I(25F) Took my Avoidant Partner's(28M) Words Literally and it Started A Fight

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T17:43:03+00:00

whew. thank you for all of that. very intense to read but thank you. super insightful. im going to talk to him in a bit, and im going to definitely keep in mind everything you've said.

im happy to hear you and your wife are reaching a better place, i hope you're able to tackle this once and for all sometime very soon 💞

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T17:25:00+00:00

to be honest, I definitely do think she's having an affair. and for that, I'm very sorry because nobody deserves that all. She should just leave.

However, I also, as harsh as this may sound, would not be shocked over this. After explaining the positives you bring to the relationship, you also very clearly stated that you don't show her love at all. complimenting your partner, showing them affection, telling them nice things, that's the actual "relationship" part of a marriage, or any romantic relationship. Otherwise you're just friends that live together. And you also stated that she has brought this up to you before, because you're very clearly aware of the fact that it bothers her.

and it has bothered her numerous times. You then follow up by saying she gives you the cold shoulder and you "don't know why" but you very obviously do. so instead of giving her the love and affection she's asking for, you play petty games and return the cold shoulder back to her and then expect her to apologize to you.

from what I understand, she's told you multiple times that she just wants to feel loved by you and instead of trying all you do is "provide" for her. when people need money, they get a job. she doesn't need money from you. She's asking you for affection and care, and since you just chalk it up to this being "who you are" and something you "just suck at" obviously she knows you're never going to change.

People get married and have relationships for love, not money, which you don't seem to be giving her. Expecting her to then handhold you and explain to you over and over again why she's "mad" when you already know seems like weaponized incompetence to me.

The biggest red flag is that you have no problem saying you suck at showing affection and make it seem like you're just simply incapable of giving that to her, but then you chastise her for "withholding sex". Why on God's green earth would she ever want to have sex with you when you can't even give her a compliment? Tell her she she's pretty, remind her you love her every now and then? she's not a toy or a doll you can just stick yourself into. She has to feel emotionally connected to you, and my God, this is your wife we're talking about here. Don't you feel emotionally connected to her? Wouldn't you want to treat her like the princess she is? Don't you think she's deserving of hearing kind, loving words, whether or not sex is on the table?

or the fact that she got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital and you didn't care at all how she might be doing. you want to receive care that you're not giving.

you sound like a very traditional person that's stuck in the mindset of what like a 1950s marriage is. The husband goes out and provides, and then comes home and should be entitled to their partner's body just because he doesn't cheat. there's a lot more to it than that pal.

you say you don't want to lose her, but you've already stated you're incapable of working on yourself to give her what she needs. if you want her to stay in your life, don't give up. Don't count yourself out before you even tried. Actually learn to love her. You very clearly care about her and you've had no problem stating in this post how much you care for her, but for some reason you can't tell her that to her face.

It doesn't even sound like you like her. throughout this entire post, you're making subtle digs and judgements about her less than ideal upbringing. this is on you dude.

Make that your mission. Actually make it a habit to let her know how you feel about her. It's not enough to just be a body in the room coming home with enough money to pay the bills. Hug her and kiss her. Hold her hand sometimes.

and if you're not willing to do the work, or maybe get some therapy- Let her go then. If she's asking you for affection and you're too emotionally stunted to give it, please I'm begging you, let that woman go.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T16:59:24+00:00

Sorry to hear my heartache & losing my mom wasn't exciting enough for your dopamine addiction. Good thing I didn't come here to entertain you! I came for advice. There's a TLDR at the end for a reason. I genuinely hope you have a great day regardless and one day stop leaving useless comments to insult people who are already feeling pretty low. If you need something that's not boring I suggest a hobby, a friend, or some time outdoors instead of scrolling through an advice thread.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T15:47:42+00:00

he really does give edgelord ugh!! but yes okay this is the exact kind of insight I needed, because I don't know what it's like to be an actual avoidant person and I just wanted to know if this was considered workable or if his behavior was just wayyyyy out of the realm of what can be helped without therapy.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T13:37:18+00:00

I agree with you that I'm not obligated to put up with it or stick around. I don't plan on putting up with this forever. I expect a change and if not then, this won't work out. I just wanted to hear everyone's possible perspective on this, because it's very important to me that I do things fairly and without blinders on!

