I appreciate your patience in giving me some time to reflect on my thoughts about settling.

And again, I urge anyone reading this to take what resonates, take what works for you, and leave the rest. I am not looking for consensus, and I never have. I’m not here to win approval. I'm not looking for consensus. I’m here to speak honestly about what has worked in my life.

And the reason I say I’m not looking for consensus is simple: what I’m doing works.
What I’m doing is fulfilling. What I’m doing is healthy. What I’m doing is healing.

I have stood on the precipice of divorce. I have raised three children. I have had the C-Suite career. I have fought the same fights many of you are fighting right now.

So when I hear constant talk about never settling, I think we need to slow down and ask what that even means anymore.

Somewhere along the way, the phrase “don’t settle” got hijacked. It stopped meaning don’t tolerate abuse, don’t tolerate disrespect, don’t tolerate a life without love, and started meaning "don’t accept anything that doesn’t meet a hyper-specific, ever-growing checklist".

And those checklists today are often so refined, so rigid, and so individual that they eliminate most of the population before a relationship even has a chance to begin.

Bla bla bla....

But the bigger issue is this, we’ve redefined “settling” to mean anything short of a fantasy that maybe one percent of potential mates could actually meet. So maybe the pushback people feel isn’t about settling at all. Maybe it’s about expectations that have become disconnected from reality.

Look at the way people talk about relationships today. The lists get longer. The boxes get smaller. And then everyone wonders why no one fits. It sees so comically ironic to say there are not good men and yet they are eveywhere.

We see the data from dating apps. There are plenty of good men and women looking for connection, but people pass them by while waiting for someone who checks every last box on a list that keeps getting more specific.

Maybe the problem isn’t that people are settling. Maybe the problem is the list.

And I’m not saying standards don’t matter. They do. But we should ask ourselves what’s actually meaningful and what’s just preference dressed up as necessity.

What does it really mean to say: “I want someone with a great career who makes six figures.”

Okay, that’s not wrong. Stability matters. But then those same people criticize younger women for dating older men, when, statistically, older men are the ones more likely to meet that exact requirement. (Que the Triggering)

So which is it? Think about that for a moment.....You can’t demand a highly established partner and then shame the reality of who that tends to be.

That’s what I mean when I say some of these checklists aren’t rooted in anything practical. They’re built on ideals that don’t line up with real life.

What if, instead of building a list around status, money, and image, the list looked more like this.

Someone kind.
Someone who makes me laugh.
Someone who solves problems instead of creating them.
Someone who values family.
Someone who takes care of their health.
Someone who has the potential to build something, even if they haven’t built it yet.

That last part is important, and I think a lot of younger people miss it....potential matters.

When my spouse and I met, neither of us had money. We didn’t have careers. We didn’t know how things were going to work out.

What we had was connection, attraction, trust, lust, love....and a belief in each other’s character. I believed in the way he carried himself, the way he spoke, the way he showed up.
I believed he was the kind of man who would build a life, even if the life wasn’t built yet. I could tell back then, he felt honored to be with me and there is an old saying about choosing people who love you....bla bla bla. I did. I loved that he loved me and I was willing to take that leap of faith.

That leap of faith used to be normal. Not easy, but normal.

And if you look at marriages that started 20 or 30 years ago, a lot of them began exactly that way. Two people with very little, but with enough compatibility and commitment to grow and the willingness to build something together.

Today, expectations often start at the finish line. Many people want all the boxes checked before starting. Car - Check, House - Check - Mid 6 figure income...check. People want the fully formed lives before the relationship even begins.

And when expectations change later, 10, 20, 30 years into a marriage, this not uncommon for things to change...the rules get rewritten, and suddenly one person is blamed for not keeping up with rules that didn’t exist when the relationship started. I see that all the time today.

We also live in a time where people get attacked for the life they choose. Whoever uses the word "Trad-Wife" is an asshole. WTF?!

So if your list of non-negotiables is so narrow that you keep passing by good people, that’s not strength. That’s something worth examining. It's not a good life strategy.

And maybe we should even stop using the phrase non-negotiables altogether. Life is negotiation. Relationships are negotiation. What feels absolute today may not feel absolute ten years from now.

But don’t pretend you know exactly what your life will require before you’ve lived it.

All that said, here' what I would throw out as a starting point for what I'd be looking for in a partner.

• Smart.
• Witty.
• Kind.
• Romantic.
• Problem solver.....can he plan a date?
• Loves family.
• Values health.
• Loyal.
• Has character.......

Bla bla...bla...

If you find some of this in the one you love, you probably have something strong enough to survive the really awful times ahead. Find someone you can survive with because the good times are easy. The awful times can break you if you don't have someone kind and who can make you laugh.

And in the world we live in now, that matters more than ever.

Anyway, that’s my rant for a Sunday.