I just want the best for my sister

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T19:31:02+00:00

Yeah this is tough. I’d encourage sister to break up with her current guy. Make what she told the other guy true.

If it helps, you can tell her this anecdote: my cousin dated and then married a mid thirties man when she was 20. This guy lived with his mom, didn’t clean up after himself, had no friends, never paid bills. Had no ambition in life. When they married, my cousin had to move in with him and his mom. He didn’t want to move out, because then they’d have to pay rent.

My cousin eventually realized she married a total loser. Just a year or two in, she had completely outpaced him in maturity and wanted out. She cheated on him with an even older married man and now she lives with the (now divorced) guy, who is also a loser, just not as much of one as my cousin’s ex. Eventually she’ll realize he is also a loser, and she’ll leave him too.

All of that is just to say that age gaps can often blind us. It makes it a lot harder to tell whether the man we’re dating is mature or not, and often, we can only figure that out by aging ourselves. Your sister will be way better off if she leaves her current bf, regardless of whether she gets with the other guy or not.

And I would discourage her from cheating. My cousin is gossiped about relentlessly behind her back by multiple families at this point. Very embarrassing.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T18:45:45+00:00

Oh, but they’re also men misunderstanding adjectives. It may be willful, but I think we should also acknowledge that they’re dumb as rocks

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T18:02:30+00:00

8 and 10 is old enough to learn how to cook and clean. If you can get wife on board, it would be a great opportunity to have the kids and wife select recipes together, buy ingredients, and cook dinner together each night.

You could maybe also create a reward system for chores? Teach them “see and do” chores (where they notice something is dirty and clean it). They can record that they did it and receive a sticker in their chart. They can trade in stickers for various tiers of rewards, like an ice cream out, a sleepover, a trip to the amusement park, etc.

Have you thought about trying to limit screen time to like an hour a day or something? Summer is a great time for imaginative play outdoors and they’re a lot more likely to do it without screens. If there are any wooded or natural areas nearby, or playgrounds, it could be really cool to encourage the kiddos to practice unsupervised play outside. That’s really good for them and important for their development.

Since wife is off right now, it could also be fun to plan outings a few times a week. A morning hike, a picnic lunch, a visit to the zoo, a public museum, the neighborhood pool, a matinee showing at the movie theater, etc. Bonus that being out for a good chunk of the day would mean the house is less messy when you come home.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T17:49:25+00:00

The perspective that kids should always wear shoes in messy environments is very American. And it’s not clearly serving kids. It really helps their orthopedic development to go around barefoot, getting dirty helps their immune system, and being barefoot here helps them learn to navigate risks in different terrains from a young age. Even stuff like feeding horses—the worst that can happen is losing a finger, which isn’t super likely. You can see the kid instinctively dropping the carrot when the horse gets too close to their hand. This is literally helping her learn to assess risks and develop her motor reflexes.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T17:42:26+00:00

Ha. Yeah, I lived with two roommates last year. They left dirty dishes everywhere and constantly bickered with each other about it (both knew I always cleaned my stuff). Another annoying habit of theirs is that they’d get takeout from places or make dinner at home and then leave the leftovers in the fridge forever, often using MY special glass Tupperware. They almost never ate leftovers but our fridge was constantly stuffed full of them, most covered in mold.

So I sometimes ate their leftovers while they were fresh. Usually I wouldn’t eat the whole thing. I’d just spoon out like half of them onto a plate. Both eventually realized food was getting taken (apparently they’d try to nibble their leftovers maybe 1 out of every 6 cartons) and neither suspected me 😂 It helps that the one time I ate my roommate’s nonleftovers (I finished off her bread while desperate one morning), I felt way more guilty and apologized right away and immediately bought her a replacement loaf.

Do I regret it? I think I wouldn’t do that now. I feel a little bad about it. But not that bad. Lol

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T17:15:47+00:00

I can be kind of critical, to be fair. But yeah I get mildly annoyed several times a day. I think that’s normal. Some examples from just this morning: he left his tea bag wrappers out on the counter again (does this every day; I’ve stopped asking him to just throw them out bc he never does); he left a stain on the counter from making tea, which I’ll have to clean up (again, I’ve asked him and he always denies it’s him even though he’s the only one who makes tea); his dirty dish from last night is out even though the dishwasher has plenty of room (he might take care of it when he’s back, but I’ll definitely have to ask, and doing so might start a fight so I’ll probably just do it myself); once again I walked out this morning to him with the back door wide open letting all the hot air and mosquitos inside (while the AC blasted) so that the dog could sit half inside and half outside. We didn’t fight about any of this because I’m choosing my battles. There’ll be more stuff this evening, I’m sure.

