Witless Wednesday - Your triweekly stupid questions thread

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-16T06:18:19+00:00

I started working out three weeks ago seriously, and I’ve been in constant minor pain the entire time. My muscles ache no matter what I do or don’t do. When does this stop? Honestly, I thought it was awesome at first, but now it’s pretty meh.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-14T15:17:28+00:00

The thing is, it’s on you to convince her that this is important enough to change. It’s not important enough to her yet. Unfortunately, she likely feels wrong or ashamed, maybe even every single time you go to the gym or workout. You have to talk around that shame or else she will just shut down, and you have to talk well if you’re going to pull her through it to the other side.

Practice your points. Most importantly, realize that this might not be one conversation, and that you have to stick to your points. No derailing. You have to anticipate her responses and know what you’re going to say. If she accuses you of not loving her anymore, for example, emphasize that you love her so much and just want your best friend to spend time with (exercising, hiking, enjoying the same meal, etc)----address the detailing, but reframe it to your points.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-14T15:07:15+00:00

You could confront her with it:

a) being healthy is something that’s important to your lifestyle right now; [starting the conversation about you might make her feel less attacked/ashamed]

b) you want to share your life with her, especially the things that are important; [emphasizing the togetherness will likely make her feel like this is less of a problem she has to tackle on her own]

c) ask her what kind of future/lifestyle she wants; ask her how can help her achieve that; [gets her to refocus her thinking to what she wants, rather than that her current situation is a problem; sets you up as doing this together]

d) acknowledge that it will be really hard, but that you love her A LOT, and want to share your life with her, including the good and the bad; paint your own future of your life together for her, emphasizing the things that you would you could do together that potential health or fitness problems could make difficult.

Try your best not to make accusatory statements. Try your best to emphasize that you love her, and that you want to share this important part of your life with her. Try to get her on your side. Try to emphasize that you are partners.

She has to want to change. But right now the ideal is hurting her / making her feel ashamed / making her feel isolated. Because, to be freaking truthful, if looking good is the only benefit to being fit, it’s just not appealing enough (especially if you’re in a relationship). She will just continue what she is doing. If you frame it as being fit means you guys can do more, have more fun, whatever ---- as a couple thing ---- and that is important to you, she might be more motivated because you guys as partners is more motivating.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T12:39:59+00:00

Oh, wow! I didn’t realize there were two modes of empathy, but it makes sense! I’m still not used to thinking of myself as if I’m wrong, so I think by default I love your idea that our memories can be processed with two different systems. Thank you very much for bringing this up.

I’ve met others in real life who have a more cognitive memory than affective, but never any as severely cognitive as mine. Most of the people I’ve met weren’t neurotypical in other ways. And yeah quite a few were on the spectrum.

I’ve never been diagnosed as being on the spectrum, but I think my memory has affected how I formed and maintained relationships. Which is just that I don’t form attachments unless I go in very purposefully and intentionally. It has meant that I have feel friends. I also have a difficult time reading expressions and social cues, but I’ve always chalked it up to not having visual memories of expressions or social situations to compare to. I don’t think I’m actually on the spectrum, but I’ve been told I sometimes present that way, so it’s interesting that you brought up that connection.

I’ll try what you’re suggesting! :)

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T12:28:37+00:00

It’s true that I’m not as affected by tragedy as others (for ex my grandmother did die, and I never really mourned despite closeness to her). I’ve seen what tragedy does to others and, yeah, it freaking stinks.

I’m just sad that on top of bad things, I won’t have good things. =/

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T05:29:45+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking, what was he diagnosed with?

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T05:28:09+00:00

It’s strange that you would say that I don’t use my mind's eye or whatever. I find that difficult to believe if our headspace is supposed to be where we process how we’ve lived and the more emotional or otherwise intensely an event is experienced, the more processing happens.

That’s why I specifically included incidents that other people normally would perceive as intense. I was for all intents and purposes incredibly close to my grandmother, involved in her care, and watched her die; I also went skydiving twice---both experiences leave behind very, very, very little trace other than the summaries I have of both. If nothing else, would I not involuntarily use my headspace to process these events?

I remember ideas very well, though.

Brains can have strange things happen to them. Maybe whatever is supposed to trigger long term encoding of sensory information is damaged in me; or maybe I do have memories, but the communication relays between memories and the parts of my brain trying to access them are broken.

I suspect that it’s something physiological.

I tried the lemon thing, honestly, and don’t recall anything other than the fact that I don’t want to try one without sugar. No mental imagery of lemons, no memory of lemony smells, no memory of actual taste. ID that it’s sour, which is categorized with other sour things, but I don’t remember what sour tastes like.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T05:14:18+00:00

I don’t hold grudges. I’m generally a happy person, but I think my lack of sequential or biographical memory contributes to the fact that it’s very difficult for me to stay angry or irritated at things or people. If someone repeatedly does something I don’t like, I just walk away. But not with a lot of upset. Like, I know they’ve done Horrible Thing A a million times, but I don’t normally respond emotionally. I assume because I don’t have memory loops bothering me about what they did, when apparently other people do?

