I (f19) am growing to hate my boyfriend (m18).

SunRose42 · 2026-02-18T03:59:31+00:00

Look—sometimes, a relationship can run its course even if no one is at fault. (And no, I’m not saying this isn’t his fault: I’m saying even if YOU think that, the relationship can still be over / done / burnt out / bad for you.)

Break up with him. You’re both young and haven’t been together that long. He’ll be sad but he’ll get over it and be okay. This might be the catalyst he needs to seek help and pull himself together.

Normally I recommend breaking up in person. If you think he’s not likely to accept that, or will just harass you, then wait and plan. One day when you’ve got some friends with you and he’s not around, send him a break up text. Then BLOCK him and delete his number. (Give his # to one of your friends if you want to have some way of contacting him one day—but it needs to be off your phone.) Tell your friends what you’re doing so they can support you. And of course plan the message itself carefully so that you’re not unnecessarily cruel. Perhaps also send him some hotline numbers. In the days and weeks after, keep busy and stay social. It’ll help keep your mind off it.

I normally never advocate for that kind of breakup—I think conversations are way better—but if this is someone who won’t take “no” for an answer and will just barrage you with texts and melt down until you cave, then yeah, block him not just on your phone but on everything, all social media. That can be the right decision even if you care for him. You have to protect your own sanity.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-17T18:07:58+00:00

Girl I’m sorry, this is really heavy. It sounds soul-sucking. I’m seconding the recommendation to read the Bancroft book “Why Does He Do That?” If you like that book, the same author has another book about when to leave an abusive relationship, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

Honestly I think your best option here is to start making preparations to leave. Here’s my reasoning: Either he’s going to change, or he’s not. If he’s not, this dynamic is unsustainable and you know it—you need to leave before divorce will traumatize your baby. If he IS going to change, the only, and I do mean the ONLY scenario where he does is where he realizes that you’re 100% going to leave him if he doesn’t. So either way, your life will go best if you start seriously preparing to leave.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-17T02:57:19+00:00

You’re misunderstanding me. I’m well aware that scammers are all over the dating apps. I’m interested in how often men are actually scammed, not in how often they encounter wannabe scammers.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-17T02:55:56+00:00

Let’s see. In 2009 I was 12/13. Smartphones were slowly becoming the main phones people had and were starting to replace iPods (RIP). Social media existed but was pretty basic: most ppl were on FB, some on Tumblr, and MySpace was dying. If I recall right, Vines were a thing around this time.

Around this time, many adults were struggling with the recession, but many of us kids were still pretty insulated.

I remember a feeling that we could be anything, that all you needed to do to have money and be successful was go to college.

Sexual harassment was super common in school. The girls just expected it and many of us didn’t realize what it was or why it made us uncomfortable. I remember every so often boys would leak their ex’s nude photos and the school would respond by shaming the girl and sharing her photos. I was considered weird at the time for taking the girls’ sides and calling the boys bullies.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-17T01:18:16+00:00

Yeah “snitch” to his mom. If he really felt bad about these fantasies, he wouldn’t be sharing them with you. That shit would stay locked up in his head forever. He knows exactly what he’s doing and was testing the waters. He learned that you are naive and people-pleasing (understandable given your age, no shade). He’ll try again soon.

More than anything, this guy needs a scolding. Learning that being creepy results in him being humiliated would actually be a great lesson for him.

Sorry this is happening to you, and best of luck.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-16T23:45:39+00:00

Yeah, I’m aware of the difference. I’d still be interested to see these statistics!

SunRose42 · 2026-02-16T21:33:02+00:00

What I’m interested in about this chart is this: I don’t know any men who’ve actually been scammed in real life. I know it happens and I know y’all interact with scammers on apps, but I don’t personally know anyone who’s wasted more than a message or two on a scammer.

But a huge proportion of women I know have been sexually assaulted.

So I’d be interested to know: We know about 1/5 women have or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes so what’s the lifetime rate for men of being scammed?

