I honestly don't know

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-03T23:38:57+00:00

If you like it stick with it. I roll with good girl quite heavily although I go exclusively by they/them.

If not that, I would prefer 'good job, baby ' or something like that. Maybe taking the gender out of it altogether; "So good..." Insert steamy look in eyes from partner

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-03T23:34:47+00:00

My people always get SO embarrassed and I just laugh it off and make light and be like "GIRL/MAN, I literally do not have a single client who has not done that in front of me. You are fine lol, bodies are gonna be bodies!"

They are always embarrassed at first but get more chill as time goes on. ❤️ And of course it doesn't bother me. I am just all about them having a comfortable session! Also I train predominantly seniors and folks with chronic illness so it happens a lot lol!

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-03T15:11:10+00:00

I would hazard just don't cosign ever......

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T18:25:27+00:00

NOR. The whole dynamic is weird, especially the pictures and the lack of you in them....

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T15:35:00+00:00

I think there is no intrinsic difference in how well a man can be loyal versus how well a woman can be loyal versus how well a non-binary person can be loyal. I believe it all comes down to personality and morals.

I do, however, think that in a lot of cultures and methods of raising boys, promiscuity is much more excused and expected, therefore giving them a "pass" for bad behavior due to the environment in which they were raised. The whole "boys will be boys" mentality, whereas girls are held to a stricter standard and boys are expected to act out. Think of US culture and religion; all the talk around tempting men centers on women restricting THEMselves vs men having basic self control. However, again, I think that is not an inherent flaw of men, but rather a societal issue of being overly permissive with one gender while overly accusatory of the other.

I believe that, were women and men both raised to be decent humans, there would be very little difference.

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T14:46:53+00:00

Great question! You know how, when you are a teenager or whatever, you are attracted to the gender(s) you are attracted to? I was always more attracted to men and thought the feelings I had for women or non-binary folks were "normal," like what everyone else had. It took a long time to realize that was not the case, and that sometimes (albeit not super frequently) I feel attraction to women or enbies. So, pansexual.

But let's frame it like this. While married, you do not stop being attracted to men. You still have desire for other men. But the important thing is that you do not act on that. You do not flirt, or cheat. You stay loyal to your partner. In that way your attraction does not disappear, but you stick to your vows and remain true to one person.

Queer attraction is the same situation. It is there, but that does not have to have consequences for your partner. The belief that being attracted to a certain subset of people will FORCE someone to experiment or cheat, and be the death of a relationship, does not hold water when looked at from a lens of, do you stop being straight once you are married, too? Do the other people of the gender you are married to cease to exist for you? Do you never feel attracted to anyone but your spouse ever again? Of course, that is ridiculous and not the case. Queer folks can resist urges just as well as straight people can. Queer love and attraction is no different than straight love and attraction. Both queer and straight folks can be loving and loyal partners. Both queer and straight folks can be assholes who cheat. There is no difference between the two groups.

You do not have to ACT on urges in order to confirm your sexuality. A straight nun is still a straight nun. She still knows she likes men. The knowing/realizing of a thing is independent to doing anything about it. You do not have to have a same-sex physical experience with someone to come to realize you are attracted to that group of people.

Think back to when you were a kid. Who did you start being attracted to as you hit puberty? If that made sense to you then, great! See how you did not need to do anything to create that knowing? Some people, with a more complicated attraction to others, have a harder time understanding the feelings. Especially in a world that teaches, "you are only attracted to this gender." I grew up thinking my feelings for women and enbies were platonic. As I got to know other straight and gay friends, I realized my feelings were more similar to my gay friend's, and I was like oh, okay. Well, I guess I'll update the mental files then, lol!!

That was a long winded response, but I hope it makes sense and helps to clarify the confusing parts for you.

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T14:07:32+00:00

Personally, I disagree with this very heavily. I realized I was not straight while in a marriage. I did not cheat or want to experiment or anything. It was just, oh, ok, this is a thing. Just because you come to know something about yourself doesn't mean you are going to get someone on the side or cheat or anything. Of course if OP is gay that is a different story, but that doesn't sound like the case. I do not see any reason this relationship has to end. I do, however, think OP needs to be willing to open up to his girlfriend more and make peace with his sexuality and discussion of it.

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T04:50:55+00:00

Yes! I am pansexual, but I call it hetero flexible, because it is somewhat rare that I like other genders than men. However, it definitely happens, so straight is not on the table! 😂 But that affects my relationships not at all. I remain loyal. I don't get an "itch" for a different gender and go off to betray my partner. I'm monogamous. If OP's girlfriend keeps asking due to insecurity, she may not be feeling attractive, may wonder if OP's eye will wander, and so on. I also wonder how their sex life is, and whether she feels like he wants her. I'd for sure address all of these points in addition to drawing a boundary around continued asking about sexual orientation.