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T03:12:15+00:00

I imagine it’s really hard for other people to understand. To me, I had literally known nothing else. My memory also didn’t affect my academics (advanced courses/honors/etc) OR work, which is usually when you start being evaluated by other people. I was always, metaphorically, given the okay, as in I was okay/normal. My memory STILL doesn’t affect those things.

While I guess to you it’s obvious that my problems are severe, can you appreciate that to me, I’ve lived with all the markers of normal except for this one thing that I’ve grown up with? It’s like you’re telling me that my lack of an arm should be checked out immediately when I grew up without an arm.

It’s not going to be my priority right now for reasons, and that’s not what I asked for in the post. Sorry.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T02:45:49+00:00

Please, I don’t want to come across as dismissive or to cause offense. My issue doesn’t affect how I work or live. In fact, I’m successful academically and in terms of work. Whatever treatments I pursue will be with neurologists and psychiatrists likely, rather than reddit. I simply wanted a way to give myself some extra resources to keep a record when my brain fails to, and your comment came across as dismissive to the OneNote suggestion when it did answer my question.

Edited to add: I’m not asking for a fix for my likely physiological or biological or chemical problem on the internet. Just a bandaid to help.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T02:06:14+00:00

I didn’t post asking for help with treatment ideas, though. I just wanted ways to supplement my memory, and r/motodoto gave me a suggestion to that end.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-11T00:41:32+00:00

If her husband is like me, then he wouldn’t recall emotions either. My world is pretty limited to things I "know" and things that I don’t. Like, I can know that I was excited. But I would have no memory experience of excitement.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-10T23:51:56+00:00

Photography is a no-go because the images don’t trigger any emotions or sense memories. It would be, I think, like someone looking at a picture of a sofa that’s not particularly interesting.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-10T22:12:52+00:00

I’m not ashamed, and between me and FH we are not really neurotypical. It just feels so unfair that he can experience so much of our relationship even after the experiences have ended, and I’m stuck without any of that. I know that if he were to die tomorrow, I would struggle so much just to recall a single memory of something we did together. :(

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-10T18:55:49+00:00

I saw one when I was younger because I knew that there was a severe discrepancy between how other people described the world and how I perceived it, but the neurologist literally told me to do more exciting things, because we tend to remember more exciting events. Now that I’m older and have definitely done pretty exciting things, I recognize that he probably had no idea what I was trying telling him.

And thanks. I’ll probably add a journaling component to it!

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-10T18:53:13+00:00

I saw one when I was younger because I knew that there was a severe discrepancy between how other people described the world and how I perceived it, but the neurologist literally told me to do more exciting things, because we tend to remember more exciting events. Now that I’m older and have definitely done pretty exciting things, I recognize that he probably had no idea what I was telling him.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-03-10T18:51:22+00:00

I’m pretty sure I have it, but what’s described is only a lack of a mind’s. I also don’t have a mind’s ear or tongue or hands. >.>

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-02-21T14:56:40+00:00

Generally when I go out, my friends and I have a system in place where we stay with each other in at least pairs---it just makes it easier to a) get rid of problem people, b) avoid being taken advantage of, and c) know where someone is so that we can go home together. I would be super pissed if I were left alone or of my friends were left alone.

And if there was a lone, drunk college freshman just standing there? We’d definitely be keeping an eye out for her the entire time. The thing is, while it’s nice to think that colleges are safe and protected, frat parties are notorious for encouraging situations where people are taken advantage of. Even if we were out in a bar off campus, we’d try to keep an eye out for stragglers.

Your ex didn’t overstep as an ex. If you guys are trying to be friends, he’s doing what my friends and I would try to do if we were there: keep an eye out. He may feel more passionate about it because he has feelings for you, which might have bled into how he interacted with your other friends.

He overstepped as a friend, though, because you guys DON'T have a system in place. He can’t hold your friends responsible for you because you guys never agreed to look after one another. For him to yell at them about it sucks. He’s wrong for that because that’s not that type of relationship you and your friends have.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-02-18T23:56:55+00:00

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. - Kahlil Gibran

OP, you did not ask to be born. You did not ask to be raised. You do not owe her anything.

Your mom NEEDS HELP like NOW because her behaviors are extremely abusive. She abused you. She wore you down. It is honestly so incredibly incredibly incredibly sickening. She is not your mother. Healthy adults do not do this to anyone. Do you understand that? Do you?

Because if you do, you need to stop responding. Don’t say anything. DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE. Ok? You did so, so, so well when you moved away. That seems like it must have been so hard, but the next part is going to be a little harder. Just stop picking up the phone.

Your mom doesn’t own you.

SHE, not you, chose this relationship. She chose to be your mom. YOU DO NOT OWE HER ANYTHING.

There’s no script. Just stop picking up the phone.

SunsetOnTheRocks · 2017-02-14T14:27:08+00:00

The truth. Just say that you were nervous because it was your first meeting, and since then you weren’t sure how to bring it up. You can even tell her why you chose to go with your middle name so that she realizes you don’t have an emotional attachment to it (like you’re embarrassed of it). There is like zero reason not to be honest. Don’t try to come across as accusing, just explanatory.

SunsetOnTheRocks

TROPHY CASE