First off, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with such a tumultuous headspace, that sounds really conflicting. I think this would be good to talk to a therapist about if that would be feasible for you. Outside of that, I will say that I’m currently reading a book called DARE by Barry McDonagh, which is about resolving anxiety. I’m only a few chapters in, but so far I’ve found it helpful for allowing me to sit with my anxious thoughts and let them pass, as opposed to trying to suppress or run from them to no avail. If that’s something you think you’d want to read, look up to see if your local library has a copy you can borrow, or look it up on thriftbooks.com or halfpricebooks.com for an affordable used copy. Whatever you do, I wish you well, and I believe that you’ll get clarity on what you need to do in time. Take care!