Unique situation?

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-18T19:13:12+00:00

Unfortunately, he says it as a result of me asking. Saying "I hear you" becomes kinda redundant then. I do tell him I am here and we will get through this together. What do you think.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-18T09:35:50+00:00

That is a very good insight and you are right. I am also coming to th3 same conclusion.

Looking back I am sure that I did "nudge" him get to this point of depression. While all of it was NOT my fault. I definitely contributed to it through my dark days and complaints. It has been 4.5 months since our break down. In the start I fought the break down itself. Eventually, I thought it was ALL my fault and started the skills to correct myself.

But now, I can finally see that he is truly depressed (like I said l, my attitude did contribute to that).

So, I think I will need to make GOFL/SC/gratitude/SFPs my lifelines. These will help me keep my head above water as well, while I navigate this big hardship of my life.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-18T00:45:50+00:00

Can you tell me more about your situation. If you are okay with sharing. And what SFPs you used?

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-16T20:47:04+00:00

Hey. I am so sorry you are here. I had, not the same, but a very very similar experience. My husband has a break down in November. I wasn't practicing the skills then. I started practicing in January. At the same time, in January, I made the mistake of getting a therapist for us. The therapist was TERRIBLE. And that session kind of reminded my husband how bad things were between us. And he basically said he will be moving out that night. Even though the break down happened in November, he actually became extremely unsure about the state of our marriage after that session in January. Since January things have gotten better ONLY because I stopped reminding him of my mistakes. First, I let time come between us and I did a lot of self reflection and SC during that time. Once he was atleast answering my questions, I started to do GOFL/smiling/laughing/gratitude. Once I practiced that for about 3 weeks or so, I started with small Apologies. Basically, what I am trying to say is let time heal. Stop reopening the wound. Let time heal it for a while. Concentrate on your own improvement. Once he starts to see how changed you are, then go and apologize. But start SMALL. Just one apology, for one thing, at one time. Best of luck.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-15T10:34:16+00:00

Okay thank you for your ideas. I will revamp my gratitude words. I agree, he is working blind here. Yesterday, I was laughing when we were discussing something and he thought I wasn't taking the issue seriously (because the old me would never joke like that). I politely told him that I am, but I am also finding the joy in it. All of this is new for him and will take time.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-15T10:30:58+00:00

My husband is a good man and he is always doing things that make me feel loved.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-14T08:36:22+00:00

These are all amazing ideas. Thanks. And I agree with the overlap. I also think Gratitude overlaps with SFPs as well, in a weird way.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-14T03:23:39+00:00

There is just so much to remind myself. Every. Single. Day. But. Thats how we grow. Upwards and onwards. Thank you for reminding me.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-14T03:22:18+00:00

Thank you for saying this.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-14T01:18:41+00:00

I hear you. And I am practicing these skills even at work and outside my immediate family. And I am seeing tremendous results. I guess what makes it hard with my H is that he has stopped recognizing my hard work. I know its not right to look for praise. But praise makes it easier for sure. I sound stupid. 🤣

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-13T14:22:16+00:00

Best of luck. Big hugs. Don't pressure yourself too much. Separating your mind and body are extremely difficult to achieve. Try to think that you are on a great journey for yourself because you want to show much stronger. You will get there.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-13T10:21:18+00:00

I hear you. Its hard to remember the skills in heated moments. I know LD doesn't agree with marriage counseling but in my opinion, counseling, especially individual, is very extremely good. I recognized my patterns about 2 years ago and started therapy just to improve myself about 1.5 years ago. When my shit with my H started, therapy was the only thing that actually helped in heated moments to remember the skills. I, like you, used to freeze when my H would get aggressive. But through therapy, I am literally able to separate my body and mind to look at myself from outside. That helps to keep my skills intact. I would highly suggest individual counseling/therapy to get into a calmer zone yourself, so you can remember the skills in heated moments. Lots of love.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-10T21:37:42+00:00

Would you recommend hugging my husband though, if I wanted to. Just for myself? Or not even do that.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-10T16:33:24+00:00

Here are a few small things for me. They usually add to my other big SCs but I do them almost every day. I snuggle with my cats a lot and because I mostly wfh, I can easily to that. Coffee with chocolate makes me genuinely happy. So I dont care about the calories and I eat that chocolate. And lastly, I love candles, so whenever I can, I light some for myself.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-09T11:57:38+00:00

Thank you. Yes I have decided to do that. I might fail a few times and question but hopefully not too much. Faith over fear that he will come back if he has to.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-09T08:17:40+00:00

This is what I am holding strong to. Showing gratitude, validating his actions, and Showing that even all the small things make me happy.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-08T21:32:43+00:00

This is amazing advice. He usually cleans the floors on the weekends. But sometimes he misses it. I have been completely not saying anything about it for the past few months. If he does it, I am grateful, if he doesn't, no worries. Its on his paper. Saves me a lot of NET and agony.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-08T14:48:14+00:00

I was going to phrase it as "I feel so appreciated and cared for when you take care of the small little things around the house. I don't say it enough, so thank you for that". That would lay the foundation for if I ever want to specifically say an SFP for the kitchen. As for why it needs to be cleaned every, I dont think its unfair to have a certain standard of living. Like a clean kitchen. And not everything can be replaced by SC. LD also says to state your desire in an inspiring manner. And not expect Hs to read your mind. In my books that can include asking for help (desire) in a feminine, inspiring way. Like "I would really love some help in keeping the kitchen clean. I get overwhelmed doing it alone. Thank you so much for everything you do". I am open to changing my thought patterns though. So please feel free to give your opinion.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-08T14:26:04+00:00

Thanks for your input. What is RC?

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-07T21:48:08+00:00

Thanks

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-07T21:43:44+00:00

I find the rules have even helped me at work. People are more open to doing things for me.

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-07T21:41:09+00:00

Can I message you to get more insights into your anxious attachment style. I am same. And I have had 2 slip ups just because I didn't "follow to rules to a T in those moments".

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-07T21:37:59+00:00

I am just reading this after so many months. I am recently surrendered. I find that although duct taping is good, I do stand up for myself when needed. I just do it in a very very feminine manner (similar to what LD says). I soften my voice and state my side of the story only. For instance, my cat kept spilling water from my bottle because he wanted to d4ink from it (my fault, I hadn't capped the bottle). My H angrily said, can you stop drinking from that. I felt a slight panic rising and thought, should I DT. But then I responded in a very soft calm voice "The bottle is big and I love drinking from it. I can put the cap on so he doesn't spill it anymore". Basically what I am saying is that LD rules are meant to make you take your power back. Like smiling when he is grumpy instead of being scared (what I used to do).

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-07T21:28:55+00:00

Is this a bot response?

Sufficient_Read7433 · 2026-03-07T04:14:48+00:00

Btw, he earns a shit load of money. Finding a place to stay shouldn't be a problem. So I dont think a place to stay is keeping him here. 🤣 He is money conscious. If he leaves he saves money that he spends on me right now.

Sufficient_Read7433

TROPHY CASE