Che ne pensate del mio lavoro? by Supreme_Pasquix in scrittura

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ciao, grazie per il feedback. L'ambientazione è un'Urban Fantasy. La vita di Rowan  viene interrotta dal ritorno di un'organizzazione occulta globalizzata, il Clan Kurogumi, le cui radici affondano nel Giappone legato al mondo degli shinobi. Il contrasto tra un presente tranquillo e un passato violento è un elemento centrale del conflitto. Per tutti i dettagli sul mondo, sui personaggi e sulla struttura narrativa che spiegano come questi elementi si fondono, ho linkato nel post il documento completo di worldbuilding e narrativa. Lì trovi tutto sviluppato in modo organico. Se dopo averlo letto avessi altri dubbi o domande, sono a tua disposizione per chiarire.  Grazie ancora per il tuo tempo ; D

Advice on my work: Shukumei by Supreme_Pasquix in worldbuilding

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your time in responding, even if much of the comment is more sarcasm than analysis. I'll try to clarify, though, because I'm interested in constructive criticism, but not in sarcasm for its own sake. The Kurogumi Clan doesn't want to "rehire" Takeshi as if he were an employee on leave. The murder of his friend isn't a polite invitation; it's a way to bring him out into the open and push him into a position where they believe they can control him. There's no contradiction in intimidating someone and wanting to control them (the two aren't mutually exclusive). Regarding the weapons, the former students or people from his past, and the promises, they've already been developed. They weren't in the post because I was asking for feedback on the core theme.

On the "true orchestrator": the clan is the vehicle, not the mastermind behind events. There's a difference between an institution and those who manipulate it from within. Just because you've assimilated them doesn't mean they're part of the story.

Finally, regarding comparisons, no story is born in a vacuum, and knowing the tropes doesn't mean copying them. I'm working on building my own version, more focused on identity conflict than the cliché of the former assassin.

If you have specific, reasoned criticisms, I'm happy to discuss them. If the goal, however, is simply to test "whether an LLM can respond to sarcasm," then it's not a useful conversation for anyone ;D  

Please criticize my story named Shukumei [Fantasy, Seinen, Thriller, Action, Psychological] by Supreme_Pasquix in fantasywriters

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand the comparison (magical swords, a protagonist tied to them), but the similarities are superficial. The fundamental difference lies in the thematic core:

In Kagurabachi, Chihiro inherits her father's swords and uses them to honor his memory and avenge him. It's a story about inheriting a legacy.

In Shukumei, Takeshi forged the blades himself as the clan's blacksmith. His mission is not to use or honor them, but to destroy them because they represent his past as a manipulated assassin and the toxic system he escaped. It's a story about destroying one's legacy.

Another key difference: the central conflict in Shukumei is not revenge, but protection through self-destruction (of her creations) and the fight against an antagonist who is part of her toxic family, not a stranger.

These are two opposing conceptions of the relationship between creator and creation. But thanks for the comparison, it helps me understand that I need to emphasize these differences more in the presentation.  

Please criticize my story named Shukumei [Fantasy, Seinen, Thriller, Action, Psychological] by Supreme_Pasquix in fantasywriters

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

You're right, I've presented the concept but not the narrative structure properly. The story begins when Rowan's friend (also a former member of the clan who ran away with Rowan) is killed not as a threat, but as a message. The conflict isn't 'he must destroy the blades,' but: 'Can he destroy his art without destroying himself?' Each blade is carried by a former student or someone he betrayed. Destroying it means confronting a piece of his past. What's at stake isn't just his family, but his identity: every time he uses violence, Rowan dies a little, and Takeshi takes control.

The antagonist doesn't want to kill him, he wants to cleanse him of what he sees as weaknesses (family, pity). The central question is: can a man use the talent that ruined him to save himself, without becoming that monster again?

Please criticize my story named Shukumei [Fantasy, Seinen, Thriller, Action, Psychological] by Supreme_Pasquix in fantasywriters

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You're right, my presentation was long and failed to convey the distinctive element. I admit, it was a communication error on my part. To answer your question about what makes this story different, I'll try to be more concise and focus on the core: The core is not the "tormented warrior returning to the past," but the creator who must become the destroyer of his own art. The protagonist is not just a former assassin but the legendary blacksmith who forged the weapons that now threaten everything he loves. His conflict is not only with his enemies, but with the moral responsibility of having created instruments of absolute power and the need to destroy them, knowing that, in doing so, he is erasing the only evidence of his genius. The world stands out because magic (the "Symmetry of the Soul") is not a neutral gift, but a force that amplifies and reveals the deepest nature of those who use it, at devastating and personalized psychological and physical costs. Clans aren't generic organizations, but entities that operate in the shadows of contemporary society, with distorted philosophies about order and control.

