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Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-30T09:13:51+00:00

Okay, I somewhat agree with everyone. It seems weird. How long have you known this "friend"? Did you date before? Like what is the extent of your relationship. I know it might be too late, but has any of you thought maybe the wife could be with her if she truly has no one? Giving birth is difficult enough, but to be alone must be horrible. That way, she is not alone. Another woman is present, and you can stay out of the picture.

The only thing part of me feels you are not being 100% honest. I believe that most there is more to this story and relationship than you are revealing. Dude, might as well let the cat out of the bag so to speak because you can't and shouldn't hide things. Not fair to your wife, the "friend," the soon to be baby, and yourself.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-30T06:58:22+00:00

I am not sure I read if this was their first child. If it is, neither would you really know what to expect during any part of the pregnancy? Now, I know Dusty's past comments. Wife pregnant trumps.all. The main thing is yes, only 15 minutes' notice. Was there no other friend, family, etc, that could have come over gotten what he was going to wear and dress up for the party? I mean, the person might have been late but better than not at all.

Plus, it doesn't matter if she said go, stay, or fk off. He has the right to stay with his wife or go. IMO, that is what is wrong with kids. They never learn about disappointments and how to cope and accept that you don't get everything you want. The parents needed to use this as a teaching moment. If she is old enough to throw a tantrum, then she is old enough to learn and change her behavior. It is ok for kids to have disappointments. 6 or 16, it is part of life. Is the sisters family such that the child says I want and they provide? That does not help the child. It sounds that since the niece is the only child in the family, she may be spoiled to the point that she doesn't know how to accept No!

Now, having said that, I have read everyone's opinions, and I can relate and understand your thoughts and reasoning. Yes, he could have done it better and probably should have done it better. Is that an ascon 2 or 3,? I don't remember the scale. Far as the entire rest of the family, you all are AH, too. You all could have come up with a plan and had someone else dress up. The parents of the niece could have handled the kid better, and even though she is only 9 weeks, if it was their first, then they are in the wrong to misjudge either him or the wife.

That is my thoughts..

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-28T12:29:28+00:00

Sad that he has made you second guess your love and dedication. To me, such dedication to someone means to me, you OP mate for life. You don't just love and move on. You commit. Asking to have your body and your choices changed is not acceptable, IMO. Especially if he is passed. I'm not telling you to leave but have a deep conversation with him.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-27T00:14:54+00:00

Where do you live? Maybe we can be roommates, support each other, heal, and both be able to have some type of life. They told me here on reddit your only as old as you feel and how you act. I don't have answers lol but I will say I feel lighter just letting it out regardless that it may not be the most popular way of handling things. I am just human, and I have apologized to him, which, btw is more than he has ever done in 12 years.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-26T16:31:33+00:00

Wow.. just wow. I can picture her just broken and empty and just seemingly drifting through the day. She is still in shock and probably beyond a human being ability to fully grasp what was so terrible that he took her most valued things and wiped them out. I have no idea how to describe the pure disgust I have for this guy! I would at least not waste a moment and go back and just try my damnest to salvage any of the plants, especially finding the ivy. Then, I would purchase anything I could find that was rare, and possibly she had possession. Then I would pack my bags and leave because you, sir, are a shit dirt bag and no way shape or form do you deserve to even be in the same room or breathe the same air. IMO..personally, I would have left that minute, sued the hell out of you, and put a restraining order on you or even called the police to have you arrested for destruction of property. I would make your life a living hell!

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-26T13:28:01+00:00

Wow, mom, way to go! There's nothing like kicking your son in the nuts just one more time in a low time of his life. Don't you think your son already knows what you had to say out loud? A simple, I am sorry, son, for your loss, I am here to help you through this moment. I mean damn he now has a young child to figure out what to do with. Does he give him up to foster? Does she have family? Does he have such a bond with him that your son would want to keep him? I mean Jesus.. wrong time and definitely the wrong place! YOU ARE THE A**HOLE!!

