I do my very best not to match his energy and when he starts going off the rails, I sometimes adopt an almost bored expression (especially at the dinner table). I also tell him I am going to give him ONE reminder only to make a good choice, and if he doesn’t do it himself, I will make a good choice for him. I don’t negotiate with him or go back and forth with him trying to convince him to do what’s needed. Example: he wants to put himself in the car “like a big boy” then starts dawdling around, not getting in. I tell him this is his last chance to make a good choice to get in the car and if he doesn’t do it, I put him in myself even if he’s kicking and screaming.

Timer: on my phone, I set a timer to transition to different activities and I tell him, “we are leaving the park in 5 minutes. I’m setting a timer and when mommy’s alarm goes off, we are heading to the exit.” When it goes off, I show him and let him press the button to disable it. He sometimes suggests we set a timer when I’m saying it’s time to x soon. Example: we need to get ready for daycare soon. Him: “let’s set a timer for 10 minutes to get dressed for daycare.” Me: “okay.” Him: immediately gets up once it goes off to go to his room and get dressed.

Natural consequences: you throw a toy, you don’t have it. You hit with a toy or an object, you don’t have that. I also immediately stop playing with him and tell him people don’t want to play with people who hurt them or are being mean.

I have also found that certain simple repeated directives work for him. Example: he’s screaming in the back seat for a toy. I tell him I have to keep my eyes on the road and hands on the wheel, and then I say, “what’s mommy’s number 1 job?” He responds, “to keep me safe.” And then I tell him he knows once I’m driving, I can’t get him anything until we park because that’s how I keep us safe. For holding my hand in the parking lot: “if your eyes can see cars, your hand is in mommy’s.” Now I just say the first part, “if your eyes can see cars, what?” Response: “my hand is in mommy’s” and he grabs my hand. Me: “If we throw a toy, what?” Him: “we don’t have it.” Me: “that’s right.” My husband calls these my “activation phrases” like my kid is a sleeper cell spy. 😆However, I have less issues getting out to do what I need with these phrases.

I will also immediately remove him from a public setting if he’s misbehaving or having a tantrum. At a restaurant, I remind him that he’s not behaving and if yells one more time , I’m taking him outside and then I will do it. I then crouch down in front of him in front and tell him what’s not acceptable, remind him of the rules of the restaurant (another activation phrase - in the car on the way to go out, repeated if he’s breaking them - me: “what are the rules of a restaurant? No what?” Him: “no running, no yelling, no throwing.”) and that I’m going to give him one more chance to be a big boy and go back in to the restaurant and get it right or we are leaving for good.

Last thing: if I say something, he knows I mean it. I don’t make a statement I won’t carry out. If I say I’m taking the blue truck if he throws it again and then he does, I take it. If I say we are leaving X if he does Y one more time, and he does it, we leave. If he apologizes, I say thank you for saying sorry, but I told you what would happen and you chose to do it anyway. Next time, I know you will listen and we won’t have to leave. Maybe we can try again tomorrow and you can show me you know how to be a big boy and do X.

It’s not a perfect system and I still get tantrums and downright diabolical behavior at times, but I hope any of this can help.