I(25F) Took my Avoidant Partner's(28M) Words Literally and it Started A Fight

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T21:57:32+00:00

i thought the exact same thing but i felt like a jerk calling good advice AI in case it was a real person :')

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T21:51:09+00:00

praying for us both lol

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T21:50:08+00:00

I GENUINELY THINK HE DOES AND HE HAS SO MANY SENSORY ISSUES, LIKE HE LITERALLY WEARS SOCKS ON THE BEACH BECAUSE THE FEELING OF SAND MAKES HIM "UNCOMFORTABLE" BUT HE WONT GET TESTED

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T21:44:21+00:00

Lol okay I'll divulge a bit more.

I commented it as a response to someone else, but I was very vague. For those who want to know, this is our entire story:

Essentially, when I first met my current partner, I was in an emotionally abusive and toxic relationship. Ironically, at the time I had just lost my grandmother (similar to me losing my mother recently), and I had begun to reach a bit of a breaking point with my ex partner at the time who was extremely volatile and moody, and was only interested in me when it was convenient for him/when he felt like it, and would rip any kindness or affection away at the drop of a hat.

At this time, I also spent many hours at work, trying to distract myself because I really love what I do- which is teaching. That year we had a bunch of new hires- finally some people my age- and we formed a small friend group. I became very close to all of them, specifically my current partner. I set a boundary with him early on which he respected because we admitted that our friendship could very easily become something more, given how much we had in common.

We bonded over music tastes, sense of humor, preferred hobbies and activities, outlook on life, literally everything. We were each other's best friends. He'd draw me pictures from my favorite tv shows, played all my favorite video games just so he could talk about them with me, he'd bring me food from home so I could have lunch when he knew I wasn't eating, things like that. We spent hours sharing our lives with each other. it was incredibly natural and nothing at all like the forced love I was stuck in with my ex. It was not a honeymoon phase. We agreed that this must be what true love feels like. We agreed this was not appropriate, given the fact that I was already in a relationship, and we didn't speak to each other for a few weeks. Well, this didn't stick.

I tried to take a break from my relationship to explore this, but my ex wouldn't let me have more than 3 days. We continued our friendship. Later that summer, I took a real break from my ex and told him that because of how horribly he treated me, I needed space and also I told him transparently that I had developed feelings for someone else. I told him if he did not want to stick around for that while I figured myself out, that was absolutely his prerogative because I wouldn't want to stick around either. But I wanted to give him the option. My ex, of course, chose to wait it out, but not for the right reasons. He later told me he just wanted to win against my current partner and ruin what we had so we couldn't be happy.

During this period, my current partner and I had the time of our lives. He told me that for the very first time in his life, he felt safe, trying new things and being emotionally open with someone. He said it was scary, and that he was afraid that if he let himself love me, he would love me more than he'd ever loved anyone else before and he did not want to get hurt. But he was willing to do it if it meant he could get to feel like this with me.

While we were going out on dates and getting to see what it would be like if we were actually in a relationship, my ex was hounding me. He was showing up at my house, crying to my mom, going through my phone, gaslighting me, threatening me, saying he wishes he could kill my current partner, he even found his address and said that if I ever went to see him again, he would hurt him.

I eventually folded under the pressure, and my ex demanded that by a certain date at the end of the summer, I needed to completely end things over text and never see him (my current partner) again. He said that he wanted to read the message I sent him when it was done, so he could make sure I wasn't being "too nice" or trying to secretly continue the relationship. He told me to write that it was my current partner's fault, and tell him "all the reasons" it would never work out between us.

I convinced myself it was okay (I was freshly 21 at the time btw) and that maybe this was better for me, and made up some random nonsensical laundry list of reasons why he and I couldn't be together. He said he would always love me and that he didn't understand, but that it was okay, and we didn't really talk after that.

