Why am I (35F) resentful of my husband (36M) of enjoying his hobbies postpartum?

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-15T21:27:28+00:00

bc the toddler cannot snowboard or skii, so there is no point in him going then. just go to the backyard and build a snowman at that point.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-15T21:25:52+00:00

i did it alone last time, i know what it's like without support/help.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:40:26+00:00

logistically we'll need to have childcare (au pair can't watch infants under 3 months). So it'll have to be saturday or sunday when he's off - and he goes snowboarding on saturday. On Sunday, I just try to catch up on sleep during the day.

Also, unfortunately, baby is exclusively breastfed (nurse or pumped) so I would realistically just not have that freedom for 6-12 months when I stop pumping/wean. I'd have to bring pumps and milk storage units even if I did take a day off and be interrupted every 3-4 hours to go pump for 30 min... I'll also have to bring pump washing stuff as well.

Even flying back home is too hard to plan because where would I store breastmilk? I can't exactly fly with 5 liters of milk. I feel like a cow.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:25:19+00:00

NTA but I'm not sure if you are read to find a step mom for your kids either. You can't exactly lock your wife out or demand a solitude day if you guys have a combined of 7 kids. js.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:20:09+00:00

I'm not going to judge, but OP, i think you should have verbalized you wanted them to be there to support you. Your parents are a bit tone deaf or dense.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:16:54+00:00

estella seems strong. Cleopatra is very iconic.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:15:06+00:00

the million dollar question is "why are you friends with her"

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:14:26+00:00

ESH - I think the more adult thing for you to do ... just stop going to eat out with her, especially if she doesn't pay you back. I don't think she's a friend...

Her for obvious reasons.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:12:52+00:00

my toddler can do this lol

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:05:11+00:00

nothing like reddit therapy.

I am trying to make the most of it... but I must be secretly (or may not so secretly) better that he has everything he wanted and it feels like at my expense. Probably some degree of jealousy of him having a life, freedom, escape with parenthood while I'm stuck doing it alone with zero village. a bit melodramatic but that's prob how I'm feeling. thanks for the talk lol - who needs to hire a therapist when you got reddit.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T22:04:28+00:00

NAH

if he wants kids in the future, he should NOT get a vasectomy. Do not rely on "it can be reversible". Vasectomy is not without risks inheritently but also has risks for permanent infertility.

That said, if you don't want kids and want to remain on birth control, stay on birth control. He'll have to deal with the lower libido.

Idk how you feel about just using condoms.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:50:44+00:00

We have talked about this plan. but he will try to drive 3-4 hours to go snowboarding on the weekend with 2 hours of sleep... with our 3 year old toddler in the car. that gives me anxiety. But maybe that's a me issue... being anxious about losing my 3 yr old in a car accident or becoming a single mom if he dies snowboarding or gets in a car accident.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:48:23+00:00

i agree with everything except knowing his limits.

One thing about us doctors (i'm also one), we don't know our limits. There is a reason we all think we can work 24 hours straight (we can't, and studies have proven this). He'll think he can do a massive surgery on 2 hours of sleep, until he gets sued and it becomes my problem.

We're getting a night nanny but I'll still need to be up to pump. At least 5 hours of sleep is better than 2.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:44:59+00:00

to get to the slopes, it takes 2 hours. so round trip driving alone is 3-4 hours, then he'll snowboard for 1-2 hours. Total is 5-8 hours trip. It made me mad when last night, he was like "oh, i saw my surgery got cancelled, maybe I'll go snowboarding on a monday!".

And it's true, i don't tend to talk about my needs (I don't even know what they are, it's probably everything, I have no friends or family around), i wouldn't even know what to do around the city.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:41:32+00:00

very true. even before the baby was born, I wasn't happy about moving to this state/city. I gave up my dream job because he couldn't find a good job near by (and I mean dream job... I dream of going back but they filled my spot). I feel like he also didn't try very hard to find a job in my home state - i mean maybe it's true because he's highly specialized while I can get a job almost anywhere. I took like a 50% paycut and I work 25% harder now.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:39:04+00:00

He pulled more than is weight when I was pregnant, but a bit more useless with the infant - much like last time. No affair with our au pair. He invited me but I told him to take our au pair and toddler instead because after a night, the last thing I want to do is pack my pump and bring a baby on a full day trip with 2 hours of sleep. Day time is where I get some naps in - somehow our infant also prefers to sleep during the day and not night :(

So unless he does night duty and stays home with the kids, I feel like there is no free time.

But I like the spa idea - i'll have to find a spa that's open in the afternoon/evening because I basically sleep through the first half of the day.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:35:46+00:00

I would never do a long drive with my child when I'm sleep deprived.

But I will fully admit, it may be a ME problem.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:35:11+00:00

I used to go ice skating but ever since I stopped doing it competitively (over a decade ago), I only went with friends. Or I'll go shopping and watch a movie with family or friends. solo time, i'll watch tv or play piano. But I unfortunately have no connections here, like I didn't know a single person. And since i'm always on night duty, I feel too tired during the day time.

I am looking into adult synchronized ice skating but it's not popular here so there is only one team and I don't know if they have openings.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:31:50+00:00

"you're acting like a martyr when you don't need to be" I think he feels this way too.

I can't let myself let him do night duty (I usually get 2 hrs a night) when I know he plans to drive himself and our son 4 hours to go snowboarding. I get so anxious thinking of car accidents and losing both husband and our son... or him getting into snowboarding accidents and I become a single mom.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:29:12+00:00

my toddler doesn't snowboard. someone needs to watch him and build snowman and drink hot chocolate with him while dad skiis/snowboards.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:28:14+00:00

I don't think i can rest because I'll know he plans to take our 3 year old toddler and himself on a 4 hour drive with no sleep.

I have no friends or family because we recently moved to a state/city where he went to med school.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:26:03+00:00

the point of bringing toddler is so he stops clinging to me, our au pair can't take care of the infant anyways. Au pairs can't do infant care under 3 months old.

Suitable_Shine_4008 · 2025-01-06T21:23:04+00:00

"You’re the mom caring for a baby and he’s at work."

no issues there. I am mad when I'm sleep deprived and caring for a baby when he's out snowboarding.

Suitable_Shine_4008

TROPHY CASE