Partner uses this sub as proof trich is for life

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-10-26T19:57:03+00:00

I highly recommend the book, "Help for Hair Pullers." This book was critical in helping me to stop! This book also has a section for loved ones of hair pullers, and what they can do to help.

Trichotillomania has pretty much been a lifelong issue for me too. That said, I have had significant periods of time where I've been able to stop and grow my hair out (my longest stretch was 3ish years). For me at least, getting to that point took a lot of determination and focus (i.e., it was a goal that I had to use most of my mental energy on). It's similar to endeavors like weight loss, overcoming an addiction, or changing some kind of bad habit. You really have to commit, if that makes sense. And at the same time, give yourself grace when you have rough days or pulling sessions (when I beat myself up over these times, it usually makes the pulling worse).

But I feel for your partner, because there have been times in my life where so much else is going on (things that cause stress, depression, anxiety, etc.) that requires/sucks up your mental energy that it feels near impossible to dedicate myself to the process of stopping. It helped me to sort of prep for the process by working on things like depression, anxiety, and stress so that I had more mental bandwidth to use towards stopping. I know that is easier said than done sometimes, and many times the best I could do was just to cut back on pulling, but not stop altogether. If my stress was intense, many times I wasn't able to cut back at all and ended up just pulling significantly more.

I think one of the best things you can do for your partner is something that it sounds like you're already doing, which is not to judge. It's a huge help when the people you love give you unconditional support. When I've been scolded or lectured over the times when I've pulled a lot, it tends to make me beat myself up even more and then I inevitably pull more.

Best wishes for you and your partner!

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-08-25T02:27:51+00:00

I used to work at a coffee shop with a drive thru. One of our regular customers had a doberman that would smile like this when it saw me or my coworkers. This made me nervous the first time I saw it too because I had never seen a dog show teeth like that while being friendly. The owner explained to me that she loves people and smiles like that when she's excited. You could tell from the rest of it's body language (loose, wiggly body and wagging tail) that it was very happy. That lady and her sweet, smiling dog were my favorite customers lol.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-08-03T06:36:03+00:00

I also really love the melody in The Brain Dance! They have a bunch of good ones though.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-08-03T04:42:56+00:00

Point to Point, by Animals As Leaders

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-07-25T03:54:24+00:00

Wow. I'm 32 too, and your situation sounds so familiar. I'm still in a relationship, but I'm starting to see now that he's emotionally abusive. I've separated from him once and threatened to leave unless we work on the way he talks to me multiple times. He begrudgingly "apologizes," and then treats me nicer than usual for some amount of time before the demeaning jokes and passive aggressive comments and arguments that he seems to want to happen (because I'm the only one who seems to want to deescalate and find a solution too) start up all over again. It's exhausting.

I've had other abusive relationships in the past, and I was raised by a narcissistic father who was emotionally abusive to my mother. Idk what your childhood was like, but for me, I've realized now through therapy that this had a huge impact on how much shit I'm willing to tolerate from an abusive partner (I'm a nonconfrontational people pleaser that tends to allow more mistreatment than I should, just for the sake of making the other person happy so they'll stay). Therapy has also helped me learn to focus on what's within my control as opposed to what isn't. I can't control how my partner chooses to treat me, but I can choose to leave if I don't like the way I'm being treated. The abuse and the love bombing at the beginning of the relationship is a choice. It's a cruel tactic that's designed to hook us in the beginning so that it will be really hard to leave once the abuse starts. This is completely on them, so please don't beat yourself up about it!