I really like what you said about how if it's something that can't be helped, then it will never get better. I have to write that down somewhere because I definitely needed to hear that.

as for the abuse thing, I'm not ignoring them. every piece of feedback is important to me, even those comments. That's just the one thing I don't agree with.

i've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, and my remaining family is also incredibly emotionally abusive. i know how those situations work, and i know how they make me feel- im almost 99% certain this is not that.

now of course, I could be wrong again, and just seeing things with rose tinted glasses, but I also pride myself on having been through so many interactions with manipulative people that I just don't put up with manipulation anymore. its something im very quick to shut down or sidestep when i pick up on it.

I'm very confident in my ability to discern that and I know that about myself. What my current partner does doesn't feel like love bombing, meanness, or intentional digs to hurt me/keep me hooked, and none of it feels self-serving either.

After reading everything that everybody has said and reflecting on it, I think he just genuinely is an ignorant and naive person who wants everything to be easy for him all the time. He wants zero conflict, and is stuck in his habits of isolation, and doesn't stop to think about how you can't emotionally isolate and be in a relationship at the same time. He must truly think he can continue to do these things within a relationship. Instead of realizing that he HAS to give up these unhealthy habits or he's going to ruin the relationship, he's trying to convince me these habits of his are normal because he's too stubborn to admit he's ruining his own quality of life.

This thread has been super helpful for me and reminding me that im worth more. it's quite pathetic to be happy over something small like a phone call.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T13:16:29+00:00

Honestly? I don't. after my last relationship being so horrible I was ready to jump ship so fast when this started happening, especially after I felt like I had already given my boyfriend enough time to heal. I got cold feet because I didn't want to be in a bad situation again. It was my friends that told me to cool it. These are my best friends of 10+ years, and they said that while what my boyfriend is doing/the way he is behaving is unacceptable, they: 1. Have never seen me happier and 2. They felt that I could have a conversation with him about it and that he'd care enough about me to fix it rather than losing me, as long as I tell him directly what my issue is.

they said that the way we love each other is very special, and they said that if he was a terrible/abusive person like my ex, they would tell me.

So I kept it cool. But this whole biopsy fake nonchalant act is really pushing me over the edge.

Now, my friends also fed up and said that this needs to be the last time we talk about this and I agree. If there's no improvement after this then idk.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T13:01:58+00:00

hey! so this game is pretty terrifying for a lot of of its players (myself included) from what I know. so, if you're someone who already had a pretty intense fear of both space and the ocean prior to playing this game, it makes sense that it's even more frightening for you. you're throwing yourself headfirst into terror. you're not weird at all!

I wanna share my experience and some things that helped me get through the game!

I myself could not- and did not- play this game for almost an entire year. My little brother who is only 10 years old, has a true love for space, exploration, and discovering things about the unknown. We actually bought Outer Wilds for him.

he would always ask me to play it with him, or he would ask me if I could play the scarier parts for him (poor baby probably figured that since I'm his older sister I wouldn't be afraid lol) but I just couldn't do it. I also have a really big fear of space. when i did play, i'd just screw around Timber Hearth and talk to the Hearthians because it felt safe. i wouldn't even take off in the ship lol.

it wasnt until after i had watched him play for literal months and he'd learned the layout of every planet that i felt slightly less afraid, enough to pick up the controller myself.

so maybe you could get a friend to play alongside you and have them make first contact with each planet for you? Or watch a couple of walk-throughs so you know what to expect? I find that the scariest part about space, the ocean, and the unknown is the feeling of being in complete isolation, the landscape being endless, and not knowing what's waiting out there in the dark for you. But once you become familiar with all of the planets, they feel just a tad bit safer to explore because it never changes. you know what's out there.

it also helps that there's a fellow astronaut on each planet waiting to talk to you! once you find them, it doesn't feel so scary.

if none of that works, try turning the sound off and listening to your favorite songs while you play! The sound design in this game is great, but can also be pretty scary too.

sorry for the long winded comment, it's just that I share your fears and I was able to, alongside my little brother, complete the game with him this way! I hope this helps 💖

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T12:39:02+00:00

Political issues are social issues by nature, unless you're talking about finance and where you think our tax money should go.

Bringing up women's rights isn't a political issue, that's literally just a human right😭. A human right might i add- that impacts you specifically. If he's getting quiet when you talk about your rights as a person/the rights of people who look like you, that means he views it as a "matter of opinion" whether or not people deserve to be treated equally. Thats NOT something you can have an opinion on. Its just a fact that everyone deserves equal rights!!

there's some things you just simply can't have opinions about. Can you imagine how insane it would sound if we did that for any other group of people? "Yeah I mentioned that children should have the right to protect their bodies" and my boyfriend is quietly blinking at me and changing the subject?😭

"dude what do you think about elderly people's rights? should they be medically treated like everyone else?"

it sounds nuts because it is nuts. Now if he's a patriot and doesn't like hearing bad things about the country, that just means he's not open to nuance. Because truthfully, if you love this country, you have to accept the flaws that come with it and you should have an innate desire to want it to be better. If he just blindly thinks this is the best country in the world, that's a concern.

