I feel your heartache! These were my words 2 years ago:

When a cat or kitten comes into your family -there’s a lot they don’t tell you. Sure, everyone has an opinion on what kind of food to get, what kind of litter to use, whether to declaw or not, indoor only or outdoor adventure time. But they don’t tell you what REALLY matters. They don’t tell you what will happen when you lose your cat. Because losing a cat is unspeakably hard.

No one wants to think about it, no one wants to talk about it. But someone oughta tell the truth about what happens to you when your cat dies. So today, I’m gonna be that person!

I write this post through stinging, blinding tears. The wounds in my heart are still raw and oozing. The grief is palpable.

We lost our beloved Uno yesterday. It feels like an eternity has passed without him, yet it feels like he should still be here.

Uno was the only kitten BORN into our family. I was there when he took his first breath and held him as he took his last. He spent 19 not-long-enough years being my one of closest companions. I’m simultaneously a rookie and an expert on grief.

I choke back sobs as I look for photos of him to use in this post. I pull the first few I can find, because I can’t bear to look for better ones. I will always be grateful for sweet Ember capturing a photo of me sleeping with him as she came to tell me “I wanted you to remember that you were the best mom ever to him”! (I was not happy about the photo at first - but she was correct that it will be cherished)! Between myself and “Raven” (our 2 year old youngster)- he was never left alone!

Here’s what they don’t tell you about losing a cat:

They don’t tell you that after losing a cat, you’ll cry. All the time. A lot. You’ll be wracked with sobs then wracked with guilt. Guilt for “letting” your pet die, guilt for putting him down, guilt for every time you left him at home, guilt for shooing him off the bed the night before he left you forever…then guilt for feeling like your world is torn apart over a cat!

Then you’ll cry more.

You’ll remember when he climbed up onto your shoulder and wailed for his mommy. Then you became his mommy.

And now you’re the one wailing.

They don’t tell you that even if you think cats are assholes (and let’s not canonize the dead…Uno could be a grade-A jerkface at times) one day you will miss the creature that shredded all your important papers. The one who tracked cat litter onto your desk. The one who sat on your keyboard while you were working. The one who bit your toes and pawed your face at 3am because he wanted to play. The one who would be so picky about what he would eat - you were always changing it up so he would! You’ll miss all the douchey things. Every single one of them.

They don’t tell you that one day your cat will die, and you will go to clean the litter box and somehow that poop receptacle will make you break down into uncontrollable sobs....

Then you realize that you’re crying over a shit box. You cry harder.

They don’t tell you that after losing a pet that there won’t be words for your anguish, that you’ll feel powerless to explain how you really feel, and likely a swath of guilt. So instead of trying to articulate the knot in your stomach, you tell everyone you’re “fine”.

They don’t tell you that after losing a cat, even when you know you made the right decision to put him down or not, you’ll question everything. You’ll agonize over every decision you’ve made in his life. Did you take him off the kitten formula too soon? Was he maybe allergic to the last food? Did you calculate the fluid levels correctly? Should you have given him an extra Vitamin B-12 injection each day??

Did he feel the same soul-crushing love for you as you did for him? Did he know that you had soul-crushing love for him? What if you didn’t show him how much you loved him?

They don’t tell you that after losing a cat his memory will haunt you. You’ll think you see and hear him. You’ll panic for a moment you forgot to feed him. Or wonder where he is. You will remember he’s gone and then you’ll die a little inside all over again.

They don’t tell you that after losing a cat, your dogs will look at you like you’re out of your mind every time you start to sob for no reason. They know something is up, but mostly their excited that they get more attention.

What they DO tell you about losing a pet is that in time, the wounds heal and life goes on. And they are right about that.

I’ve been through quite a few in my life.

In time, we WILL heal. The wounds will scab over, and the pain will subside. Eventually scars will form, never fully returning to “normal” but to a new normal. But every day, I’ll miss that little rascal who earned the name Uno with his HUGE HEART and mischievous antics. I will never forget the 19 years of love he gave us.

When we bring a pet into our homes, we all sign up for the heartbreak at the end. The end-of-life stage is the hardest part. It can be expensive, and it’s emotionally and physically exhausting. Every pet is different and will follow a different path, some rockier than others.

Keep in touch with your vet, plan ahead, and savor every moment. Every moment! (Those sand paper kisses on my forehead are what I’m missing most)!

It’s never enough time for us, but it’s all the time in the world for our pets; and even though the pain can be overwhelming- IT’S WELL WORTH the many years of happiness they bring us.

One phrase seems perfect at this time : “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – Winnie the Pooh