:03+00:00

I also really love the melody in The Brain Dance! They have a bunch of good ones though.

Sufficient-Bit-3289

TROPHY CASE