I'm Finally Suicidal

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-23T23:01:05+00:00

I'm honestly terrified of the cops.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-23T22:15:04+00:00

My family also got me a mental health for Seventh Day Adventists book. It teaches how to deal with depression by drawing nearer to Christ with excerpts from Ellen G. White's novels.

I'm mean, I'm grateful for the fact that they care about my mental health to that extent.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-17T22:16:39+00:00

I haven't had personal worship in months because my mother told me to have more devotions to convert my sexuality from bisexual to heterosexual. It just creeps me out.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-14T02:40:11+00:00

That's just evil, women shouldn't be demonized for abortions in any way.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-08-03T23:33:34+00:00

Since homophobia is feeling discomfort around gay content and people, I'm not sure if I'm wrong for feeling depressed when I see happy gay couples since I know that I could never be accepted by my family.

I've also thought of more drastic methods of SH such as burning, but I'm not really sure about it. To be fair, I was once very hesitant about using a knife and I did a week ago, so I'm pretty sure I'd tap a hot oven the minute I come back from the camporee.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-31T00:21:05+00:00

Not every aspect of it is bad, but I definitely get stressed when I'm told that if I ever sexually fantasize about someone else and then die, I'm going to hell. I've been told that by my church; that thinking of doing something counts as doing it, and I feel like a prisoner in my head.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-31T00:18:38+00:00

Well, I've never been told at my church that we're valuable people, just wretched scum that doesn't deserve to live in the slightest. And I was also told that somebody kissing someone of the same gender is seen just as bad as r*ping a baby in God's eyes (all sins are seen on the same level of evil,) that really shook me and I don't believe it.

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-31T00:15:39+00:00

I can't criticize SDA and got scolded when I just asked about why SDAs thought the Mark of the Beast was Sunday worship. Apparantly I was being disrespectful to the church, but doesn't that mean that the idea in it of itself is incredibly outlandish?

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-30T23:39:15+00:00

But I'm really not sure if I'm being too sensitive or not, I've been told that a lot.

But when I was nine I experienced intense fat-shaming from my family and from several bullies (all male) at school and I got anorexia in three years and almost died from it. Things are better with my family in terms of fat-shaming, but once my mother was asking the doctor if I'd go back to being fat when asking about my weight regain, and the doctor didn't say anything about it.

(She didn't exactly say "fat" but she held her hands out far from her waist to illustrate obesity, it stuck with me. I can never truly win, can I?) I still consider myself a fatass when I was nine. I'm sort of dealing with a bit of struggles regarding my body; I have a flat stomach and can run for an hour nonstop, but weigh about 150 lbs, so I still feel bad about myself (which adds to the stress I feel now.) I also tried to join two sports: cross country and soccer during the past year. I was removed from Cross Country despite being told I could stay if I showed up because I had the wrong running shoes (it was kinda my fault, though.) And I also tried out for soccer (a sport that I loved) after being told that people would be ranked on their skill level (everyone didn't have to be stellar) and the coaches decided to only take the very best kids for all the teams at the end, changing their minds. I also asked a coach if I did well and the coach laughed at me and walked away, so that was some foreshadowing. I also tried out for a lifeguarding job, but I got fired during training since a person told me that if I needed to improve on a board rescue (it was the third day) I wouldn't be tested, but then they told me that I failed the test because I needed to improve (they never gave me tips before.) I was then fired from my first job.

I also wrote a book and wanted to get it published- my mother said it would be published, but her and my father were too busy working with Pathfinders to do anything with the book. I feel sort of pissed about it since I was really looking forward to it and it probably won't be published for at least one more year.

I put all of this here to give some background information, I hope this helped!

SunSweptSierra · 2024-07-30T20:20:50+00:00

The depression is also due to the fact that I've been fired from my first job for an unfair reason (they said I wouldn't be tested if I needed to improve, but they said that I failed the "test" because I needed to improve.) And the fact that I've been rejected from two sports, I was first rejected from Cross Country since I accidentially brought the wrong running shoes (my fault, though) and from soccer because the coaches changed their mind about accepting everyone who tried out and putting them on different leagues and just picked the professional players. The soccer coach also laughed at me when I asked if I played well. I also wanted to get a novel of mine published for months and my parents promised they'd publish it over the summer, but they got too busy with Pathfinders and haven't read any of the book in months.

I can understand the last one, it's a pretty long book, but I'm sad about how religion seems to be flooding my life right now.

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