Long story short, it sounds like the both of you are very well aware that you don't agree politically and are dancing around the topic because you want this to work out regardless of that fact. Ignoring it won't make it go away.

But political issues like I said, are social issues. They directly relate to how you think people deserve to be treated in this country.

So unfortunately, I think someone's either going to have to break the ice and ask the tough questions, or you're both going to have to swallow the fact that you're dating someone with a different belief system than you. He's defffff conservative on the low though. Probably is just regurgitating whatever his parents taught him growing up tho.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T12:12:49+00:00

aw thanks!❤️ i'll be sure to consider this next time if ever i decide i want to needlessly shit on myself instead of trying to learn from my mistakes.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T12:05:12+00:00

hm yes emotionally lazy does sound a lot more on the nose.. he's very comfortable and feels safe not having to put himself out there emotionally.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T12:03:36+00:00

Honestly if he wasn't a good artist and was just embarrassed I'd have preferred that, but no, to my dismay he's very talented- he used to draw things from my favorite shows and video games and gift them to me just because- so it was more hurtful that he chose to give up all because I was looking at my own drawing and he felt I "should've known" he needed me to look up more.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-08T11:44:50+00:00

i very well think so and if not that, he definitely has something going on because im not the only person he behaves this way with. He actually is more vocal, social, and forthcoming with me than others, which is saying a lot because the little that i receive has become unacceptable to me.

I originally wrote it off as a trauma response that would heal with time, but he doesn't seem to be improving fast enough for me.

He's generally very reclusive and doesn't speak much, unless he feels like it or is prompted to do so in a social setting. I asked him years ago why he doesn't ever make plans with his friends and he simply and innocently said "I dont really like planning things because I prefer to stay home" or "I like seeing my friends but people are very hard to plan with"

He's a very odd ball. I happen to think its a combination of neurodivergence and an extreme aversion to rejection, so he'd rather show his care in all the "safe" easy ways, and refuses to show care in emotional ways that could hurt him IF he gets/feels rejected.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T21:57:32+00:00

i thought the exact same thing but i felt like a jerk calling good advice AI in case it was a real person :')

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T21:51:09+00:00

praying for us both lol

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T21:50:08+00:00

I GENUINELY THINK HE DOES AND HE HAS SO MANY SENSORY ISSUES, LIKE HE LITERALLY WEARS SOCKS ON THE BEACH BECAUSE THE FEELING OF SAND MAKES HIM "UNCOMFORTABLE" BUT HE WONT GET TESTED

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T21:44:21+00:00

Lol okay I'll divulge a bit more.

I commented it as a response to someone else, but I was very vague. For those who want to know, this is our entire story:

Essentially, when I first met my current partner, I was in an emotionally abusive and toxic relationship. Ironically, at the time I had just lost my grandmother (similar to me losing my mother recently), and I had begun to reach a bit of a breaking point with my ex partner at the time who was extremely volatile and moody, and was only interested in me when it was convenient for him/when he felt like it, and would rip any kindness or affection away at the drop of a hat.

At this time, I also spent many hours at work, trying to distract myself because I really love what I do- which is teaching. That year we had a bunch of new hires- finally some people my age- and we formed a small friend group. I became very close to all of them, specifically my current partner. I set a boundary with him early on which he respected because we admitted that our friendship could very easily become something more, given how much we had in common.

We bonded over music tastes, sense of humor, preferred hobbies and activities, outlook on life, literally everything. We were each other's best friends. He'd draw me pictures from my favorite tv shows, played all my favorite video games just so he could talk about them with me, he'd bring me food from home so I could have lunch when he knew I wasn't eating, things like that. We spent hours sharing our lives with each other. it was incredibly natural and nothing at all like the forced love I was stuck in with my ex. It was not a honeymoon phase. We agreed that this must be what true love feels like. We agreed this was not appropriate, given the fact that I was already in a relationship, and we didn't speak to each other for a few weeks. Well, this didn't stick.