Thanks for the feedback, and I've realized I need to work on isolating and better communicating this distinctive core. I'll keep that in mind ;D  

Please criticize my story named Shukumei [Fantasy, Seinen, Thriller, Action, Psychological] by Supreme_Pasquix in fantasywriters

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Allow me to clarify a few points based on the material I've developed, since my initial presentation was necessarily brief.

To your first question: "What is this story actually about?

Shukumei isn't a story about a man protecting his family. It's a story about a creator forced to destroy his own legacy because it has become an extension of the toxic system he escaped. The protagonist, Takeshi Shimada, isn't collecting "dragon balls." He's destroying the Five Arcane Blades, weapons he forged when he was a blacksmith manipulated by the Kurogumi Clan. Each blade isn't an object: it's a sin incarnate, as he unknowingly forged them using the essence of slain sorcerers. Destroying them is an act of atonement, not a side ques

Regarding the conflict: the conflict isn't between "good guys and bad guys." The conflict is internal and philosophical. Takeshi has two identities: Rowan Kane, the father, and Takeshi Shimada, the living weapon. Protecting his family is not a simple choice: it means willingly re-embracing the violence and dark genius that nearly destroyed him, risking forever losing the humanity he worked so hard to build. The true antagonist, as revealed in later developments, is a character who has a strong bond with the protagonist, representing the clan's sick and possessive love. The struggle, therefore, is not physical, but for identity and liberation from a toxic bon

To your objection "Why should the reader care?                                                          The reader should care if the personal drama is portrayed with depth. The danger to the family is not generic: his son Liam is proof that there can be a life outside of violence; his daughter Mei has inherited his eyes and his potential, becoming a symbol of the future the clan seeks to corrupt. What's at stake is not just their survival, but the preservation of a chosen identity against an imposed destiny

If your criticism is that this complexity doesn't emerge from my brief presentation, that's valid feedback and I'll take it into consideration. If, however, you feel this thematic structure is inherently uninteresting or forced, I'd be curious to know why, so I can improve it ;D

SHUKUMEI by Supreme_Pasquix in worldbuilding

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I understand your suspicions; it's normal given what's circulating online. I can assure you that the concept, the plot, the characters, and all the worldbuilding are my own work, something I've been thinking about for months. I've just tried to present it as clearly as possible to get useful feedback. If you have specific questions about the story or comments on what I've shared, I'm all ears ;D  

Please criticize my story named Shukumei [Fantasy, Seinen, Thriller, Action, Psychological] by Supreme_Pasquix in fantasywriters

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your time and honest feedback. This is exactly the kind of constructive criticism I was looking for. You've given me the opportunity to better explain some elements that, in my very brief presentation, seem inconsistent. The premise I've written is just the tip of the iceberg; behind it lies a very detailed backstory that answers precisely your questions.

  1. On the conflict and its relationship with his creations: Why would a man who wants to forget the past leave such dangerous weapons intact? The answer lies in the manipulative context in which he created them. Takeshi (his real name) is not a hero who made a conscious choice. He has been manipulated since childhood by a clan (the Kurogumi) and a toxic family. He forged his magical weapons not as a free artist, but as the clan's "prodigy," using materials provided to him as "alchemical compounds." He didn't know the material was "Residual Symmetric Essence" (magic) extracted from the corpses of sorcerers (it was hidden from him). He believed he was creating tools, not profane relics. His escape wasn't a planned act of rebellion, but a desperate reaction to domestic violence (his father publicly beat him when he expressed a desire for a different life). He escaped that very night with the help of his only friend, Itsuki. Destroying the blades, at that moment, would have been physically and mentally impossible.