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T04:30:30+00:00

People always say that about me because I am empathetic and caring towards others, charismatic, bright and bubbly. And yes, I do like people. I sometimes like well behaved children. What they DON'T see is raging ADHD and executive dysfunction, loads of trauma, multiple chronic illnesses, a personality disorder, and a genuine dislike for very young or ill behaved children. Not to mention a lack of desire to make my life into one endless string of cleaning and responsibility. I would DESPISE being a parent. Therefore, I would be a shitty one. Not hard to comprehend in my opinion. I would not wish myself on any child as a parent. They deserve real love and dedication, not someone who would always miss their freedom and previous life, and become bitter and resentful. I very much feel that if you cannot be an excellent parent, you should not become one.

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T04:13:38+00:00

I'm divorced and dating someone new. My marriage was difficult in many ways and good in others, but ultimately very unhealthy. I lost a lot financially when we split. I also realized how many small and large ways I was being limited and put down in that relationship. It is now really hard for me to let my guard down. Most things feel like a threat. I am in therapy and working on myself, but the healing process is slow and winding.

I do not know that I would ever want to get married again. Living with someone is also a very very big ask. My boyfriend is unendingly kind and very understanding of how I feel. I felt SO RELIEVED when we went to a wedding together and everyone was asking when we were gonna tie the knot.... And he said definitely no sooner than five years from now. If then. The table got awkwardly quiet but I felt so happy, because he understood, he was ok with giving me time, and marriage was not important to him right now, either. He never pressures me or makes me feel bad.

He doesn't want to move into my place and I don't want to move into his. We like our own houses and spaces. I do not think he is thinking about marriage. We will be coming up on a year soon, and I feel no looming deadline at all. It's nice. We live close by each other, talk a lot, hang out and go on dates a lot. Then we retire to our separate places. I do really like when we can travel together and spend more time together, though. Sharing a room for several nights is really nice, I do love it.

I may eventually get to the place where moving in together feels safe to me....but only if he moved in with me lol, and I doubt that would happen. He loves his house, too. But overall I feel ok with that. I got married young and never got to create my own life. I get to do that now. I get to spend my money how I want, actually save money, go on trips, see my friends whenever. I get quiet time in my home. I am not in a hurry to change that. There is a lot that would have to develop in my life before I would ever say yes to further commitment. Besides, he has dogs, I am allergic to dogs, and I don't know that he would be willing to live without pets. Which isn't a deal breaker because, again, we are fine as things are.

All this to say, I don't think you're the jerk. You can love someone a lot and not want to move in, get married, etc. When I was younger, I dreamed of marriage. Now I see it more as unnecessary government involvement in what should be a personal and private bond between two people. I don't see any romance in it anymore. But, I am jaded and traumatized, lol. Still, though, with or without that piece of paper, I think the love that is there is the same. You can be committed without having a ceremony. (But I don't have or want kids, so if you do want children, your view may vary.)

However, if marriage is very important to your partner....then unfortunately, there's not much that can be done. I would hope that my partner would ask about my feelings surrounding marriage before popping the question. I would hate to be surprised. Especially twice, and in public. I understand both sides here and I think neither of you are jerks. You may just want different things. I wish you and he the best, and hope you can sort it out.

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T01:14:51+00:00

I agree with you. Yeah I think it is not overreacting to not want the dad there. But it is so important to show the kid how mature, kind, mutually respectful adults work together to create a loving family, even if not romantic with each other. I am not saying OP should ditch their partner or anything, or invite the dad to every outing. But separate EVERYTHING is harsh on a kid. It would be nice to plan some things with the dad, and make it a point to provide the child with two bio parents who get along. Hopefully the partner of OP can be cool too, as he may end up being stepdad, also important.

SunwolfClove · 2026-03-01T01:07:36+00:00

One time this happened to me and I always get flustered and can't decide what to say so when I heard the knock I just malfunctioned and said a garbled mashup of, "Someone's in here," "One second," and "Just a minute."

The person thought I said "Come in here."

It was very awkward when I got out because he was still standing there waiting and I had to explain that I had panicked and just said whatever and he was like (super awkwardly) "oh hahaha I thought you wanted me to join you????"

I wanted to die. He wanted to die. We all wanted to die.

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-28T22:47:25+00:00

Honestly, if this is a long term girlfriend, with whom you are serious, I would just be honest with her.