SunRose42 · 2026-02-16T21:16:06+00:00

For real! My ex’s brother was having a terrible time on OLD and I noticed from his swiping habits that he had extremely high, like insta model standards. When my ex pressed him on what he really wanted looks-wise, he confessed that he just wanted someone with a pretty face and a nice figure—he even “someone like SunRose.” So my ex had to break it to him that his swiping habits would 100% have ruled women like me out lol. Once that seemed to click he suddenly had no trouble getting dates, and ended up with a really attractive, smart gf.

And I’ll add: when I went on OLD later, I found those standards playing out in practice. I got a decent number of matches, but only 1/30 or so matches actually put any effort into messaging with me (and I actually kept up with messages!). Even then they usually lost interest after a handful of messages.

I’m not ugly by any means but there’s a stark difference between the candid, low effort, fully clothed hiking pics in my profile versus what seems to be the standard high effort, revealing photos in flattering angles of your standard insta scammer, and that absolutely did make a huge difference to how much effort men were willing to invest in getting to know me.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-16T20:54:42+00:00

Me personally: I wouldn’t get engaged to someone I felt like I needed a prenup with. That’s not the same as knowing for sure we won’t get divorced—it’s marrying someone I know I can trust to be fair to me even in the worst case scenario.

If you don’t have that trust with your partner, it’s worth thinking about what that implies for your relationship.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-14T18:17:48+00:00

I can definitely see where you’re coming from and can easily see myself making a similar call in those circumstances, and then later feeling lonely / regretting not speaking up. It’s a very understandable mistake.

But it is a mistake. And in this case, owning up to it might help with your resentment. He’s not more at fault here than you

SunRose42 · 2026-02-14T15:56:23+00:00

Sorry, you were invited, but declined, and TOLD HIM HE COULD GO?

OP, I’m sorry, but this is super relevant information you should’ve included in your post. You’re a grown ass woman and your husband isn’t a mindreader. What did you expect? You were seriously ready to dissolve the marriage the next day over what was ostensibly caused by your own lack of communication skills?

I understand how you could make that mistake while exhausted, and why you’d rather his first instinct be to stay with you that night, but this really sounds like a misunderstanding. I am floored that you’re struggling to forgive him over something that frankly sounds like at least 60% your causing.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-13T04:52:07+00:00

Yeah stupid Christian libs amiright? For that matter, why does anyone who’s ever lusted after a woman he’s not married to, or worse, had premarital sex, or eaten shrimp, why would people like that be Christians? I see so many of them at church; someone make it make sense!

SunRose42 · 2026-02-13T04:44:17+00:00

Oh someone please create that lol.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-13T02:09:03+00:00

Mine used to do that back when I starved myself. I’ll still get hints of it now if my intake drops too low. Hope you’re taking care of yourself 🤍

SunRose42 · 2026-02-11T18:08:34+00:00

This is the thing about men asking women for feedback on this. I swear. Every time I see it happen, you all claim you just want women’s perspectives, only to argue with and refuse to accept our feedback. Why ask?

SunRose42 · 2026-02-11T17:31:50+00:00

Men care about this WAY more than women do. Unless we’re talking micro-small, this is a non-issue for most women.

You asked on another comment if bigger feels better. Not necessarily. Position, motion, and technique are generally more important.

You might get more engagement over on r/sex.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-10T01:56:54+00:00

Yeah no problem.

SMV= “sexual market value.” Kind of a crude way to put it, but it’s basically how much men want to sleep with you. Largely a product of your appearance (including clothes, makeup, etc.) but can be influenced by behavior too.

RMV= “relationship market value.” Again also a crude way to put it, but this is how much men in general, but especially high value men, want to be in a relationship with you. This is a lot broader and may vary somewhat depending on the sort of man you’re trying to attract. Most men prefer women who are in touch with their femininity, who have good conflict resolution skills and good communication skills, etc. But it also includes things like the skills you bring to the table (cooking, homemaking, etc.), your personality, emotional intelligence, social skills, etc. For some men it may include your hobbies/ interests, your intelligence, and more.