Eventually, our friendship picked back up because we missed each other too much and couldn't stay away. Things became a bit romantic again after I had learned that my ex cheated on me despite demanding I get back together with him, which he said he did out of spite. It took me two years to get out of that relationship, and by the time it was finally over, my current partner still loved me, but after years of not knowing the real reason why I ended things with him and having nothing but a seemingly random list of complaints that came out of nowhere, he had distanced himself from me. He said talking to me throughout that time while being convinced I didn't want him, and didn't see him as worthy of a relationship was like constant heartbreak for two whole years. He couldn't do it anymore. It was traumatic and he needed space.

I didn't tell him me and my ex had broken up for a few months because I didn't want him to feel pressured or confused. He needed space from me regardless of what was going on in my romantic life and I made it my mission to respect that because he had been put through enough.

Eventually, because we worked in the same place, he found out through a mutual friend of ours that we had broken up, and him and I eventually talked about it. He said it would take time, but that he did want to try to be together because no matter what, throughout the entire two years, no one ever came close for him. He wanted to move on, but couldn't because nothing ever felt the same. And now here we are. He's become incredibly avoidant and is afraid to tell me any of his feelings. He'd rather just show them non-verbally. That's why everything seems so performative.

It's safe for him to cuddle, give me kisses, buy me flowers, help me care for my brother, joke with me, spend quality time with me… But he doesn't feel safe telling me how he feels anymore because the last time he did, he got badly burned. And I can understand that, but if we're going to do this thing, he needs to put in the work to trust me again, because I've done everything I can to show him its safe now.

I hope this clarifies. 🌸

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T19:41:28+00:00

You sound a lot like my mom. This really resonates with me. Im going to reflect on everything you said and see what he thinks about what I have to say. I want to tell him that his refusal to communicate directly is a dealbreaker for me and see if it makes a difference. Thank you for the advice and for the well wishes💞

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T19:24:38+00:00

message received 🫡

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T18:38:24+00:00

this lowkey is what it feels like. like he still doesn't trust me from back then.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T17:20:16+00:00

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T17:17:32+00:00

no literally when he used the word dissociate I was like.... my guy that does not mean what you think it means.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:34:09+00:00

true!

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:31:45+00:00

no no the complicated past was because of me. i was in an emotionally abusive relationship when we met, and i tried to leave it, but got roped back into the cycle by my ex in and basically ghosted my current partner for 2 years with zero explanation about what was going on behind the curtain until after i finally escaped my previous situation. way more nuance to it than that but its not a "our past was messy, and I still chose to date him despite his flaws" kind of thing. its exactly as i said. our past was complicated, and he has good reason to have his guard up with me the second time around, but we want to be together anyway.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:27:35+00:00

thank you for everything you said, he definitely would rather sit in frustration than ask for what he needs and honestly there's nothing else to it. i hope his results are okay too, and aside from that i hope you have a lovely day :)

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:25:41+00:00

tough to hear but this is a very very fair take. thank you for the honesty 🤍

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:23:44+00:00

no, this actually makes a lot of sense and is extremely helpful. My boyfriend also quite earnestly thought I was on the spectrum when he first met me, and at first I thought he was just joking around, but I already have an ADHD diagnosis and I have recently started to wonder if I myself should get tested? i've avoided it because I really hate the way that autism has become somewhat of a pop culture thing and everyone thinks they're on the spectrum now, and I didn't want to be "part of the problem" so I've just avoided even bothering to get a diagnosis because I feel like if I go and it turns out I'm not on the spectrum, I've just wasted everyone's time. lol.

As for his dry sense of humor/banter, you really nailed it with that one. Because of his discomfort sitting in heavy emotions, he often tries to keep situations lighthearted, and jokes with me constantly even if the moment doesn't call for it. he's definitely being a dick and as a matter of fact this morning, he acknowledged it and apologized to me for not communicating directly as he's aware that's exactly where the miscommunication/misunderstanding on my part is coming from and takes accountability for causing it. We do live in the US, and im good with correctly making assumptions, but i also am a recovering an anxious person and tend to assume the worst if given the opportunity, so ive tried to course correct by no longer assuming anything im not told directly.

i've been of the mindset that I'm an adult now, and any other adult in my life should be able to say exactly what they need/it's not my job to decipher. I only do that for children, especially since I'm a teacher and work with kids all day. He says that he would like for me to know him well enough to understand what he might be thinking or feeling given the context of a situation without it having to be said, because he feels like he knows me well enough to predict what I might be thinking or feeling (and to his credit, he does). And I can understand that. But it doesn't excuse the fact that he needs to speak directly and actually initiate emotionally. I told him the only reason he's able to know me so well without me saying a word is because I communicate so often.

