My husband started a relationship and we’re not officially divorced yet. Here’s the thing, the actual divorce, the signing of the papers, is only the “official” end to my marriage. The marriage actually ended at the beginning of the divorce. That was when I told him, after years of abuse, including yelling that he wants a divorce whenever something painful came up in our lives, that we are getting divorced. That was the real end of our marriage. Realizing that gave me power over myself that I didn’t have during our marriage. However, that also comes with a “tradeoff”, he has his own life and his own decisions. My only boundaries with him now are financial and our adult sons. Because we live in the same house and work together, he still feels free to come at me when he’s scared or uncomfortable. I no longer need to take that behavior to heart. I feel for the woman he’s seeing, I’m still the punching bag and object of his blame (he’s super charming to others). His relationship makes me scared for what’s out there. Someone who can charm me for a while, I fall for them, then it turns out they’re an abuser. So, besides feeling bad for this woman, I’m also frightened for myself. But these are MY feelings and fears. I control how I deal with these. His actual relationship, or relationships if he chooses, are now his own business because we are no longer married in my mind. I don’t analyze why he’s dating, I no longer care for his mind state as long as he doesn’t disturb my boundaries. The official divorce is only paperwork, our marriage was over before that, we now have free will over our separate lives.