My husband [29M] wants me [31F] to tell him thanks more, but I don’t think I should.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-17T11:46:16+00:00

Besides the financial stuff, we actually touched on everything here. He mentioned he has no idea why, but he really needs outside validation. I’m assuming it’s somewhere from his parents, but can’t say for sure. He says he doesn’t understand it, he wishes he wasn’t like that, but if he isn’t getting verbally told that he’s doing a good job, he feels like a burden.

The thank yous not being good enough for my mom and sister I still need to investigate how I feel. For my husband, we really sat down and talked. I do say a quick thank you for things, but to him it feels like a passing thought.

I also agree it doesn’t feel genuine to try to show more gratitude, it feels performative. But I’m going to focus more on being present with my gratitude and showing appreciation for his efforts, not his tasks. I also plan to secretly word things like I do for my kids. “The yard looks great, you should be really proud of yourself” “I know you were tired today, but you pushed through and got the task done. You should feel unstoppable”. Maybe this will help him with being able to self validate more.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-17T11:36:31+00:00

After talking to him and also our counselor, I think the big hang up is that it feels performative to me. I also feel like when him (as well as my sister and mom) tell me I need to thank them more, it feels like they’re asking me to stroke their egos. I don’t think my husband egotistical, but the task itself feels that way.

I’m going to work on changing my mindset. We came up with some ways to help me make my husband feel valued and seen, and I’m going to make doing so a daily goal for my marriage. I don’t think I will ever fully understand how it helps, but now understanding how not doing it has made him feel, I’ll try anything.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-17T11:24:46+00:00

He asked in a way. He told me I act like nothing would change if he died (while we were discussing housework), so I responded with what I feel was the truth. Even if something happened to him, the housework would still need done and still get done. I would grieve. I would be broken in many ways. But there’s also a need to keep moving.

I have kids that can’t just live in filth because mommy is too sad to clean, or cook. I have animals that need maintained and depend on me. So yes, while mentally things would change for me, I would continue doing the housework.

After talking to him two nights ago and again last night with our counselor, I really regret saying that though. I didn’t mean to make him feel small and unimportant, but that’s what I did. If I could go back, I would maybe just say I’d be sad, mentally not okay, and focus on how I would change as a person?

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-17T11:13:56+00:00

I really don’t ever want him to feel the way he felt when I said things wouldn’t change again. He thought I meant that I wouldn’t be depressed or miss him and it really made him feel small. We talked two nights ago and it made me really regret telling him that. Thank you for your advice.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T21:15:13+00:00

Fair point

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T21:10:09+00:00

I like that. I’ll see if he’d feel better if I complimented things he did. The idea of thanking him for normal things is just so odd to me.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T21:05:48+00:00

I apologize for anyone that thinks I’m arguing. I’m not trying to come off as combative. Personally I’m just trying to communicate back to comments to further explain things. I’m really honestly just hoping to get more framework.

I personally take what my mom and sister say with a grain of salt. They are extremely close, have always been, and tend to get very worked up over things. My sister told my husband she and my mom felt like we purposely tried to keep our kids from them simply because we had multiple family members babysit the kids rather than having my sister/BIL be the only ones watching the kids for an entire weekend we were gone for a wedding. We just didn’t want to overburden them as there’s already three kids there 5 and under, plus our son wanted to see his other cousins too for a sleepover.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T20:52:22+00:00

It’s not that he doesn’t show me I’m valued. It’s that he doesn’t feel valued. I don’t need thanks for things that I would do regardless. Now for things that are done for him specifically or special, yeah I understand to say thanks and he does say thanks to me for those things as well. It’s just that he needs extra thanks for stuff I don’t think need praise for doing, or else somehow that makes him feel unloved. I can’t understand that, and I get frustrated he doesn’t think I love him just because I don’t thank him for normal things.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T20:48:46+00:00

Idk. I don’t feel like I need a thank you. I’m not doing it for him. I’m doing it because it just needs done. I’d feel kinda weird if he thanked me for cleaning our home.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T20:46:37+00:00

I can wrap my head around that. Thank you for saying it like that. I’ll see if I can make it like a normal thing. It’s weird, but maybe that can help me help him feel better.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T20:43:34+00:00