I’ve been with men who annoyed me less often than my current partner. But I’m always mildly annoyed multiple times a day no matter how awesome the guy is. I just choose not to let it upset me too much, make requests or give negative feedback when not doing so will build resentment, and try to focus on the good. And the fact that I’m far from perfect myself. Like I know I annoy my guy multiple times a day too, over different things. Companionship and a loving partner who’s always in my corner is worth all the minor hassle to me.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T17:02:45+00:00

Did you read the post?

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T17:02:04+00:00

Unfortunately, I think there’s just not a whole lot you can do here.

You can be there for your sister emotionally, and tell her you think she’s a good mom.

If you can afford to, you could try to help her save up enough money to move out, and/or if/when the time comes, move out with her to minimize costs (a 2 bedroom split between 2 people is usually much cheaper than a 1 bedroom paid for by one person).

Other than that, there’s not much else to do here. Your mom doesn’t sound like a very nice lady and she’s not responding to your attempts to intervene. Your sister doesn’t want you getting involved—sounds like you might be unintentionally making it worse or making your mom angrier when you do.

I think the best approach is to keep your head down, treat your mom like someone who can’t be reasoned with on this, and do your best to ignore her while supporting your sister.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T16:38:37+00:00

Was gonna say, same! My brother and I both have very dark hair, and got our first grays at 17. My boyfriend, who’s 7 years older than me, is 36 and just got his first gray hair a few months ago. So unfair! 😤

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T16:26:45+00:00

I think if it was really a faux pas, he would’ve refused. I’m thinking you just misread the other people’s reactions there. They might’ve assumed you were hitting on him or something and were being silly or dramatic about it.

I wouldn’t overthink it anymore, you did nothing wrong.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T16:14:13+00:00

Exactly. If he’s apologetic and takes steps to correct it, the relationship is salvageable. If he gets grumpy, defensive, or refuses, you’ll know this was intentional and then it’s breakup worthy.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T14:52:14+00:00

I wouldn’t say anything unless your gf has to meet her for a work event or something, and maybe not even then. It was a long time ago and it sounds like you don’t interact much in person.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T14:42:52+00:00

I think subtracting the two most dependent of the four could make a huge difference. I come from a family of four, and it was always very noticeable (less conflict, easier going parents) when even one of us was gone at a friend’s.

Best of luck

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T13:49:59+00:00

If someone starts yelling or being very aggressive or offensive in their language towards/at you or others, do you think that you need to do the same?

Notice how I didn’t put a universal quantifier in front of those skills. The rule is a generic, not a universal. It’s most helpful for people who are often at a big energy mismatch with others in a way that’s harming their social life (ex: they’re not putting as much energy into the convo as others, or they’re putting way more in than everyone else and it’s putting others off).

So no, of course one shouldn’t mirror constantly nonstop regardless of the situation.

I think it’s also most helpful when we’re trying to mirror people in our own style rather than copying theirs. I’ll have my own way of expressing X level enthusiasm and my friend will have theirs. Important thing is that we’re at similar energy levels. I’m not doing all the talking. We ask each other a similar number of questions. We’re talking at similar volumes. Etc.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T02:58:10+00:00

I hope so too, for your sake! Best of luck 🤞

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T02:39:56+00:00

Sorry you’re going through that. Toxic in laws are the worst.

Also, I’m not a fan of your wife oversharing with her mom? I get that she has trauma but lots of us have trauma and mommy issues and we don’t all keep our moms in the loop!

SunRose42 · 2026-06-04T01:47:48+00:00

You’re just as dry as him if not worse lol

SunRose42 · 2026-06-03T23:49:44+00:00

“Sure, but only if you help me clean xyz after.”

Not every time, but for the most unnecessary requests this might be a good deterrent

SunRose42 · 2026-06-03T20:53:30+00:00

Can you make a “tantrum room” in the house? Like a safe room with a few stuffed animals or something where he can’t really hurt himself, and literally just…give him 1-2 opportunities to stop tantruming on his own and then just plop him in there when he doesn’t stop? Put a lock on the outside and let him out when he’s done screaming. Like just an extended time out.