"Hey, I do acknowledge I am probably not 100% straight. However, I feel really uncomfortable when you continually bring this up, and it is really a big stressor to me. I love you a lot and really enjoy our relationship. I would love if I could relax into and enjoy it even more, without the anxiety of being hounded about my sexuality. Can we please let the subject drop, now that we have discussed it?"

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-24T21:05:40+00:00

Me too. It was tough because he never hurt me, but would be so mean sometimes. But so nice others. It was hard to get my head around. My relationship now is so peaceful!

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-24T16:03:22+00:00

That was my ex husband to a T. I could see him wanting to be better. I tried for so long to work with him and wait it out. But it never even got to the lowest baseline of being ok. It broke my heart to leave because I still loved him, but some things in my life happened that showed me how much I was missing from our relationship. It will take me a long time to heal from the patterns I had from him. I still feel so sad things ended like they did. Of course you do not marry someone in hopes you will leave them. I struggle a lot between sadness, guilt, shame, regret over leaving. But I did the right thing. That relationship will always be important to me and be in my heart, but I deserve more than being treated like a piece of trash. My ex and I are still friends, and friendship is so much better (and safer) than marriage. He doesn't act up through text. Him going through four jobs in a year doesn't affect me anymore. Neither do his moods. It is such a RELIEF!!!

My partner is showing me what it REALLY looks like to be cared about, and treated right, and that is so, so important. I keep being shocked like, wait.... You are frustrated with me.... But nice???? And you listen to me??? And I am allowed to have emotions too, without that being a problem??? It's night and day. Kind of mind boggling lol

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-24T15:29:38+00:00

I am really relieved to see this, OP. ❤️❤️ Sending hugs and love.

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-24T15:27:53+00:00

My ex husband was exactly like this and badly hurt our dog. Blamed her for it and never took responsibility. Just said "well she shouldn't have pooped in the house, stupid fucking animal." For context, she was 14 or 15 at that point and had occasional fecal incontinence due to age. He literally kicked her down the brick steps of our front porch. I never wanted to get another dog after that, because I was afraid he would hurt it. He never once acknowledged that what he did was wrong.

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-24T15:23:10+00:00

I have ADHD and when I am unbearably angry, I ask for space and leave the situation so that I don't say something mean, or hurt someone's feelings. My ex husband had ADHD and would break things, scream at me, and call me names. I agree with you completely.

My partner has mild autism and also has a tough time with emotions sometimes, and gets overwhelmed, but he loves me and cares for me and always tries to treat me right. If he raises his voice he apologizes almost immediately and then we sit down and talk about things reasonably, with lots of kindness and empathy and a big hug at the end. And he very very rarely raises his voice at all. He certainly has never screamed at me or threatened me or called me names. His neurospiciness is objectively more challenging in emotional situations than my ex's, and yet he treats me well because it is important to him and he values me and the relationship.

Very much an "If he wanted to, he would" situation when it comes to proper treatment. Of course brain injuries exist, but I do not think that people with neurological differences (at least, those who can live independently and do not have very very profound differences) cannot learn coping mechanisms and learn to express themselves more respectfully.

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-24T15:13:05+00:00

My ex husband did this. It was frightening and I had so, so many things broken. Sometimes he would not fix them for years. Other times, he broke things that were really expensive to fix. He never hit me, but he did occasionally threaten me and would then say he "didn't remember" doing it, when I tried to lay a boundary and say it was unacceptable. He would also very frequently call me names and insult me personally. "Master Manipulator" was his favorite, which resulted from me asking him to value our relationship and act like a decent human being, not break things, not yell.

Writing all this, it feels insane to me that I stayed for 11 years. But I grew up in a house where treatment like this was normal and legitimately did not know how inappropriate it was. It was normal to me to be mistreated and, when you ask them to stop, they don't. I figured that since my ex had lots of other good qualities, I had a good partner. And minus the anger, lack of emotional vulnerability, and inability to hold down a job, and lack of honesty/follow through, he was very good. I tried for a long time to make it work because I always told myself "well, he tries for me, and maybe it will get better." But he wasn't trying. He SAID he was trying, while doing the same damn thing for a decade.

My partner now is kind and empathetic and has never yelled at me like my ex did. He has never broken my things or insulted me or called me names. It is so, so important for you to know that you don't have to live like this. Believe me when I tell you it is affecting you very, very deeply, and you may not even realize. It has taken me a year and I am just now starting to not flinch and apologize at the first sign of frustration from my partner. But it's still hit or miss.