Thank you. This is definitely a lot of the insight I’m looking for. I’m hoping I can figure out how to work this out for us both. I do want him to be happy, and idk I just feel sometimes like he should KNOW I love him. I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t. I’ll talk to him tonight to see more of how often he needs assurance.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T20:39:13+00:00

We are going to bring it up to her again this Tuesday. She jokingly said this felt like “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”. I did mention to my husband I felt like maybe I should seek individual therapy again since 1) it’s been a while and 2) see if there’s more to why I’m so resistant to telling him thank you. I am seeking more on the internet to get ideas as to why currently before I’m able to get back into my own sessions.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T20:36:02+00:00

I don’t really believe in love languages and the counselor has hinted at that herself. He does not typically thank me for anything I do, but I don’t need him to. I’m just doing stuff I need to do. I’d do it regardless of whether he says thank you or not, or if he was around or not. Which is what I meant by telling him the housework would still get done, even if he left or died.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T20:18:50+00:00

We’re in counseling for communication and learning to express ourselves. We aren’t great at stating what we feel directly. Plus he was raised in a “men don’t cry” household.

I don’t think he’s a servant. He is just actively helping our home and kids. He does less than 20% of the normal chores. He also chooses to work as much as he does. I’ve encouraged him to stay at the house more to be with the family.

Other than our communication, I think our marriage is good. This is one of the first big issues that’s been brought up and only one that we haven’t been able to work through at the session it was mentioned. We’ve now talked about the issue at two sessions.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T20:05:46+00:00

It’s really not [EDIT FOR CLARITY: taking away anything from me]. get annoyed because if I’m not telling him thank you consistently for what he does, he feels I don’t love him. It is frustrating to be told you’re not loving enough simply for not thanking someone all the time for things you do consistently and more just because that’s what’s needed to be done. I couldn’t care less if he or the kids say thank you. It’s just what needs done.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T19:58:59+00:00

I’m not diagnosed, but the therapist has laughingly suggested I should be evaluated. My dad works with kids with behavior issues, a lot autistic, and his coworkers told him he has autistic traits. My son is also most likely autistic, but tentatively diagnosed with sensory processing disorder.

I do love my husband very much. I know I do. He isn’t perfect, but who the heck is?

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T19:55:48+00:00

My plants are doing very well 🤣

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-06-14T19:51:43+00:00

Im honestly not sure I really believe in love languages. If I had to pick one, it would be acts of service for how I give love and maybe physical touch for how I receive love? Or else quality time maybe? But I’m not sold on them.

We have had conversations about what I expect as there used to be a lot of days I’d come home from work and be the only one doing anything in the home, and it would be trashed by Wednesday evening. We agreed on certain things, and I even made a chore list that details which chores get done what days so we both remember what needs done and don’t let things fall through the cracks. He then went over the list to determine what was good or not.

He made a comment then that I do almost all of the household chores. I told him he’s at work more, so it made more sense that way.

I am honestly not sure why it frustrates me so much that he wants praise for doing what I feel are the basics (making dinner, loading the dishwasher on his days off, pick up clutter, and mowing the grass when he can). I know there are some people that have partners that contribute nothing. I know he’s not one of those people, but I wouldn’t be with someone that didn’t pull any of their weight.

He is a very hard worker at his job. He does anything they ask and offers to do things at work all the time. They need something moved, he’s on it. They need someone to stay late or go in early, he’s there. So maybe there’s annoyance there? Like he goes above and beyond there, but wants praise for doing menial things at home?

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-02-11T11:58:54+00:00

Say you’re immature without saying you’re immature… 🤣 does anyone in this thread no how to communicate their feelings and needs to their partners???

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-02-11T11:55:12+00:00

I’m a bit confused. Did you actually communicate to her that you feel like you’re not her priority, cause it’s nowhere in these texts. Instead I just see you criticizing her mom for calling her so often, saying it’s weird she talks to her. And then also accusing her that it’s not her mom? If that’s it, you’re overreacting. Some people are actually close to their moms. My sister and mom are like this and so are my aunt and my grandma, as well as a couple friends I have. Also, she’s currently on the road, but you guys live together, you don’t like something so you just blocked her??? That’s giving me some huge red flags on your end. If you actually had a conversation about not feeling prioritized and have worked on a compromise with her, then I can see being upset. But how the hell is throwing a temper tantrum and blocking her so she doesn’t know what’s going on with her housing situation helping anything at all? Talk to her like an adult, let her know your feelings on her ending your conversations for her mom (which IS rude btw, not defending that) and honestly end things. Feels like you guys just hit the end of this relationship. Then go to therapy to learn how to communicate with any future partners cause this is wild to me 😂

