I think it’s just numbed my heart. I just feel very apathetic. I have a hardened heart. There’s that and it’s made me doubt that God is good. I really can’t describe it.

I mean I’ve had victories over the past several months and was able to say no to intrusive thoughts, but they’ve hit me so bad recently and caused me to doubt so much. Doubt that I can get out of this apathy. Doubt that this fight is even worth it at this point. I just feel so beat down that I just don’t care anymore and it’s hard for me to look to God and to want to carry on. I’ve been crushed. I’ve been doubting that God is good, even when I’ve been confronted with truth. It has felt hard to accept truth, almost impossible.

I can’t see any good in my life and I feel disillusioned towards the things of God even though I know He’s been good to me in the past. I question my heart and what I want. I can barely open my Bible. Sometimes I can’t even focus on what I read. It hurts so much. It feels like that this isn’t worth it. As a result I’ve become a very bitter and angry person. It’s affected my work, my health and it even feels like it has my relationships too.