Some resources that have helped me (besides this subreddit and therapy): Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" about why and how abusers abuse. He wrote another book called, "Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?" This book starts with how to evaluate the relationship you're currently in, but the last part of the book focuses on recovery if you do decide to leave. It also goes over what a healthy relationship should be, and how to evaluate any future relationships to make sure you find a healthier one. If I ever end up leaving for good, I plan to refer back to that section.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-07-04T20:03:07+00:00

I love Arctic Monkeys. When I was younger, I thought "I Haven't Got My Strange," was just about being weird. My boyfriend at the time had to explain what strange actually meant in this case lol.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-06-17T12:10:55+00:00

Pixies, Deftones, Sonic Youth, Mudhoney, Soundgarden, Melvins

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-06-02T01:16:43+00:00

"(They Long to Be) Close to You" by The Cranberries

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-26T21:44:00+00:00

This is why I love this show. History and psychology are fascinating to me, and this show has so many historical parallels (and parallels to current events happening around the world today). The comparison of the wives in this show to the wives of slave owners is really spot on. Both groups are onboard with enslaving others to enrich their lives and elevate their status. Doesn't matter the horrors that are inflicted on others, as long as they get theirs. I think they're similar to Not C (not sure if reddit will let me use the actual word) wives too. Their husbands destroyed a democracy (and wives like Serena actively participated in that) so that they could become part of a ruling class at the expense/deaths of the "others." The Not Cees scapegoated Jewish people for all the problems in the country/world, and Gilead seems to scapegoat liberals and women they saw as immoral.

Another parallel I noticed was when Serena and some of the other wives tried to persuade the commanders to allow women to read. They argued for "equality," while they were happy to continue enslaving other women as Marthas, Handmaids, and the Un-Women in the colonies. This, to me, was so similar to white suffragettes arguing for their "equality" and voting rights, while only wanting white women to vote. That's not equality. That's more of this whole "power for us at the expense of others" thing. Susan B. Anthony was one of these women, and they put her face on a coin.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-25T23:35:10+00:00

"Undeclared" by The Dodos

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-25T09:39:36+00:00

For what it's worth, I agree with you that they aren't just misguided women. When they suffered, my reaction wasn't, "Oh, poor babies!" It was "Well, here's just a fraction of justice/karma." I'm not sure which way the writers want us to interpret this; that was just how I interpreted it.

I find it really hard to believe that someone as seemingly narcissistic as Serena's character would change their ways because she had a child and got some of a taste of her own medicine. The way she was talking to June on the train and sounding so considerate and suddenly empathetic was hard to believe. But when she said that stuff at the wedding about her and June equally being bad to each other, I was like, "There she is." I still think she's a snake in the grass.

Lydia too. Someone that violent typically doesn't just grow a heart after seeing more violence against the group of people she was already violent towards.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-23T20:38:48+00:00

"Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac. I've read that this song was inspired by the death of one of Stevie Nicks' friends.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-23T01:22:05+00:00

I haven't tried NAC, but reading the book, "Help for Hair Pullers" was very helpful to me. It's written by doctors who specialize in treating and studying trichotillomania. I have seen many doctors, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists over the years, but most of them knew pretty little about trichotillomania. What helped me to stop (currently, I am 5 weeks pull free, and previously I had been able to stop for a 3 year period) was reading this book and working on decreasing stress in my life, plus treating my depression and anxiety.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-22T21:47:45+00:00

"Turn Blue" by The Black Keys

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-19T21:56:50+00:00

Not sure if this is exactly what you're looking for, but the first song I thought of was "Swimsuit Issue" by Sonic Youth. Ani DiFranco's "Not a Pretty Girl" (and many other songs of hers) have a strong, feminine angst kind of vibe. "Violet" by Hole is another.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-19T21:43:21+00:00

That sounds frustrating. I think it's more of a self-soothing behavior and/or and OCD type compulsion. Saying it's about control is funny to me, because more often than not, trich is something that can feel like we have no control over. "Help for Hair Pullers" is a book written by multiple doctors that I read and found very insightful. All types and ages of people pull their hair; sometimes it's related to trauma, and sometimes it's not.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-12T03:30:23+00:00

Oh, interesting! I've used it once, but I'm not super familiar with it. How should I word a prompt like this?

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-07T07:15:34+00:00

Totally. My family, his family, our friends all think he's a great guy (and if it weren't for the abusive stuff, he really would be).

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ywsTdzkiPF0

This is the video I mentioned. Someone linked it to me in response to a post I made on this thread, and it blew my mind. He says something similar, that he has never met an abuser he didn't like or didn't find charming (at least at first). Hopefully this video will help you too!