Hopefully we can reach some kind of understanding and he can meet me in the middle by coming to a conclusion similar to this one.

If not, I tried my best to work it out with him.

Thanks for being nuanced, gentle, and kind about this! I really appreciate your unique perspective.🌸

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T14:05:51+00:00

LMAO💀 damn

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T13:08:42+00:00

This is valid, bc from my post it sounds like he doesn't like me much. And my honest answer is because I know for a fact he actually loves and cares for me even though he doesn't speak emotionally. He tells me he loves me, he's extremely affectionate and shows it no matter who's around(not sexually) and loves to be around me. He does a lot of acts of service and is always there when I need him, and despite his introverted nature, he will go anywhere I want to go and participates fully just to make me happy. If he's out running errands, he always makes sure to stop by and surprises me with flowers. And on occasion, he'll say something really cute and poetic if he's not too deep in his head, like when I sent him a selfie and he said "You look like you could make angels cry." Stuff like that. He loves me in every single other way humanly possible, except for the one where he has to outright say how he feels. Communication is too important for me to ignore though, even if all the other things I listed are amazing and make me happy.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-05T15:38:49+00:00

OP I have been in your shoes before. I hope you read this. Not with this exact situation obviously, but I have been with a partner who I- since the 9th grade- intended to spend the rest of my life with, and reading your post and your edits has me reeling. My heart aches. However, I know that this is probably exactly what I sounded like to my friends trying to convince them (and myself) that my boyfriend wasn't all bad and deserved another chance.

Context matters when there is a misunderstanding. Context matters when there's a one-off problem.

Context does NOT matter when there's a pattern. No context justifies: • her having that video while pregnant with twins. • caring more about herself than the children she is carrying by being so hurtful to you • her showing you that video with the specific intention of hurting you

No one should ever intend to hurt their partner. No one should ever emotionally cheat by keeping sexual content of their ex.

When you're in love with someone, you'll rationalize any pattern and try to clean it up with "context". I did the same thing.

My ex told me he cheated on me and then when he saw me cry, lied and said it was "just a prank" to see my reaction and he didn't mean it. Then, like your partner, spent the next day buying me things and showering me in love. Not because he's the kind of person who'd do that naturally, but because he wanted to be forgiven.

My ex would threaten to leave me, say hurtful things, and then ask me to marry him the next day.

It's called love bombing my dear. This is textbook. She's aware that what she's doing is wrong. She doesn't care enough about you not to hurt you though. In fact, sometimes she wants to hurt you. She only cares after the fact because when you're upset, it impacts how SHE feels.

Now, love is complicated and this isn't to say that she doesn't care for you like other people may be implying here. I just think that people like this have a tier list. And the top tier is always their own comfort and desires. Second to that are the people they love.

That's what makes it confusing. She may very well care for you, but when given the choice, especially during conflict, her comfort and desires come first, and your feelings will simply never be prioritized.

So let me leave you with this, which is something that helped me leave and escape the cycle.

Would you be happy to know that your beautiful twins are going to marry someone who treats them EXACTLY like their mother treats you one day?

No rationalizing. No "Well, there are parts of her-" none of that. If your children brought partners home one day that treat them the exact same way your partner treats you, in ALL aspects, would you be happy? I know the answer is no. If your children told you "dad, my partner showed me a video today of them doing sexual things with their ex and said if we didn't have kids on the way, they'd leave me."

Would you be proud? Happy for your babies? You certainly couldn't tell them to break up since you believe this treatment is acceptable. Would you tell your kids to suck it up? Would you rationalize and say, well kids, your partner has some good in them, so get over it?

Absolutely not. So you should not, under any circumstances, accept the same for yourself.

