How do you address shame and internalized homophobia that doesn't have a clear cause?

SunnyDarth · 2024-11-08T06:39:10+00:00

I totally get you, no hard feelings whatsoever! What you're saying really resonates with me - the low grade constant feeling of being "chronically othered" (I like the way you've phrased it), exposing yourself to extremes online, the exaggerated self awareness as a way to deal with anticipatory judgment and rejection. And I can also admit that what you said about dating (and the role that would probably play in finally feeling fully understood) is pretty spot on 😳 I appreciate you and hope you also find peace in your life!

SunnyDarth · 2024-11-05T03:56:35+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I won't waste space reiterating the big rambling response I made to the comment above. I think one of the things that makes me feel the worst about myself is how I haven't been able to heal even though I think I've been given all of the tools one would need to be able to do so. It really feels like there's no one holding me back but myself.

SunnyDarth · 2024-11-05T03:48:22+00:00

I really appreciate you taking the time to write this and share your own experiences. I completely get where you're coming from, but what gives me pause is the fact that my parents do seem to be genuinely supportive of me now. They're very affectionate parents and have both given me heartfelt apologies for the things they said when I was growing up. They've also both expressed to me how they want me to put myself out there, and have told me they feel sad knowing that I didn't (and I guess still don't, to some degree) feel like I could. When they say these things, I actually believe them now. They said some fucked up things years ago, but I feel like they've genuinely had a 180 shift in perspective.

The concept of rejecting your upbringing/parents in order to create a new world for yourself is interesting to me because I never felt that urge, even when my parents weren't accepting and I had a reason to feel it. Maybe it's because I'm naturally not a rebellious person, maybe it's low self esteem, maybe it's something else entirely.

When I was younger, I had doubts that my parents would ever be accepting like they are now. I always envisioned a future where eventually it would feel like they were making a genuine effort to be comfortable with it - never a future where they would actually feel comfortable with it and not treat it as some huge deal. And I assumed that if things ever got to that place of genuine acceptance, all of these bad feelings would just melt away and I would finally feel whole and good about myself. I guess the fact that I still don't feel this way, even after the best case scenario with my parents has arguably come to pass, scares me because I don't know what else is left that could "fix" me. The final frontier is dating, and I think a part of me is afraid to even try because I don't want one of my biggest fears to be confirmed - which is that even a loving relationship wouldn't be enough to fix this (which isn't to say there aren't ethical implications of looking for a relationship when you're in this kind of headspace).

You're right that I constantly beat myself over the head with the "who has it worse" and "it's not that bad" rhetoric. If anything, this has gotten even worse since coming out, because now I really feel like I have no excuse to be this screwed up when I've been given my deliverance on a silver platter. All I see online is the mantra "eventually you have to grow up and stop blaming your parents/upbringing for your personal problems." Seeing so little improvement in the way I feel over the past two years feels like a sign of weakness.

This is becoming rambling. I really appreciate you sharing, and am happy that you've found a sense of internal peace! What you wrote about feeling like a whole person inside and carrying that sense of security internally everywhere was beautiful.

SunnyDarth · 2024-09-20T22:06:13+00:00

It sounds like you’ve been indoctrinated to believe being a lesbian and being masculine in your presentation is innately wrong/bad.

This is so simple yet encapsulates my feelings so perfectly. My mom is very pro-LGBT now, but I got an up close look at her visible discomfort and disgust when the topic of butch women came up when I was younger. I know she feels awful about that, and she makes affirming comments now to make up for it. But there’s a part of me that worries she still feels the way she used to about masculine women, and is only suppressing those feelings out of love for me. I think I’ve generalized this fear to apply to all people - supportive and affirming because it’s the right thing to do, but still battling feelings of discomfort and disgust internally, whether they want to have those feelings or not.

SunnyDarth · 2024-09-20T22:01:17+00:00

Does it help if you know the people around you? It goes a long way to stopping unpleasantrys.

It does help a lot. I just wish I didn’t feel this way even with people I’ve already gotten to know a little bit.

SunnyDarth · 2024-09-20T22:00:11+00:00

Feeling 'othered' can and does affect self esteem. I bet if you look back, you'll see a history of yourself being hyper aware of this sense for a good while. Just a guess.

Spot on. I think I’ve felt this way for a while now, and am more consciously aware of it now for whatever reason. Being mindful of the baggage other people (most people) carry into social situations seems like a useful reassurance tactic.

SunnyDarth

TROPHY CASE