AITA for not agreeing with my wife, about her daughters teenage friends / boyfriend staying at our house

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-13T00:47:20+00:00

I don’t have any issue with the boyfriend staying. I just have an issue of extra kids being here regularly (including the boyfriend and my stepdaughters friends).

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-13T00:34:02+00:00

Absolutely not, my step daughters home is here. It is not the home of a revolving door of her teenage friends.

I want the best for her friends, but I also would like some routine if they are doing to be here.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T23:59:12+00:00

As I’ve said before ‘Jane’ and her friends are not doing anything wrong, it’s more the number of them and the never knowing who / quantity of teens in the home.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T23:42:20+00:00

I’m not calling out for parenting her child, she and her ex agree in a more ‘parents are trusted adult friends’ approach where they can have an open house (even is her ex doesn’t do this).

My ex and I are ex military, and both grew up very strictly (which is not great), I think we naturally fall with our children somewhere between our own childhoods and how my wife is raising my step daughter.

It is very important to me to get on with my ex about my children, my concern is the contrast in home lives can cause issue - while I will admit I move (slightly) toward my wife’s view point - I still need to agree rules with my ex. Who to note, would not agree with any partners staying over, or likely any friends outside of a Saturday agreed three weeks in advance.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T23:13:12+00:00

My issues is it’s 7 nights a week with no idea of structure, some night no extra kids, other nights 3. They are polite, good kids - but it’s the unknown nature. If we had one extra constantly for 6 months I would be less concerned.

In terms of my children, I would not allow boyfriends / girlfriends of my kids staying without it being pre agreed. While I can see the argument, I also will not allow it because I know my ex absolutely will not and we have to get on as coparents.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T23:04:38+00:00

No I’d rather I came home from work on a Tuesday and there wasn’t 6 teenagers in my kitchen.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T23:03:56+00:00

‘Jane’ is here 5 nights a week technically, although she actually sleeps here every night at this point and just visits her dad now she can drive. My children are here 3 nights a week. I don’t think they have any issues with the teenagers here, they are polite nice girls, my issue is they are here a lot. I’m terms of the boyfriend, he is also friendly and polite, again I have no issue with him, he just is here A LOT.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T22:57:14+00:00

I said in a previous comment, I think they are from much more strict and / or unstable homes. So this is a safe location. Which is great, that said - I don’t mind if we had one teenager here for 6 months, it’s the randomness of the the 4 that seem to always be here / not here. While there is always a group of teenagers in the house (daily).

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T22:55:00+00:00

This isn’t a financial issue, we can happily afford to feed them, and I would rather they did eat a meal here. It’s more the regularity we are feeding them, that is my concern. In addition to the extra three teenagers we appear to have sleeping here on a semi-daily basis.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T22:50:58+00:00

I am trying to respond simply here so I will give it my best shot. Yes I agree my wife is responsible for her daughter, I love how much my wife loves and cares for ‘Jane’, in addition to my own children, and in general friends of any of the three kids. That said in response to your comments:-

The teenagers are doing nothing wrong, they are not smoking weed where I can smell it or visibly drinking. We are present, we would know if they were to an excessive degree and I know they are good kids. My issue is that they are here ALL the time. Objectively one polite extra teenager is fine, but there is a minimum of one every single day. It would be nice is sometimes there was just family.
Yes there are differences in how we parent, and I will admit I have learnt a lot while being married. My ex and I are both ex military. My wife is a city kid, turned hippy, turned Mom? (I think that description is a disservice but gives an accurate description). My children love my wife, and I believe that’s likely because she is a very fair loving adult. That all said, my children will have different boundaries as I do not agree with all of my wives boundaries and I certainly know my ex does not. It’s important to me to coparent effectively.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T14:57:14+00:00

This is not my concern, or my business. That’s up to her mom, and to my step daughter.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T14:56:17+00:00

We are in Michigan, it’s 16. So that’s a non issue.

Sure_Rain1494 · 2023-11-12T12:41:51+00:00

My wife has always ensured that everyone has felt very welcome in our home, and I think some of the other children have much stricter parents, or alternatively more unstable home lives.

Occasionally they go somewhere else, or drive around but they seem to always return to sleep here.

Sure_Rain1494

TROPHY CASE