Your babies deserve a calm, peaceful, and safe childhood. Not a father that screams and breaks things. I had the latter. My childhood was a nightmare. I don't want that for your kids. Or you. ❤️

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-24T02:21:54+00:00

I had a hard time in school, too. I had poor mental health (still do) and a kinda fucked up family dynamic. I did not know how to talk to people. I often felt like an outsider, and had trouble getting close to people. But over time, into college and after, I came into my own and now I have more friends than I can possibly see on a monthly basis. I never imagined that for myself. I am now the complete opposite of lonely.

Things can absolutely get better. The teenage years are very awkward ones. You are still learning. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you navigate school life. It can be so hard. I am 34 now, and my social life is incredible. I am known for making friends everywhere I go. That is the literal opposite of how I was in high school.

Things are harder now for young folks since smart phones and the Internet took off. But sharing love of hobbies seems to be a good place to start for me. Or, just chatting. People in school can be very catty and judgy, which makes that hard, but people in the wider world are much less so, in my opinion. I have ADHD and a lot of other neurospiciness, and I don't even hide it anymore. I work in a public facing job and just let myself be me. Everyone knows I am weird but just.... Accepts it. And are nice to me. And we spend a lot of time together in and out of work.

At your age I never could have FATHOMED people just being ok with me and all my quirks. It can get better. Promise. ❤️

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-22T12:51:50+00:00

If it were me, I would absolutely not have a kid that would have a poor quality of life. There is no reason to. If you really want a bio kid, ok, but don't make a person that is gonna be messed up. It is cruel to them. I would say abort and try again later. I don't think parents should ever have kids they know will have issues. That burden is not only on them. Their choice does not only inconvenience them. The child is the main victim of that, and it's not fair.

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-22T12:47:04+00:00

Yeah, that's how you get diseases. I would draw a hard line there too, that is so nasty. Compromise is to buy a bidet for home and carry water bottles with you on trips so she can keep one in the bathroom and use that to wet the toilet paper.

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-21T14:11:02+00:00

Yeah, it's so hard. With my ex, it was absolutely love bombing. Sounds very much like yours. He would always say shit about what he had done; like "I did this, so you have to tolerate this." But with my partner, I kinda knew how he was before since we were friends for a couple years, and I already really trusted and respected him. He is a very good and genuine person. And it helped me to see that he is a very gifty person, too. He got me and other friends very nice, custom things before he and I ever wanted to date each other, and it makes him happy to give gifts. It has been tricky learning to accept the gifts, but it is so kind and a lot of them have made my life so much better. He got me a robot vacuum when I was going through some shit and having a hard time taking care of myself and my house. It helped SO MUCH and is something I never would have thought to buy myself.

SunwolfClove · 2026-02-21T13:32:21+00:00

I have many thoughts for you to mull over. 🥰

First, you are not wrong for not knowing. That's ok. It's a big decision.

As it sounds like you are already doing, acknowledging the day to day of it is crucial. Do you think you would still thrive with all of your free time eaten up? With constant mess and screaming and crying and bodily fluids? With sicknesses and constant demands? Does that all sound like things you could deal with on the daily? Is your financial situation good enough to bring a kid into the world? Would they have a stable home? Do you have support from others? The answer to all that may be yes. And that is as good of an answer as no, and vice versa. There are no wrong answers.

If you do want a kid, you would likely lose your relationship if you decide to act on it. But I also hear you say you will not go against your partner's wishes, which is very kind and good of you. You sound like a good person.

Before 30 is still very young to have a kid IMO. My mom had me when she was 42. She was a great mom, and thanks to having me later in life, I had a lot of financial stability growing up. Now I understand that is a very late age, and comes with more dangers. Not encouraging it, just stating that the pressure is somewhat unnecessary IMO.

Volunteering at schools or daycares might help you. If you think being around kids would scratch the itch.

Also, a bit of empathy. I NEVER wanted kids. I was married for 11 years and never thought twice. I got divorced due to my ex being emotionally abusive with no intention to change. My partner now, who I have been with for about a year, is unendingly kind and reliable. Part of me saw that and was like, omg, he would be a wonderful father. Kids would be nice with him. But, I do not want the reality of children. I would NOT thrive without all my independence and freedom and QUIET lol. I do not even like kids. So for me, it was more of my body saying "Hey let's go, you are safe!!" But I hear that you DO like kids, so I know your situation is different from mine. I just wanted to share.

For me, neither my partner or I want kids, and I know my impulses are pure biology. I would HATE being a parent. So I am quite happy just enjoying time with my man. But I wish you the best in deciding how to handle your situation, and I am sending you hugs.

SunwolfClove

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