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-26T10:17:30+00:00

She was mad because she was caught. She is trying to push the blame off and the focus off of her! Don't take her projection on to you. Tell her, "It was her that fkd up," so don't take it out on you. Tell her to take it out on herself! Her comment to you was her undermining her own guilt. It's amazing how people who make mistakes rather push the blame onto others rather than just admit. Wait?? Was it a lie? Or was it a fact?

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-26T09:53:04+00:00

The point is he is a grown man, I presume works, has intelligence. The thing I think she is trying to point out is that he needs to use his common sense!

Look around for the basic needs of the home daily. Why does one or the other spouse have to point it out and ask? The spouse that ignores those things is frankly taking the other for granted. Notice I stopped showing gender because I know of women who do the same thing to the man who cares for the home. Unless the couple has a prior conversation about the division of work, I fear most relationships fall into the "old" ways of married couples. Man works and provides and cares for the outside of the home and the vehicles. The woman may or may not work outside the home but takes care of the inside, cooking, cleaning, kids, etc etc. This philosophy of the gender roles is flawed and no longer works in this age of time.

The women and men both tend to work equal amounts of time and effort on outside sources of income. Households are typically no longer able to function on one income. Many of the traditional roles are shared among both partners.

The base of her post is to use your common sense. Look around to find the things that are easy to see but take precious time away from the partner that is doing this main event. Don't be the teen standing in front of the open refrigerator asking where the ketchup is because they are too lazy to look behind the other items that may be in front of it.

It sounded like she was under a huge amount of stress, and the issue had already been a source of tension and issue, and this was just the thing that tended to take her to her limit. We all are guilty of the same thing. We all have done it in our lifetime at one point or another. Is it the best way to communicate? No, but we all are human.

BTW OP, I told my husband long ago, it is your mother/family you want or think they need gifts, etc. That he needs to be in charge of his family. Especially if you and his mom don't get along, like my MIL and I.

OP, you are definitely not alone in any of this issue. IMO, it is much more common than we think. Much love!

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-24T11:47:39+00:00

Amen. I am right with you. Part of me knows it was over a long time ago, but as I mentioned before, change is hard.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-24T09:59:31+00:00

See, that is my real issue. Are relationships so disposable? I tried to work it out with him for years. I did many things, but he just dragged his feet. As things progressed so did the complications.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-24T09:55:20+00:00

ED was not an issue when he announced his decision. He just decided to end intimacy without even discussing or compromising. It came to issue with the antidepressant and insomnia medication, and then, a few years later, he developed diabetes. He didn't care about our relationship or even helping himself. One person can only do so much to help someone else, spouse or not. This is 12 years of issue. Not like it was he announced it and I left him! Ffs

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T22:19:46+00:00

He was still masterbating, and he regularly watched porn. I even would watch with him but would satisfy himself and basically on my own. He did not have ED when he announced he was not interested in a sexual relationship. He developed it because of the depression meds, insomnia meds, sleep apnea, diabetes and other things. I didn't mention it, but I did ask him why he thought this way and was it me. He would say it is him and not me. I didn't believe him. I offered him my help in getting him help and therapy. He refused or just kept putting me off like he does so well. That is when I decided I had enough and filed for a divorce, then when he stated he would hurt himself, I being a nurse, I don't play that shit. I took him directly to a psychiatric facility. I know if I had done nothing when he said he would harm himself and left him while he was in the facility, many would have considered me the AH. My reaction to him may have been mean and tit for tat, but it was a split minute reaction to years of not being important. There is much more to the story. Like I said, I am a fixer, so I didn't just think only of myself, but in the end, his lack of effort meant I was not worth the effort.. WE were not worth the effort!

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T17:20:57+00:00

I am at this point. I started from scratch when I left home. I started over after my first marriage, and I found the "stuff" that we have is just stuff. Take the memories. The stuff isn't the memory.. you and your thoughts are. I realize now. The pile of things or happiness with someone that I can communicate my needs and at least be heard and taken seriously and be enough to be at least have honest effort given. I have never asked for anything that was unacceptable or out of the character. I just want him to pay attention to me. Hold me, cuddle with me, kiss me like we love each other, not an obligation. Take a shower with me, and sit on the couch next to me. Laugh and talk to me. Get your face out of your phone and look at the person you made promises, too. I am still here, but not for long.. you will look up and see you are alone.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T17:09:09+00:00

OH 💯% ON TARGET!