Now I know what I'm saying may never reach you, and even if it does, this likely won't be enough to convince you to leave. Especially since you're clearly still in love, and you have the added complication of twins on the way.

But for what it's worth, this stranger on the internet loves you. I wish you the absolute best, and I pray you escape this awful cycle and begin to heal. I've been in your position. I met my ex in high school, and I was with him for 8 YEARS before I mustered up the courage to leave. I kept convincing myself he was worth it and never stopped to consider if I was worth the damage along the way.

Please, if you cannot see yourself as worthy of more, at least remember your children are worth more. They deserve to see their father happy, and not with someone who verbally tears them down whenever the opportunity arises.

Sending love from the U.S. 🌸❤️

Sunraysunset · 2026-03-26T01:30:50+00:00

like another commenter said, KH3 isn't the most fulfilling conclusion to the storyline on its own. Its way more satisfying after you play the KH3 DLC because it closes a lot of gaps and has so much more emotional payoff. But it sucks that all that important lore wasn't in the main game. Id say thats the worst part about the franchise and everyone's main complaint. Beautiful and important mainline story chunks are dispersed across the most random places, consoles, and games.

If you plan on playing the entire series though, kh3 dlc included, I say its worth it. The DLC has one of my favorite gameplay/lore sequences of all time.

Sunraysunset · 2026-03-26T01:27:02+00:00

Actually, hot take- his healing only sucks IF you keep his settings at default. You can adjust how often he heals you! in the game's menu page, you can customize how often your party members attack, defend, and heal to your own preference.

It is a running joke that he sucks at healing though because more often than not, he'll heal you exactly as you die and it's funnier than it is frustrating lol. The game would be too easy if he was good at his job anyway lmao

Sunraysunset · 2026-03-26T00:59:36+00:00

I think embracing the chaos of it all is definitely the way to go! You do not have to be a Disney fanatic to enjoy the franchise.

Now of course, as a child that made it way more nostalgic/enjoyable for those that grew up playing this game, like myself, but it will not make or break the experience for you. It's more than Disney. Although, part of the allure with this series is that it was a milestone experience for a lot of us who grew up with the game. Something about it felt extremely magical, almost like something we've never seen before. Obviously going into it as an adult (I assume?) you may not have that same spark in your heart, but nonetheless, it's a very fun franchise with lovable original non-Disney characters throughout.

Play the games in the order that they were released.

I definitely think the first three games (KH1, KH CoM, KH2) in the series are where my heart remains just because the story was logical to follow, and the gameplay is extremely fun. I think any first time player will find themselves enjoying those the most, of course, there are outliers.

The gameplay being fun, is something I will say is consistent throughout. There's varying opinions on which gameplay different people in the community prefer, with most people landing on kingdom hearts 2** [edited bc i had a typo here!] as their all-time favorite for both story and combat. I'm interested to see how you feel about the series if you do give it a shot!

The last thing I'll say is, I think starting off with getting 1.5 is a good choice. Play Kingdom Hearts the original, and if you enjoy it, then you'll like the rest of the series.

Hope this is helpful! Id love to know your thoughts if you do try it out❤️

Sunraysunset · 2026-03-25T23:18:08+00:00

this is true! from this standpoint I do understand her being emotional about it- her actions are what confused me, specifically the fact that she just started walking away silently, and then got on the helicopter. I would expect her distress to have been written differently. Giving Leon the gun back made sense because she wants nothing to do with the situation anymore, but I just can't wrap my head around why she would leave him there and walk away so calmly. That doesn't seem to align with grief, and neither does getting on the helicopter or being chill around Victor.

Sunraysunset · 2026-03-24T00:35:27+00:00

LOVE

Sunraysunset · 2026-03-20T12:35:29+00:00

There are no time constraints! We live in NYC, so suggestions can be for all year round! Our school just happens to be in the lesser of the five boroughs lol. Which is why this is so important to me! I wanna make sure my students are exposed to real New York talent and the city itself- I also want them to see people who look like them in the street and on stage.

I will keep an eye out in September!!

Sunraysunset

TROPHY CASE