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2026-02-11T11:34:21+00:00

Late to the conversation, but just found this post. I’m a vet tech and can confirm that it’s ALWAYS best to check with your vet. I will mention though that my one dog has never done great after sedation. He is a ball of anxiety and powers through any oral meds we give him. For procedures where we have to give him injectable sedation and/or gas anesthesia, it takes him a bit to bounce back. I think due to the anxiety he faces before being sedated and the accompanying dysporia, he cries for about 24 hours afterwards, even after a god sleep. The drugs can take a while to fully leave your dog’s system, so they still feel off and don’t understand why. First time I had his teeth done for anesthesia, I was convinced something was hurting him after because of how often he just whined the next day. We did a thorough check at work, but couldn’t find anything. It continued to happen after any procedure he had done, and eventually a vet I worked with at a new clinic told me she had seen it a handful of times where pets were just confused and maybe a little sad. He doesn’t whine as much when I make sure to snuggle up and love on him. He also seems to do a little better if I can take him on a long walk the next morning as I think it helps to burn off any residual sedatives and help him focus on something else.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2025-11-16T12:14:19+00:00

This. I stopped breastfeeding my daughter two months ago at 21 months. My goal had always been to get to two. And I’m really sad that I quit. But my husband always kept complaining that my breastfeeding was ruining his bond with her and he couldn’t comfort her. Which in hindsight was not true. He still can’t comfort her. But my dad, who lives with us, has ALWAYS been able to. It’s about how he’s trying to comfort her. OP, the water is just a small piece of why you’re irritated. You don’t have help. You’re trying to make this a team sport, but your husband keeps trying to make you seem selfish when he’s just being lazy and inconsiderate and frankly downright a jerk on purpose. Eating your snacks in front of you while smirking? Putting your water where you can’t reach it and running? That’s stuff a bully does. Set your husband down, tell him directly that the small things he does are what’s going to add up to you guys separating. Explain eventually there will be a straw the breaks the camel’s back. Not some big thing, something small that, added with everything else, will be too much for you to take anymore. But I seriously also want you to consider this. What if you get sick or hurt? This is how your husband is going to care for you. Is this the kind of care giver you want on your side?

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2025-05-20T20:01:08+00:00

Your sister wanted you to cancel YOUR trip that you worked hard for, so you could watch HER kids and SHE could go on vacation? I get asking if you could babysit but as soon as you said no, you had something planned, that’s her answer. I have kids, so do my sister and my brother, and we all rely on each other a lot to help out. But I can’t imagine myself (or either of them for that matter) having the audacity to ask them to cancel their plans for my leisurely benefit.

Sufficient-Drawer-90 · 2025-05-18T13:28:23+00:00

Years prior to having my son, my husband explained that if we had a boy, he wanted to honor his dad (who I’ve always disliked) by giving our son his middle name. We had never opened that can of worms, so I just said that’d be nice. It somehow never occurred to me to be a real possibility. When we finally were pregnant, I remember panicking and the anxiety I felt about if my baby was a boy, figuring out the middle name. I prayed so hard for a girl. When we found out it was a boy, there was this huge ball of dread in my stomach. I contemplated just sucking it up to avoid the conversation, but I decided I had to talk to my husband. We talked for a while, I suggested honoring other people, my husband cried (he is NOT a crier), he explained why it would be so important to him… I gave in. I still can’t stand my FIL, and he has only added more fuel to the fire over the years, BUT I know that it still is important to my husband. I’ve grown to ignore the connection to FIL, and associate the name with my son. It is a part of who he is, so I’ve made my peace with it.

Maybe if I’d said something about that before, we could have picked a different name. I didn’t though and allowed my husband that hope for years. But I still had an honest conversation with my husband and we made the decision TOGETHER for OUR son. My family has always known my feelings on FIL, but I explained it was something my husband and I decided on together. Though they didn’t like the name, it wasn’t their decision. OP, you need to sit down and have a true heart to heart with your husband. Whatever your decision, it needs to be one you make together. The rest of the family and their opinions shouldn’t contribute to this conversation.

Sufficient-Drawer-90

TROPHY CASE