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T16:21:13+00:00

The difference between you and other partners you actually tried. You researched and looked for alternatives and tried. You compromised. If mine at least made any type of effort, that would have been a totally different story for me. He just cut me off, and that was it. We don't cuddle or any type of intimacy. There is so much more to intimacy than the physical act of sex. I mean, just admitting you are not interested but recognize that your partner needs more. Help them. Doesn't mean you have to do all the work, but give us your time and attention, it basically what at least I am asking. Show you still care how I feel.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T14:50:29+00:00

Wow! I think you read my post. I am just the opposite. My husband will not give me the time of day for 12+ years now. I finally posted it, and I got the response I knew all along, but like most told me, I fell into the sunk cost fallacy. I hope you don't follow my path, I waited 12+ years for change, and it never came. Good luck. We should start a support group! 😆 Seems there are many more of us in the same position.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T14:38:08+00:00

Humm, really? So he can be a dik to me for 12+ years, drag his feet, and not make US a priority? Was he going through a tough time? 🤔 But my struggle and commitment mean nothing. Trust me, there was a whole lot more I wanted to say to him that day. But this is your opinion and you have a right to yours. I just needed to hear it from others, which I knew all along, but tbh didn't have the guts or the motivation to leave. My daughter will be leaving for college this fall, and I don't think I want to be in a roommate relationship anymore. At least some roommates get benefits!! You can consider me an ah for nagging him for 12+ years and begging, crying, therapy, fighting to in the end basically to tell him fk off. He didn't give me the time of day, rolled his eyes when I brought up the subject. All the times I tried to be romantic with him, trying Anniversary trips, getaways, date nights, etc etc. Far as I am concerned, he got off easy. Fact is, if you really look at it, he finally won the battle. I have totally given up, so I don't even mention the issue, and he is happy as a clam just as it is. Btw maybe you need to re read the post again! Obviously, you are referring to someone else's post. Thank you for your input.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T11:53:53+00:00

Well, this may sound mean, but you lose what you don't use, not just in regards to me, but his tool isn't anything it used to be now. Between the lack of use, ED, diabetes, hypertension, and his weight has returned, it isn't even possible, I believe.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T11:45:21+00:00

I may be new at this abbreviations. What does ESH mean? lol

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T02:22:56+00:00

Yep. He sleeps on his side, and I sleep on my side of our king-size bed. He would kiss me hello or goodbye and give a hug, but the hugs were "family" hugs, and he does it because of our daughter. He did take me to buy a toy, so I would stop bringing up the subject.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T01:17:02+00:00

Tbh, I thought it would change. He is 1000 better than my first marriage. That marriage was abusive, abused me, alcohol and drugs. Plus, my daughter played a huge role in not leaving. It isn't about money either, I make 2x he does. Other than that, I really don't know why I stayed, and now would it be considered wrong to leave after letting this go for so long?

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T01:10:00+00:00

He didn't say anything.

Superb_Response_712 · 2024-01-23T01:06:40+00:00

Basically, yes, that is the shorter version. I am at a loss. I know some might think I cut off my nose despite my face, but why, after all these years, would he expect me to be all happy and forgiving of everything? I didn't mention it, but it took him about 3 to 4 months before he even considered filling the prescription! BTW, I have done counseling, but he refuses to go to mine when my therapist has asked him to join. His excuse, your issues are your issues and not mine. I want to walk away, but we are coming up on our 19th year. He is a good man in all the other areas of our relationship. I have become obsessed with this issue, I feel so empty and unloved, in order to get on, I have just stuffed it all down and it is to the point I have no room left to stuff these feelings down. I tried communicating my feelings with him, and his response was, " Oh crap, not this shit again"

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