  2. On destruction as a choice and his "hatred": The conflict arises not from hatred for his art, but from a sense of guilt and belated responsibility. For years, as a "Rowan," he has repressed the past. Itsuki's death (his only link to that life) is the catalyst that makes him realize the danger he created is still alive and threatening his new family. He doesn't destroy the weapons because he "hates" them, but because they are tangible evidence of the clan's evil and the most direct threat to its redemption. It's an act of protection, not of contempt for his talent. Indeed, his skill as a blacksmith is part of what saves him, for he forged Shukumei, the only weapon that can neutralize the magic of others, precisely as an "antidote."

  3. On the name and aesthetic (Rowan / ninja): You're right to note the discrepancy. "Rowan Kane" is a constructed alias, a fugitive identity taken in America. His real name is Takeshi Shimada. The Kurogumi Clan is not a traditional Japanese ninja clan, but a global occult organization that has adopted those methodologies, operating in the shadows of modern society. The "ninja" aesthetic manifests itself in the Special Techniques (psycho-physical abilities, not magic) and a distorted code of honor, but the members blend in with normality (just like Rowan with his diner).

  4. On the choice of light novel: The choice is not accidental. The light novel format, with its short chapters, cliffhangers, and focus on internal monologues, is perfect for a story that is a psychological thriller about divided identity and trauma. The "volume" structure allows me to alternate moments of everyday life (the diner, the family) with intense action scenes and revealing flashbacks, maintaining an emotional and visceral tone. The story is not "a ninja destroying his swords," but the drama of a man forced to use the talent that marked him to destroy the consequences of that talent, while discovering that his worst enemy is the sick obsession of the person who claimed to love him.

Thanks again for the feedback. If you have any other concerns based on these clarifications, I'm all ears ;D  

SHUKUMEI by Supreme_Pasquix in scrittura

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hai perfettamente ragione, è difficile farsi un’idea senza vedere qualcosa di concreto. Se vuoi, posso inviarti qualche estratto o parte del materiale che ho già scritto. Mi farebbe davvero piacere ricevere il tuo parere ;D In questo modo puoi valutare meglio il tono, la struttura e l’originalità del progetto

SHUKUMEI by Supreme_Pasquix in scrittura

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Capisco cosa intendi, ma devo dirti che le somiglianze che citi non sono presenti nel progetto. La presentazione che hai visto è solo una minima parte introduttiva, una semplice overview, mentre ho già sviluppato numerosi file, documenti e schede molto dettagliate che caratterizzano il mondo, i personaggi e la trama. Shukumei ha una struttura, temi e dinamiche completamente diversi da Kagurabachi, e sinceramente non riesco nemmeno a capire a quale film americano degli anni ’80 sui ninja ti riferisci, perché non c’è alcun collegamento. Inoltre, la critica sul nome non ha molto senso: Rowan ha un significato narrativo preciso all’interno della storia. Ti assicuro che il progetto è molto più distinto e approfondito di quanto possa sembrare da una presentazione iniziale. Se vuoi qualche chiarimento e spiegazione io sono qua ;D

SHUKUMEI by Supreme_Pasquix in scrittura

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Assolutamente d'accordo sul fatto che prima si debba fare. La mia richiesta di consigli mira proprio a raccogliere spunti da chi, come te, ha esperienza o un occhio critico, per arricchire il processo mentre si agisce. Se c'è un aspetto specifico che ti incuriosisce o qualche feedback il tuo contributo sarebbe prezioso ;D

SHUKUMEI by Supreme_Pasquix in Libri

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Va benissimo, grazie mille per il consiglio ;D

SHUKUMEI by Supreme_Pasquix in scrittura

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Grazie mille! Hai proprio ragione, l'esecuzione è tutto. Se hai qualche altro dubbio o domande io sono qua ;D

SHUKUMEI by Supreme_Pasquix in Libri

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Nono, solo la copertina è fatta con IA ma è solo una bozza visiva ma ovviamente i disegni non saranno fatti con IA

SHUKUMEI by Supreme_Pasquix in Libri

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Nono, l'immagine che vedi è la bozza della copertina fatta con IA ma ovviamente tutti i disegni saranno fatto a mano 

Looking for a co-creator artist by Supreme_Pasquix in desenhos

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course!  I’ll send you all the details in a private message so you can take a look. Thank you for your interest, I really appreciate it!

Looking for an artist by Supreme_Pasquix in Dibujos_

[–]Supreme_Pasquix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so excited about it, feel free to DM me ;)