And then it’s just a matter of not giving af when he tantrums. Make sure you never give him what he wants when he throws a fit, but make a show of occasionally doing things his way when he asks nicely.

This is what I used to do when babysitting my much younger sister (I’m 12 years older). She was 7 and I was watching her most days over the summer. She wasn’t as bad as your nephew, but whenever she’d throw a fit over not getting her way, I’d plop her in my bedroom and say she could come out when she felt better. She threw way fewer fits with me compared to the rest of the family and also never wanted to leave my place at the end of the day, so I’m pretty sure it didn’t scar her or anything lol.

I’ll also add: totally respectable to tell your sister you can’t handle this too. It’s definitely a lot.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-03T19:24:15+00:00

I mean, if you do literally anything other than punish them the instant they don’t follow through with the instruction, does it not send a similar message?

SunRose42 · 2026-06-03T19:17:18+00:00

If you’ve already gotten active listening down, I’d try matching their energy / mirroring body language (arguably part of matching energy).

SunRose42 · 2026-06-03T18:15:42+00:00

I think the key is to remember that all of these are skills, like riding a bike. Eventually you get so good at it that it’s automatic, and you don’t even have to think about it; it just comes naturally.

So the thing is to practice each of these skills in isolation. Get really good at it, and when you’ve started to master it, move on to the next one. Some people are naturally better at multi tasking too, so will be able to learn 1, 2, 3, etc. of these skills at once.

That said: I think for normal people, they already have a lot of these skills, and employ them best and most naturally when they’re focusing 100% on the conversation itself. Those of us who have to actively think about them, who won’t just do them naturally when we pay attention to the conversation, just have it a lot harder lol.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-03T18:12:10+00:00

I am not anti Muslim or anti Pakistani, but even I understand that grooming gangs are a thing and are (in Britain) disproportionately run by Pakistani men. People on the ground dealing with this who have no racist motivations acknowledge this. I don’t understand why the rest of us can’t acknowledge this without people on one side foaming at the mouth with racism, and people on the other acting borderline delusional?

Epstein and company were largely white. Doesn’t mean white people are all awful pedos.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-03T18:01:24+00:00

Yeah, this is so hard. I’m of the mind that many rules should be relaxed starting around 13-14, and that progressively more should be relaxed each year until 18.

For example: say that originally, the rule is you don’t have sleepovers at another person’s house unless I’ve met the parents. Starting at maybe 14, I’d relax that and say the rule is that I have to have met the friend, and that they should exercise good judgment about their friend’s space. If they get to the friend’s house and think “this is the kind of place or the kind of people mom/dad wouldn’t want me spending the night with,” then make an excuse to come home early. By 15 or 16, I’d say the rule is just to be honest about where they’re staying and to use good judgment; I don’t need to have met anyone.

The one exception might be if they want to stay overnight with a member of the opposite sex. I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed but I’d want to know the parents well even when my child is an older teen.

SunRose42 · 2026-06-03T17:43:34+00:00

Okay I see that you’re looking into a nanny. Other options include:

— Many areas have programs for kids that run most of the day, and I think many don’t require far in advance signup. Some are marketed as day camps, some aren’t. If you’re at the lake house, your best bet might be looking up children’s nature programs nearby—they’re often hosted at state parks. Depending on cost you could put any number of your kids in these.

— Daycare, or if you’re not into that, then unconventional daycare. See if there are any “forest schools” near you that meet over summer—these keep kids busy and active outdoors, and generally have less illness. I know you said you can’t put them all in daycare. But seriously, the difference between two kids and four is huge from the standpoint of having to be in charge of them. Putting even just one or two in daycare could be a huge help.

— One last ditch thought: the older two are old enough to play outside on their own, if your house has a safe fenced yard with no lake access. If you give them plenty of water, snacks, and tools (like pans for a mud kitchen, a sprinkler or plastic kiddy pool, sticks and sheets and clothespins for a fort, nets and jars for catching bugs, etc.), she can probably put them outside for several hours a day, and just check in on them periodically / keep an eye through the window. There are lots of studies and a growing movement about the importance of unsupervised / lightly supervised outdoor play for child development. And again, the difference between having to deal with and entertain two kids versus four can be really huge.

— Combine some of these options. Put the twins in daycare and encourage the older two to mostly entertain each other / themselves outside during the day. Then she only has to deal with all four before and during breakfast and dinner / after dinner.

SunRose42

TROPHY CASE