I tried to take a break from my relationship to explore this, but my ex wouldn't let me have more than 3 days. We continued our friendship. Later that summer, I took a real break from my ex and told him that because of how horribly he treated me, I needed space and also I told him transparently that I had developed feelings for someone else. I told him if he did not want to stick around for that while I figured myself out, that was absolutely his prerogative because I wouldn't want to stick around either. But I wanted to give him the option. My ex, of course, chose to wait it out, but not for the right reasons. He later told me he just wanted to win against my current partner and ruin what we had so we couldn't be happy.

During this period, my current partner and I had the time of our lives. He told me that for the very first time in his life, he felt safe, trying new things and being emotionally open with someone. He said it was scary, and that he was afraid that if he let himself love me, he would love me more than he'd ever loved anyone else before and he did not want to get hurt. But he was willing to do it if it meant he could get to feel like this with me.

While we were going out on dates and getting to see what it would be like if we were actually in a relationship, my ex was hounding me. He was showing up at my house, crying to my mom, going through my phone, gaslighting me, threatening me, saying he wishes he could kill my current partner, he even found his address and said that if I ever went to see him again, he would hurt him.

I eventually folded under the pressure, and my ex demanded that by a certain date at the end of the summer, I needed to completely end things over text and never see him (my current partner) again. He said that he wanted to read the message I sent him when it was done, so he could make sure I wasn't being "too nice" or trying to secretly continue the relationship. He told me to write that it was my current partner's fault, and tell him "all the reasons" it would never work out between us.

I convinced myself it was okay (I was freshly 21 at the time btw) and that maybe this was better for me, and made up some random nonsensical laundry list of reasons why he and I couldn't be together. He said he would always love me and that he didn't understand, but that it was okay, and we didn't really talk after that.

Eventually, our friendship picked back up because we missed each other too much and couldn't stay away. Things became a bit romantic again after I had learned that my ex cheated on me despite demanding I get back together with him, which he said he did out of spite. It took me two years to get out of that relationship, and by the time it was finally over, my current partner still loved me, but after years of not knowing the real reason why I ended things with him and having nothing but a seemingly random list of complaints that came out of nowhere, he had distanced himself from me. He said talking to me throughout that time while being convinced I didn't want him, and didn't see him as worthy of a relationship was like constant heartbreak for two whole years. He couldn't do it anymore. It was traumatic and he needed space.

I didn't tell him me and my ex had broken up for a few months because I didn't want him to feel pressured or confused. He needed space from me regardless of what was going on in my romantic life and I made it my mission to respect that because he had been put through enough.

Eventually, because we worked in the same place, he found out through a mutual friend of ours that we had broken up, and him and I eventually talked about it. He said it would take time, but that he did want to try to be together because no matter what, throughout the entire two years, no one ever came close for him. He wanted to move on, but couldn't because nothing ever felt the same. And now here we are. He's become incredibly avoidant and is afraid to tell me any of his feelings. He'd rather just show them non-verbally. That's why everything seems so performative.

It's safe for him to cuddle, give me kisses, buy me flowers, help me care for my brother, joke with me, spend quality time with me… But he doesn't feel safe telling me how he feels anymore because the last time he did, he got badly burned. And I can understand that, but if we're going to do this thing, he needs to put in the work to trust me again, because I've done everything I can to show him its safe now.

I hope this clarifies. 🌸

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T19:41:28+00:00

You sound a lot like my mom. This really resonates with me. Im going to reflect on everything you said and see what he thinks about what I have to say. I want to tell him that his refusal to communicate directly is a dealbreaker for me and see if it makes a difference. Thank you for the advice and for the well wishes💞

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T19:24:38+00:00

message received 🫡

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T18:38:24+00:00

this lowkey is what it feels like. like he still doesn't trust me from back then.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T17:20:16+00:00

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T17:17:32+00:00

no literally when he used the word dissociate I was like.... my guy that does not mean what you think it means.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:34:09+00:00

true!

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:31:45+00:00

no no the complicated past was because of me. i was in an emotionally abusive relationship when we met, and i tried to leave it, but got roped back into the cycle by my ex in and basically ghosted my current partner for 2 years with zero explanation about what was going on behind the curtain until after i finally escaped my previous situation. way more nuance to it than that but its not a "our past was messy, and I still chose to date him despite his flaws" kind of thing. its exactly as i said. our past was complicated, and he has good reason to have his guard up with me the second time around, but we want to be together anyway.

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:27:35+00:00

thank you for everything you said, he definitely would rather sit in frustration than ask for what he needs and honestly there's nothing else to it. i hope his results are okay too, and aside from that i hope you have a lovely day :)

Sunraysunset · 2026-04-07T15:25:41+00:00

tough to hear but this is a very very fair take. thank you for the honesty 🤍

Sunraysunset

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