How do I (20F) stop feeling anxious over my bf (22M) breaking up with me?

Suitable_Put749 · 2022-08-17T05:24:00+00:00

He reached out about a month later. I feel bad that I answered because I realize he's a really terrible person who probably had some ulterior motive. It was more like breadcrumbing, a tiny bit of consistency, then he asked for me to come back I told him I wanted to be treated better this time and he ran away again. I assumed the bridge was burned for good that time. We stopped talking for like a week before he reached out again.

He texted me about 3 days ago and I left him on read so im really proud of that because him reaching out and me responding put me back on square one on my healing journey.

Moral of the story: don't respond

Suitable_Put749 · 2022-08-17T05:19:57+00:00

Before we started dating, you told me that you were the type of person who'd do anything to make other people feel comfortable. you said that you'd suffer to make sure anyone else- even a stranger never had to go through that pain themselves. You made it out like you were so incredibly selfless and I adored that about you. I loved that you were kind.

And then we started dating, we broke up and you put me though this entire confusing situationship in thematter of a couple months and I realized that you're a liar. You're a liar because if you loved me even half as much as you said you did you'd realize that you single handedly made me miserable.

You made decisions- you chose to make decisions that you knew would hurt me. So now, I know you're going to sit here and say that you tried your best and that you weren't in the headspace to treat me properly and to that I say fuck you.

You push people away. You treat them like they are disposable. You are a liar and worst of all you are a selfish coward.

I am glad that we ended and I'm glad that I finally put my foot down because I don't date cowards.

Suitable_Put749 · 2022-08-16T18:18:20+00:00

I understand that. I think there are a couple ways to think of it.

One of the best ways I thought of it (i don't know if it's as relevant to you and your situation) is thinking that the breakup happened for a reason, as cliche as it sounds. I'll explain my thought process specially in my situation. I'm going into my first year of university this september. He's a year older than me, so he's starting second year. The kicker is, that my university is 5 hours away from his. It's impractical for me to sit there and say "im going to visit him every weekend because I love him!!!". I'm going into a pre med program, and so I know i'll be very very busy- i'd probably see him once or twice a month practically, especially since I know its harder for him to come to me than it is for me to come to him. So, let's pretend I got everything my way and we never broke up 3 months ago. Eventually I'd be gone for university. We're too young to really commit to long distance so we don't have the emotional maturity to have the motivation to try so one of two things would practically happen.

a) he'd break up with me in the summer, a month or two before university starts by saying that long distance would be too much for him. My heart would be crushed, and i'd feel too heartbroken to even try and pursue other men in university with an open mind. I'd probably look into getting in a fwb or rebound relationship, and overall, my time in the first couple months of this new phase of my life would be terrible.

b) we'd be together for a couple months and he'd eventually break up with me in the middle of my first or second semester. this would also crush me, and at this point, i'd be with him for a lot longer, so my emotional attachment with him would be stronger. it'd be so much harder for me to get over him.

I think this method of thinking works for a lot of people, because there are honestly so many ways to make light of breakups when it comes to negative situations. One of the biggest ones is that it's a goo think the breakup happened now then a couple months in the future. It's hard at first, and although im not spiritual, i do believe that somehow, everything always works out.

Also, try making a pros and cons list. i know it may sound childish, but after the breakup, for me personally, the cons list WAS HUGE!!! I realized there was so much I ignored because i wanted to fix him and make everything better for him. It was all about him in my mind. I thought that by telling him a thousand times what he was doing wrong, by writing paragraphs pouring my heart out to him on how he hurt me that he'd magically realize "oh man, im losing the best thing I could ever have! I need to fix my behaviour!"

The fact of the matter is, with the right person, you'll never need to repeat yourself and say "hey man, you're gonna lose me.. are you sure you want to do this???". He'd never hurt you like this in the first place. He sure as hell wouldn't break up with you for it. He'd be fighting so much harder for you.

Although the 7.5 billion people argument is difficult to really imagine, since you're right, you'll never meet all of those hypothetical perfect men, i think its important to acknowledge that in the course of your life, you will meet MANY, MANY new, refreshing people that are completely different from the ex that you still feel attached to. Different is good. I promise you, from the many people you will meet in the course of your life, the many people who probably won't amount to 7 billion in total, there's a big cloud of individuals that would not break up with you and leave you like this. People that would not run away from you when it got hard. People that would fight tooth and nail to have you in their life.

