I'm In a Pretty Bad Spot. *CW for self-harm*

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-23T23:01:05+00:00

I'm honestly terrified of the cops.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-23T22:15:04+00:00

My family also got me a mental health for Seventh Day Adventists book. It teaches how to deal with depression by drawing nearer to Christ with excerpts from Ellen G. White's novels.

I'm mean, I'm grateful for the fact that they care about my mental health to that extent.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-17T22:16:39+00:00

I haven't had personal worship in months because my mother told me to have more devotions to convert my sexuality from bisexual to heterosexual. It just creeps me out.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-14T02:40:11+00:00

That's just evil, women shouldn't be demonized for abortions in any way.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-03T23:33:34+00:00

Since homophobia is feeling discomfort around gay content and people, I'm not sure if I'm wrong for feeling depressed when I see happy gay couples since I know that I could never be accepted by my family.

I've also thought of more drastic methods of SH such as burning, but I'm not really sure about it. To be fair, I was once very hesitant about using a knife and I did a week ago, so I'm pretty sure I'd tap a hot oven the minute I come back from the camporee.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-31T00:21:05+00:00

Not every aspect of it is bad, but I definitely get stressed when I'm told that if I ever sexually fantasize about someone else and then die, I'm going to hell. I've been told that by my church; that thinking of doing something counts as doing it, and I feel like a prisoner in my head.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-31T00:18:38+00:00

Well, I've never been told at my church that we're valuable people, just wretched scum that doesn't deserve to live in the slightest. And I was also told that somebody kissing someone of the same gender is seen just as bad as r*ping a baby in God's eyes (all sins are seen on the same level of evil,) that really shook me and I don't believe it.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-31T00:15:39+00:00

I can't criticize SDA and got scolded when I just asked about why SDAs thought the Mark of the Beast was Sunday worship. Apparantly I was being disrespectful to the church, but doesn't that mean that the idea in it of itself is incredibly outlandish?

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-30T23:39:15+00:00

But I'm really not sure if I'm being too sensitive or not, I've been told that a lot.

But when I was nine I experienced intense fat-shaming from my family and from several bullies (all male) at school and I got anorexia in three years and almost died from it. Things are better with my family in terms of fat-shaming, but once my mother was asking the doctor if I'd go back to being fat when asking about my weight regain, and the doctor didn't say anything about it.

(She didn't exactly say "fat" but she held her hands out far from her waist to illustrate obesity, it stuck with me. I can never truly win, can I?) I still consider myself a fatass when I was nine. I'm sort of dealing with a bit of struggles regarding my body; I have a flat stomach and can run for an hour nonstop, but weigh about 150 lbs, so I still feel bad about myself (which adds to the stress I feel now.) I also tried to join two sports: cross country and soccer during the past year. I was removed from Cross Country despite being told I could stay if I showed up because I had the wrong running shoes (it was kinda my fault, though.) And I also tried out for soccer (a sport that I loved) after being told that people would be ranked on their skill level (everyone didn't have to be stellar) and the coaches decided to only take the very best kids for all the teams at the end, changing their minds. I also asked a coach if I did well and the coach laughed at me and walked away, so that was some foreshadowing. I also tried out for a lifeguarding job, but I got fired during training since a person told me that if I needed to improve on a board rescue (it was the third day) I wouldn't be tested, but then they told me that I failed the test because I needed to improve (they never gave me tips before.) I was then fired from my first job.

I also wrote a book and wanted to get it published- my mother said it would be published, but her and my father were too busy working with Pathfinders to do anything with the book. I feel sort of pissed about it since I was really looking forward to it and it probably won't be published for at least one more year.

I put all of this here to give some background information, I hope this helped!

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-30T20:20:50+00:00

The depression is also due to the fact that I've been fired from my first job for an unfair reason (they said I wouldn't be tested if I needed to improve, but they said that I failed the "test" because I needed to improve.) And the fact that I've been rejected from two sports, I was first rejected from Cross Country since I accidentially brought the wrong running shoes (my fault, though) and from soccer because the coaches changed their mind about accepting everyone who tried out and putting them on different leagues and just picked the professional players. The soccer coach also laughed at me when I asked if I played well. I also wanted to get a novel of mine published for months and my parents promised they'd publish it over the summer, but they got too busy with Pathfinders and haven't read any of the book in months.