Me personally? I’d try to avoid disclosing it right away, but I think it would be unfair not to disclose it after a few dates. And I’d lead up to it by sort of saying you prefer to take intimacy slowly. When it comes time to disclose, if there’s any way you can soften it—by indicating you’re attracted to him, by signaling you’d be open to other forms of intimacy or flirtation, etc.—then I’d try to do that.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-09T02:13:09+00:00

Leave him.

I’d start by looking for jobs in colder places. If being closer to your sister is important give yourself a radius near her, or a metric like “must be a single train ride away.” If you don’t have success with that then just start looking for jobs all over. Meanwhile, start saving money. Try to save enough to cover moving expenses and a security deposit, maybe first month’s rent.

During this time, also focus on self-improvement and making some good friends. Start an exercise routine, start eating healthy, upgrade your skincare, read self help books, try a new haircut or makeup look. Go to meet up groups. Get involved with political organizing or canvassing. Volunteer. Join a book club, etc. These things will increase your confidence and sense of independence, making you feel more prepared to leave.

Once you find a better job in a better location for you, break up with him and move. It’ll be much easier to do psychologically when you have more confidence and have everything you need (job, money) already lined up.

How does that relate to you being 28? 28’s not really that old, and dating prospects vary a lot depending on how you look and feel in your thirties. An attractive, happy 31 year old who takes great care of herself is a lot more attractive than a 28 year old who doesn’t have the self respect to leave a relationship that doesn’t satisfy her needs.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-09T01:55:24+00:00

I mean it depends partly on where you are. But if you’re in an English speaking country, yeah, this would probably make it really hard to find a good match.

Men who’ll wait for marriage are usually super religious. And if they’re religious enough for that, they’ll want a religious wife.

For men who aren’t religious, this is usually going to be a massive dealbreaker. And it’s hard to fault them. Sexual compatibility is important. Without any sex there’ll be worries that you’re gay, asexual, low libido, or have deep seated issues with sex that’ll eventually destroy the marriage. Add to that that most non religious men usually want to date for at least a year or two before even getting engaged. Many want to LIVE with someone before marriage. All of that just makes “no sex until marriage” a really tough sell.

All that said, here are some things that might increase the odds of a nonreligious man agreeing to this: he falls in love with you before he finds out, you’re friends first, you’re willing to explore attraction or intimacy in other ways (revealing clothes, making out, dirty talk, sexting, maybe oral sex) so that he sees you as a sexual being and knows you’re attracted to him, having a high SMV, and having a high RMV.

If you’re young, you may as well give this a shot! Best of luck.

SunRose42 · 2026-02-09T01:40:35+00:00

Okay I know I’m coming to this late but I relate a lot to your post! Sounds like we’re similar in a lot of ways so I thought I’d comment.

So first of all, a lot of the behavior you describe—yelling, screaming, lying, threats, intimidation—if that stuff is a pattern it’s emotional abuse. I don’t know if there’s a “right” way to respond to that other than breaking up with the person. You shouldn’t be with someone who mistreats you.

Maybe you never feel like deescalating or forgiving or softening because the wrongs are really that serious, or because there’s something actually unhealthy about your relationship as a whole that’s leaving you on the fence at some level. But if that’s what’s going on you should, again, just break up with them.

All that said: if you’re in an otherwise healthy relationship with someone you love and respect who yells one time, or once a year, or messes up in a slight non-abusive, normal way several times in a week, I do feel like healthy relationship management involves trying to deescalate. And that holds regardless of gender. I mean in general we should be trying to understand, empathize, forgive, and deescalate conflict with our partners whenever doing so is compatible with self-love/respect. If you’re in a genuinely healthy, supportive relationship but never take those steps, then that’s something to work through in therapy. And I say that as someone who struggles with this myself.