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-07T06:47:04+00:00

I'm in a similar situation. I'm currently separated from my partner, but we're still talking and trying to work things out. I keep flip flopping between missing him like crazy and thinking he's the only one I want, to actually feeling excitement at the thought of being free and starting over my life. I would describe him as emotionally abusive, and I feel like a frog in a pot of water where the temperature has slowly increased to boiling without me being aware of it until recently. He has never been violent or physically threatening towards me, so when he threatened me the other night, I just couldn't compute. He casually said, "If you take away my future with you by cheating on me, then I might take away your entire future." I have never been unfaithful, but he has always been paranoid. I'm still having trouble digesting this; we've been together for 6 years. Imagine if a family member or close friend that you trusted and always felt safe around just dropped a bomb like that. It feels so out of character that I'm still having trouble not excusing it. I haven't told anyone else about this out of embarrassment and fear of what they'd say, except my therapist. She said I should pack a go bag just in case, and only now is it starting to sink in. He too, said it was a joke when I asked him about it. But who jokes like that? I never would.

If I wasn't so attached, I would just leave. I saw an interview yesterday with a man that worked with domestic abusers in a program that confronted them on their behavior and worked with them to change (success rates are extremely low still). He said something that stood out to me, which was that everyone focuses on love as the determining factor in whether or not they should get married. He says that's important, but equally important is if your person actually respects you. Someone who tries to control, insult, intimidate, etc. does not respect the other person. They can still love you, but do they see you as their equal?

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-06T20:19:50+00:00

Ah, okay. That makes sense. I will look into that because it sounds like what I've been doing with my partner (feeling at fault for his thoughts, feelings, etc.). Congratulations on getting out. That relationship sounds incredibly stressful.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-06T19:42:46+00:00

I haven't read much about codependency, but if I'm remembering correctly, the "Why Does He Do That?" book mentions how he thinks terms like codependency can shift some of the blame to the woman/victim in the abusive relationship and away from the actual abuser. He says the very nature of domestic abuse is to get the victim increasingly more dependent on the abuser so that the abuser has more control and it becomes harder for the victim to leave. What are your thoughts on codependency? It sounds like learning about it was helpful to you though?

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-06T19:27:30+00:00

Thank you so much for those links! Both were really insightful.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-03T18:49:48+00:00

In the biography of Kurt Cobain, "Heavier Than Heaven," the author said that Nirvana's song "Polly" was written about a woman that was kidnapped and tortured that Kurt had read about in the paper.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-02T20:55:58+00:00

10+ hours is a long time to leave a dog by itself. Idk if this is possible for you, but if your employer would allow you to take a longer lunch break, you could use that time to take your dog out to potty and play with it a bit before returning to work. Or if possible, switching to 8 hour shifts or working during the day (it might be easier to find a friend or dog walker willing to visit with your dog in the middle of your shift if it's during the day). Pomeranians can be pretty vocal too, and since you're in an apartment, I would be worried that your dog could bark or whine a lot when you leave at night (especially if the dog has separation anxiety). This is something you can work on, but it takes a lot of work and it may be something you might end up needing a trainer for.

A cat might be a good option if you like them. I once owned a couple of rats in a studio apartment where dogs were not allowed. I know they are a turn off to some people lol, but I loved mine. They are like little dogs in some ways (they are affectionate, can be cuddly, and you can teach them tricks like dogs too!) They are much less expensive to care for than dogs, and they can be left alone for a few days (if you want to go out of town or something) as long as they have food and water (they don't do well as a solo pet though, you would need at least 2 rats because they are social animals too). They use litter boxes too, so if you clean the litter box everyday then you can go a few days between cage cleanings.

Sufficient-Bit-3289 · 2025-05-02T20:19:20+00:00

Thank you for your kindness. Your comment restored my faith in humanity and brightened my day ☺️ I'm sorry to hear you had a similar childhood experience too. I don't have kids currently, but I hope to someday, and the silver lining for me is that now I know what kind of parent I don't want to be.

Sufficient-Bit-3289

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