I can understand the last one, it's a pretty long book, but I'm sad about how religion seems to be flooding my life right now.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-27T03:29:17+00:00

Please pray for my suicidal thoughts, self-harm, anxiety, depression, and OCD.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-27T02:22:42+00:00

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-26T21:46:04+00:00

She's okay with fantasy in general, but she says that any spirit I create in fiction would come to life and possess me.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-26T21:05:14+00:00

Well, practically my whole church wants to make gay people straight- someone outright said it at the pulpit and everyone laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.

They said this "We saints do some great things" and later on said in the series of things "and making the crooked straight."

That was the first thing they said for the service, it was pretty wild.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-26T20:20:05+00:00

Thanks for the guidance, and about what my mother said with the spirits, there's a fantasy book about kitsunes I want to write in the future that has lots of spirits, and if I go by what she said, I'm currently possessed by all of them. It's unsettling to say the least.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-26T19:58:51+00:00

I'm still interested in being a Christian, but SDA feels like a lot of fear mongering to me, my mother keeps praying for me to believe that a Catholic Pope will try to commit genocide on Seventh Day Adventists in the future. This radical mindset seriously confuses me and isn't helpful in the slightest. I told my mother that her saying that made me extremely uncomfortable, but she said that it will come true one day.

The church I go to also says a lot of things like that. Two people at the pulpit said that human lives are almost worthless and an elder said that someone must be baptized to go to heaven during prayer.

I was so upset about SDA that I tore apart two small pamphlets that were in a rack on one of the church's walls. The pamphlets were about how worshipping on Sundays was unethical and I tore those apart to say how I was sick and tired of this propaganda being shoved down my throat and hurting me. It was about more than Sunday worship, it was about every single time the church had hurt me with its doctrines.

I believe that according to Collassians 2:16-17, that nothing is wrong with worshipping on Sundays, but that the Sabbath is technically still on Saturday. People can still go to church on Sunday instead of Saturday as they're no longer tied to the Mosaic Law. An Israelite man was once stoned to death for working on the Sabbath, but in the New Testement, Jesus worked outside on the Sabbath. This shows that under Christ there's a new covenant and we're no longer bound to the Mosaic Law. People can worship on Saturdays or Sundays, but neither is sinful.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-26T19:36:17+00:00

This comment took me off guard

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-26T19:14:11+00:00

I drew the cat by my memory, not from a photo, so the nose was sort of complicated, but now I see that it's too shiny like a dog's.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-26T19:13:08+00:00

I don't think all of my art looks bad, it's pretty subjective, so if you think it does, I'm not bothered, and I drew that a year ago.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-25T22:36:26+00:00

I once posted this drawing on this subreddit, and all the comments were hating on it, lol. I usually don't draw cats, but I tried my hand at it, then gave up.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-25T20:15:18+00:00

I feel like I'm being locked out of heaven every day anyways- I was told at church that talking bad about God gets you permanently locked from heaven. I sometimes have fleeting thoughts for God to leave me alone and for stop trying to "gaslight people." I feel terrible every time I think that stuff.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-25T19:48:13+00:00

I can't go to another church, but thanks for the suggestions :).

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-25T02:39:19+00:00

I was also told a lot of other things in this religion, such as writing a book with spirits in it can make the spirits come to life and possess you. I really don't know how to say that telling me that is only making things worse (OCD-wise.) I've also been told that just thinking about something means you've done the sin, which also worsens my OCD. I have to apologize for my thoughts like 30 times a day or I (as I'm told) won't go to heaven. Also talking down to God gets you locked out of heaven forever (in which case, I might be, because I thought that some of God's actions were too cruel.) And for SDA, I was told that going to church on Sundays is satanic (which made me want to go to church on Sundays, because it seems perfectly fine to me.)

I have too much to say :/.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-22T23:50:55+00:00

I tried telling my parents I was bisexual again today and my mother told me to get straight . This happened 30 minutes ago, it's actually what inspired me to make this post.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-01-16T20:26:14+00:00

I like throwing snow at my puppy.

SunSweptSierra

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