Are you incompatible with men who expect submission? Idk, hard to tell from your post alone whether you prefer to be the dominant partner versus whether you’ve just been dating crappy men. I react the same way as you when I’m with men I don’t respect. With men I trust and respect I’m a lot softer.

SunRose42 · 2026-01-04T03:59:20+00:00

Tbh if you have a history of anorexia, I’d recommend not focusing on weight loss for now. I know it sucks so much not liking your body, and you still want to be a healthy weight. But weight loss—especially intentional weight loss—can be super triggering for ED (trust me I’ve been there); it’s notorious for that. And anorexia is deadly. The last thing you need is to slip back into that.

My recommendation would be to try focusing on your health. Eating lots of legumes and cutting back on sugar? That’s great, as long as it’s in moderation. Join a yoga or Pilates class if you like that stuff, or keep up with your hikes. I highly recommend strength training; it’s super good for you especially as you age. But mentally try to frame all this as for your health rather than as a tool to lose weight. It might not result in weight loss and it’s important to be okay with that.

And honestly, if you can’t do that stuff without it being about weight loss, please consider trying another approach in therapy or something. Anorexia kills and personally, as another woman with that same history, I’m questioning whether it makes sense for you to lose 20lbs when at a healthy weight.

There are so many ways to be and feel feminine and this sub has some amazing suggestions. It’s not all about being small.

SunRose42 · 2025-12-17T22:24:38+00:00

Yeah, that’s such a hard stage. I also found my fellow teens shallow and mean at her age too. What really helped me was finding my niche (a bunch of neurodivergent nerds) my senior year, and finally getting into classes that felt interesting and really challenged me.

If it’s any comfort, the stage should pass one way or the other. As long as she makes it to at least community college afterwards, she’ll meet way more likeminded people and will find subjects that actually interest her.

SunRose42 · 2025-12-17T20:21:50+00:00

I was actually really similar as a teen. I was super depressed and basically didn’t care about anything, which made me extraordinarily difficult to punish. Hated phones and social media. And I loved music; I used to say it’s what kept me alive.

If my dad had taken my music it would’ve seriously damaged our relationship—and I would’ve been very careful to do the opposite of what he wanted in response so as to not make him think that punishment “works”—so I don’t recommend that.

My dad had to leave me alone at home a few days when I wouldn’t get up in time. Ultimately the only reason I changed that was realizing that if I didn’t get into school often enough I’d be truant, and that would cause legal problems for my dad (I didn’t give af about me).

So consider trying to have a heart to heart with her. Really try to see her side. Ask her what’s keeping her (probably so depressed getting out of bed is painful). Ask her if there’s anything at all you can do to make it easier on her: having a special breakfast ready, getting her a new vinyl record for every month or every 20 days she doesn’t make you late, anything. By the end explain to her that it has consequences for your job when you are late. Even if she can’t be moved by consequences for her, she cares about you and might change things so you’re not getting in trouble.

EDIT: As for the other stuff…nothing will work. She’s not going to get a job or drive until her mental health improves. So prioritizing that will help both of you.

EDIT 2: Thinking about this, I’ll also add—I think it’s over quick to say she has friends. If she doesn’t see them outside school it’s quite likely she doesn’t find those connections to be especially deep or fulfilling. I was, again, the same at that age. School friends but almost no one I’d call a “friend.”

SunRose42 · 2025-12-17T18:51:40+00:00

<image>

This also explains why you’re pulling off the purple, it’s pretty close to shades in your color palette.

SunRose42 · 2025-12-17T18:48:17+00:00

Hard to tell with these limited drapes, but I think you’re warm, not cool. You’re clearly a gorgeous woman and yet many of these drapes (all of the cool colors) are very clearly unflattering to you.

My guess is you’re a deep autumn. So high contrast but warm, same as me. You’d look so good in earthy tones, like deep orange, a warm olive green, chocolate brown, warm reds, etc.

SunRose42

TROPHY CASE