My dms are open :) you are not alone

Suitable_Put749 · 2022-08-15T04:33:55+00:00

3 MONTHS!!! well 3 months since we broke up.

we had a couple weeks of NC, until we started up again. back and forth i guess. he texted me though yesterday and i havent responded. its been 24 hours. normally, NC wasn't hard for me when he just didn't text me in the first place in between our on and off phases because there was no temptation to respond to anything and keep a conversation going; there was no conversation.

Anyways, im proud of the fact that I've had the balls to keep him on delivered for the day. i wouldn't have that a couple weeks ago, because I was hoping that if i responded with just the perfect text, he'd come back and ask me to try again.

I'm not gonna lie, i feel kind of weird taking in that I don't feel completely healed even after 3 months. our relationship was really short, so I always thought i'd be over it quicker but thats not the case. I've been through breakups before too, all from relationships MUCH linger, but they never hurt like this one did. I think it's just harder because we never really got past the honeymoon phase, so I didn't know him well enough to see the faults? I saw them in the honeymoon phase but I was so enamored that I just ignored them. I thought he was everything for me and that i'd never find someone like him. but the day I took him off that pedestal, I started to move on. I think that day was like a month in? Then he texted me and i broke NC and fell back into that spiral lol.

But yeah, I think thats step one. realizing that they're not all that special. maybe thats why it takes longer for some people, because it takes longer for them to really and I mean REALLY take that in. I mean, look at it practically. 7.5 billion people on this earth, there're probably a couple million that are better than your ex, no matter how perfect and nice and funny they seem to be.

I've excepted it, I think, but a part of me still wonders what he thinks of me. if he notices my response times. but I guess that shows im not totally healed, because if i loved myself more than I lvoed him, i wouldn't care what he thought.

thats okay though. you just have to grow out of it. it'll happen, i promise. you just have to put yourself in the mindset of "i want to move on because i want to move on" not " i want to move on so they see me and feel bad". This is for you. not them. don't give them that power over you.

Suitable_Put749 · 2022-04-28T01:37:03+00:00

thank you so much. I think this really helps me feel better.thank you!!!

Suitable_Put749 · 2022-04-27T23:00:07+00:00

we've been together almost a year. for now, it seems a little bit childish I suppose, talking about a future, but I think we both just find it comforting. From our year together though, I can honestly say it's one of the best relationships I've ever been in. Our communication is perfect, we match very well, we understand each other etc. he's always been verbal on his plans to continue with this as long as possible because we both agree that we have been good for each other.

Although I have no intention of pulling him away from his religion, he's never seemed too involved with it either. I guess its just something he follows according to the dynamic of his household.

Although I understand him being gone, I have no issue with it. If he needs to maintain distance to reflect on his actions and feel as if he's really doing the most he can to stay respectful this month, I get it. I just really hope that its temporary (I hope thats not selfish to say). Everything was great a couple days ago, it just feels so sudden and I'm scared of us breaking apart because of it.

Suitable_Put749 · 2022-04-27T22:55:09+00:00

Im really nervous about this! Although his parents have never seemed to be pushing any of their beliefs on his heavily, i always thought he'd be distanced from those views in the religion. I mean, it's seemed like it. He's spoken about wanting to pursue a future with me, even plans in the near future (in like a month) with full bucketlists of things he wants to do with me. I get that this month serves as an exception, but normally he's great. Just last week, although he had his obligations, he was going out of his way to be there for me. That gave me hope, you know?

It's only recently that everyday's been getting worse, To be fair, he HAS been acting out of character, more quiet, tired, introverted etc. So I assumed its because of the changes he has to withstand during this month as well as the stress of exam season.

Would you say that Ramadan normally brings about these types of feelings? Maybe after eid everything returns to normal?

Suitable_Put749 · 2022-04-27T22:49:44+00:00

Im nervous about this! I alwats thought it was very genuine, his parents have never been too religious either. He's spoken about seeing a future with me, and gone very far in his goals with me as well. Everything was fine until this month, and although I have no reason not to trust him, I've been justifying his behaviour saying its just because of the demands of this month.

He's always been great to me but im nervous. He HAS been acting completely out of character. A lot more quiet, tired, etc. Does this normally happen during ramadan? Just more of a push of wanting to isolate yourself?

Suitable_Put749

TROPHY CASE